My life is hell

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cher, Oct 18, 2012.

  1. cher

    cher New Member

    I am the mother of 2 27/29 my 27 year old daughter is married and we have no relationship. My son is a angry person he spent 10 years in prision and has been out for 2 years. He has in this time fathered 2 children by 2 women. He looks forjobs once in a while but with his record can not find one. MY husband and I are living in a cycle of his anger and threats etc. He acts like a 17 year old party party party. I walk on egg shells cause when he is angry he says really mean things. Then I am sorry etc but does not do anything to change behavior. I took him to an doctor who said he was add/bi polar paid for medications and he said they were a waste. Took him to anger management it was a waste. Well he is back in jail again and I am not baiking him out when I said no on the phone threats screaming etc. He hung up on me. Then tried calling back 7 times. My only thought was thank god he was not in person. I have been in this circle since he was 17. He does whatever then I help him out based on promises. I know I am an enabler I see it, when he does not get his way he tells me he will not talk to me like my daughter or the big one I will not ever see his kids, (which I am the one that pays some child surport to help the moms out). I am like a dog chasing my tail and i need to stop. I feel so guilty. Well that is a brief history of me. I really look back and think what the hell did I do so wrong to either of these kids. I feel like a total loser as a parent and find myself being jealous of normal families. I do not go out much cause I fill like a debbie downer and do not want to tell my story even though ppl see how he is. I am glad to have found this thread. Sorry if ranting I just am so full of emotions.
     
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Welcome to the board. Do you have a Families Anonymous group near you? Detaching is so very hard but it seems like you have a good start (refusing to bail him out).

    He cannot block you from seeing your grand kids as long as their moms let you see them. Keep a good relationship with them.
     
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what JJJ said about seeing your grands and detaching from your son.

    Welcome and hugs.
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I ditto the others. I would do everything I could to try to keep up with the mothers of your grandkids even if it means helping out with the kids and listening to them run your son down. Heck you know he is a deadbeat. He is to you too!

    Your doing the right thing in not bailing your son out and not taking his phone calls if he cant be civil. He can always write if he decides to have a change of heart. I do think it is high time your son should be living on his own when he isnt in prison and there are jobs people with records can get. Construction is one. My son is a 3 time felon and he works in construction. My husband works in construction and you wouldnt believe how many on his crews have records. the only problems that come up are when they need to get a clearance to work on certain military bases but that isnt always the case. My son is working on a base right now. It just depends on the job.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this, both with your daughter and your son. I too have a son who will not speak to me for reasons that aren't even real. It is hard to "get over" it, but you actually can and can move on without somebody mean and trying to hurt you in your life...and, believe it or not, you can have a happy life without her and without enabling your son. First of all, (I learned a lot because my other son is fighting my ex-daughter-in-law in court over their child), a grandmother who is paying child support may well have rights to seeing that child in the eyes of the court. Each state is different, but very involved grandparents paying for their grandkids could legally have a leg to stand on for visitation. I'd give a lawyer a call just in case your son decides to "punish" you.

    You did not raise your children to be the way they are. They made choices that are different from the values they were taught. Their adult behavior is NOT your fault. in my opinion you should stop feeling guilty...you will probably need therapy to help yourself over this difficult hump. Also, in my opinion you should seriously detach and put boundaries on your son, but again I feel you probably will need professional help doing this.

    I don't know your age or life circumstances, but maybe it's time for husband and you to take a new, peaceful road together and concentrate on your marriage...do fun things together, get back to your old romance. You need to start to focus on yourself, because you can't control your kids, but you CAN control yourself. Time to take in deep breaths, smell the roses, enjoy your favorite hobbies, spoil yourself silly, go out with friends, make new friends, shower yourself with the love you try to show ungrateful son. You have a right to a good life in spite of your children and how they have turned out. You have done all you can and it's your turn now. If your son is involved in drugs or alcohol go to AA or NA and learn first hand how people deal with having a good life even though somebody they love is a substance abuser. YOU OWE THIS TO YOURSELF!

