My little difficult child call girl

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Feb 13, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    kt has been extremely hypersexual since husband died. Someplace she "acquired" condoms. Today at school a condom plus some money fell out of her bra.

    When the condoms were discovered here at home I asked her if she was planning on having sex; was she ready for a baby ~ was she ready for her mental health team to take that baby away because she is in no way ready to parent & I'm not raising a grandbaby.

    kt proceeded to let me know how I've ruined her life ~ anyone but me is a better mother, yada, yada, yada. A condom will make it so I don't have a baby. "Condoms break" was my answer.

    As it wasn't on her agenda to have sex, I asked her to throw the condoms out ~ I watched her throw the condoms out. I didn't see her take them out of the garbage.

    She's setting herself up to be revictimized. Apparently, she's strutting her stuff at school. I can see someone on the street seeing kt & thinking fresh meat. I hate thinking this way but it's what we've been working on with kt almost from day one. When she flirted with husband.

    We have the intake for day treatment in less then 2 hours. I'm so thankful. I may rethink our visit with wm this weekend.

  2. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    Oh Linda I am so sorry to hear this. This is something I worry about with my difficult child all the time. She is not hunting down the boys yet, but I see it going in that direction in the very near future.

    You are an amazing person and a super mom, it's so hard when our difficult child's throw our motherhood in our faces.

    Let us know how the day treatment intake goes. My thoughts and prayers are with you now, as always.

    Love and hugs, Vickie
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What is it with the teen girls on our board!

    Yes condoms break. Hence
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I hope the day treatment team can address this kind of thinking head-on. Help her think through all the consequences, both physical and emotional, which kids (both difficult child and non) never consider with their laser-like focus on the act itself.

    I'm sorry she's venting her grief on you, too. I know you don't take it personally, but it's still hard to hear this kind of stuff spewing from our kids, even when we know it's driven by something else.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Linda}} I"m so sorry she's taking it all out on you. And sorry that she's behaving this way.

    I hope the intake interview goes well.

    You're a great mom, and you already know that - you don't need me or anyone else to tell you, but I thought you'd like to hear it one more time! Hugs~
  6. compassion

    compassion Member

    ((( )))) My difficult child 15 has done tons of sexual acting out since at least June. I laughed about the call girl but I know how distrssing this is. Is she on birth control? This was very difficult for me but I did get her Deprvera shot in Dec. She in no way can be reaoned with (my difficult child) at this point. I am not throwing out condoms. Another thing I am doing is having her checked for Stds every 3 months.
    At Residential Treatment Center (RTC) they are working on self-esteem, self-approval, boundaries. I would expect your daughter is greiving lots.
    I just went though her closet some and am gettign rid of the "hooker parpahenlia": she has amazing bras, underwear, too tight outfits, dresses , none that I gqave her premission or money to buy.
    My difficult child gets very hpersexual when manic.
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so sorry.
    Yet with her history of sexual abuse, it is unfortunately all too psychologically common. In addition, now that her dad has died, her need to try and fill that void with another male's attention will be tenfold.

    I speak from experience, not to the degree kt has endured, but none the less, because of the sexual abuse by my father, and his emotional absence, in my life, I sought out sex as a teenager everywhere. However, somehow I had it in my head, that I would not get pregnant, and I demanded to be put on the pill at 15. My parents were wise enough to allow that, and I don't ever remember feeling as if they were condoning it - I think they knew I would do it regardless - and I think they just paid for the visit and sat in the car. I remember them just being seething mad at me period during that time, so the dr visit was pretty inconsequential.

    I might suggest the same route for kt. I am not sure if you can prevent her desperate need for sexual attention from occurring - or can you prevent her acting on it - but you can do your best to make sure she does not get diseases or pregnant.

    In addition, once she is in day treatment, and getting that therapy daily, that will help a lot.

    I have to admit, even at 40, when I am dating, I have to consciously talk to myself about not going too fast with a guy and just jumping into bed with him. This has been a lifelong struggle. It is hard.

    I guess I might also not take away the visit with wm. She needs to practice healthy boundaries with men that are family.

    Sending you all the hugs and strength in the world. So sorry.:(
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you and kt and wm are struggling through this. She was making such strides with picking out appropriate clothing, etc... But setbacks happen.

    One thing I have done for Jess that you might consider is having a notarized release put on file at the OB/GYN for them to treat her and bill me at ANYTIME she shows up with-o an adult. This way if she does get abused, or in over her head, she can get the medical care she needs. I discussed it expressly with the doctor and she was glad to ahve the release. This doctor treats any girl responsible enough to come in as "medically emancipated" enough to get treatment, but having the release (and my agreement to pay for services) DOES help.

    I think that this may be a long term fight for kt. Maybe one of your brothers or brother in law's can sort of "step in" to the adult male role model place for her? Even if they just call her weekly it might help. (My aunt was divorced and my dad did weekly calls with her son to do homework, discipline, etc.... because he didn't have an adult role model and they lived 2 hours away - my cousin says it helped him TREMENDOUSLY, esp now that he realizes the financial sacrifice all the phone calls required.)