    All of us love our kids, but we are people outside of our kids too. We have likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, passions and desires. Once our kids reach 18 (21 for sure), it is time to move on from them. We did all we could and we need to really experience the freedom of an empty nest. But it's hard to do it on our own if we aren't used to it.

    I hope you do get help for yourself so that you can find peace and happiness in your life, in spite of your children. And you really need to stop tormenting yourself with guilt. Sounds to me like you are going overboard to help your son and should probably pull back...you have done all you can and don't deserve to be abused. (((Hugs)))! Keep us posted.
     
  6. cher

    cher New Member

    Thanks everyone I can tell you that is feels so good not to be alone in this. I am going to check into Alon A my self. He told me not to pay child support while he was in jail and I was like ass the kids both need diapers and food, even when you are in jail. He is half ass looking for jobs I see this now. I did not bail him out only because my husband and I worked our asses off to get out of debt and will not put my home in jeopardy. I am on ssd right now and have limited income, in a way it helps me him being gone cause my stress level is going down. I just feel safer in my home right now. Me and my husband deserve this. thanks again.
     
  7. cher

    cher New Member

    My husband and I are in late 40's we are both from loving families. We tried to do the same with our children. My daughter has never thought we were good enough she always choosed he boyfriend moms over me I don't know why. We paid for her wedding and we were wrote off. My son has always been a difficult child since he was 12 trouble in school pot drinking whatever he could get his hands on. He was in and out of trouble all the time. I used to come home and the house would be spotless and I knew something was up. He always was sorry for whatever and I always forgave him. I know this is wrong I enabled his behavior. I would be mad and thought if I just loved him more. I already bailed him out 2 this year. He always says he will get help and I always have hope. He is sitting in jail since Sept 27th I first told him I would talk to dad and we would get him out. then realized it is never going to stop and I feel safer when he is in jail. I had wrote him a letter explaining that I would not be bailing him out and I would still like to visit. I also told him that if he wanted bail (he has money coming in a month) I would deposit the check to his account and he could bail himself out. I showed up for visit last night and it was a nightmare. He was saying the girl lied he did nothing wrong but drink. I have seen his drunks and wittiness him throwing a brick through a window and trying to stop him from doing so. He went to jail and I bailed him out cause he said he would get help, well he did not. A few months later a drunk disorderly charge not his fault I bailed him out. Well this time I did not and he is threatening suicide, revenge etc all in 9 minutes of the visit I walked out on. It became clear to me I could waste my money on bail but he would not use his. He wants out now and told me he would pay me back. I am not willing to risk my house on that promise. I know this is for the best he is out of control I guess my guilt comes from the fact that I decided to get tough while he was in jail cause I felt safe. He is almost 30 and this has to end. I am not mommy any more.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning Cher, I'm glad you're here, having joined the ranks of 'Warrior Mom' you are among some pretty amazing parents, all of us, doing pretty much what you are doing, learning how to detach, picking up the pieces of our lives after years of trying, unsuccessfully, to control our kids behaviors. Guilt is certainly a part of this process, but I would really encourage you to unload that one, you did the best you could, you didn't cause this and you can't control it. Releasing the guilt will help you to more enjoy your life without suffering over something you can't control anyway. I think many of us make leaps in detachment when we are in a position of having some time without our difficult child's wreaking havoc in our lives, we begin to see how life used to be, how it can be, without the continuing drama and upsets that difficult child's bring to us. Don't beat yourself up over that, I think it's part of the detachment process. You did a good job, you made a good choice, perhaps in jail he will see the light, perhaps not. It's on him now. I agree with MWM, go out and enjoy your life now.
     
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OK now I see that you posted in this forum and I wasn't aware of that. The post I moved is in the substance abuse forum. At least you may get the most responses by having it in both forums. You ahve found a great place for support.

    Nancy
     
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