    Many hugs and support for whatever you think is best.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I agree with Steely. I was just like a *mattress* for so many years. No self worth. Sexually hyper active. Until I got on birth control I was a ticking time bomb.
    I did get pregnant at 13.
    Still did not sink in. Just too young and to Mentally Ill to even grasp any of it. All of the abuse all of the issues all add up to no self esteem. No, understanding of love from a man. No boundaries.
    Even in my 20's it was like an animal took over, I really had no control of myself at times. When I was manic.. it is so sad to look back on the things I did to myself and my body.
    I really hope she can be helped to avoid this, and this self destructive path.
    It took until I met husband for me to understand that a man could treat me well and respect me.
    I still have a hard time getting it at times.
    It is such a hard and long journey.
    I am also sorry that she is taking this out on you.
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh I am so sorry! It is so hard with girls. My daughter is the same way. It tears my heart apart at the very thought of her being so free with her body. I think that Steely made some very good points. While my daughter was not abused she is lacking her fathers love and looks for it anywhere and with anyone she can. It is so sad.

    This must be so hard on you. You are dealing with so much right now. I am so sorry that she is venting her pain onto you. Moms are like sponges, we have to soak up everything!!! We never get to be the "victim", we never get sick days and we can never be the ones in pain. I hope you have support for yourself.

    I hope day treatment goes well for her. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Linda, I don't think her having condoms is likely to make sex more possible. It will make it safer, at least with STDs. It won't make it perfectly safe.

    My mother didn't want any of us girls on the Pill because she was afraid tat being on the Pill would encourage us to have sex. I finally made her understand, that if lack of te PIll was the only reason we weren't having sex, it wasn't a good enough reason. I needed te Pill to 'normalise' my periods, and it was freedom in a very different way when I went on it.

    I'm wondering if the condoms are (at tis stage) mostly for show. You know, she's carrying them around to be found, so other girls (and boys) will see her as mature and sophisticated. Meanwhile inside she's a terrified, confused teenager desperately trying to look the opposite. Hence her attack on you when you removed what she sees as camouflage.

    I do think you're right to be concerned at the messages it sends, though. She just doesn't seem to know the appropriate way to handle all the feelings she's fighting right now. Hormones don't help.

    She sounds to me like a spirited, energetic young horse in the traces of the plough, who thinks it knows how to keep the plough straight but isn't managing too well without a correspondingly strong hand on the reins. Maybe she needs an older, steadier horse beside her to keep her furrow straight?

  12. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I"m sorry also, yet I read through Marg's response, that may be it as well, or at least part of it and maybe a little part of wanting to upset you as well. My easy child does that a whole lot.

    Just sending you hugs, I hope that the appointment went well.

  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, I know this has to be scary to deal with. Will she be starting day treatment on Monday? Sorry she is taking things out on you. ((((Hugs))))
  14. Janna

    Janna New Member


    Sounds like you handled it beautifully, like always. I'm sorry kt is struggling. It does sound like a Godsend she is headed to day treatment. Hopefully they'll be able to help with some of these issues.

    Of course she wouldn't think about the condom breaking. Even typical teen's don't think about that issue alot of times until it's too late. *sigh*
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I am sending hugs and strength.
    You've gotten some wonderful, wise, loving words here.
    If only she could know how much you really love her. Some day.
    In the meantime, you are doing a great job.
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I'm so sorry kt is struggling so, and that she's taking it out on you. Hugs and prayers going out to you both.
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    There are days I'm sure I'm in over my head especially since husband died. kt had a real bond with husband; "he was the first man I ever trusted, mom". But that took 3 years or so.

    I agree Marg, the condoms aren't an indication of kt engaging in sex. Her being on birth control isn't either. It's more an indication or a blatant sign that says "hurt me again....hurt me again....I'm a victim".

    It's in her makeup after her early abuse. My baby girl did the strip tease on my island for husband. She wanted to "make you happy, daddy". husband was devastated & wanted to pull away for his own safety. After much counseling he learned to be a dad for his little girl. She had to learn, trust, after much counseling, that a dad didn't "use" his baby like that.

    kt's boundaries & thought processes are all out of wack. Saying that, we had a good intake at day treatment & kt is really psyched to be going back there. She's smiled for 2 days straight. AND it's amazing how many of the skills she's learned there are coming to light again. I'm delighted.

    She will have to clean up her wardrobe for school ~ it's very strict. Absolutely no sexual talk or phrases of any kind. No sharing of anything including phone numbers & email addresses. I love that ~ I've had to block more telephone numbers from our phone & kt's cell than you can imagine. I call them stalker boys after kt insists that they be blocked. She needs to learn to discern the boys that are "safe" & those that are users & unsafe.

    Thank you all for your input & kind words of wisdom. It's always a relief, of sorts, to come here. A way to clear my mind & see things clearly.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad that kt eventually learned to trust your husband. That alone is an awesome sign.

    I think that it is great that the intake at day treatment went so well. Hopefully her coping skills will continue to come out and be strengthened so that someday she will be able to NOT attract the stalker boys. I know exactly which boys you are talking about, and I am sorry that they get their eyes on kt.

    Gentle hugs to you all!
  19. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I'm so glad the meeting went well and that situation has been contained.

    ACK! at the condoms. It must be hard to keep it together when things like this happen.

    Just when I think nothing my difficult child does surprises me, he makes a liar out of me.

    The best we can do to keep'em safe is try.
  20. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sheila, the condoms threw me for a loop. I know our kids are far more "educated" on sexual matters & such. I just know that if a condom fell out of my purse I'd be grounded until my dad found a convent & had me put in the good hands of the nuns. ;)

    It was a moot point asking kt where she got them. It really didn't matter.

    Our kids....everyday a new gray hair. At the rate I'm going I'll be white haired in a year or so.