My little sister called husband and it bombed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    She and I discussed whether she could help out and talk to husband about getting on board with-difficult child.
    I said sure. That was Sat. She tried to call, but never got a hold of him.
    Yesterday was his birthday. She got through, just before he walked into Sunday school class.
    She wished him a happy birthday but her family info was too direct. She was supposed to be more subtle and talk about her kids. She did, but it wasn't subtle.
    She must have been stressed because she pretty much told him that it's not about him, it's about difficult child. (Fine for a therapist to do that, but not a meddling in-law.) difficult child is too young to be thrown out, and if he goes anywhere, it should be rehab or some kind of group home.
    She said she knew I was stressed and husband agreed, and she said, "What are you doing to help her?"
    husband said he visited Cousin P all the time. HAHAHAHAAHAHA! He has visited her once since Christmas, and twice in 2014. He complains that I am overworked, but instead of helping out with-difficult child and P, he :censored2:es about how much of my time they take up and THAT stresses me out more. Yes, I tell him that.
    She also said that with mental illness and autism, you need to be an advocate and a teacher, and get to the bottom of WHY he is using. It's cool and social to smoke or whatever with-friends, and apparently this is all the better he can do in regard to friendships. Help him out by taking him to places where he can interact with-other, more normal kids. Be a huge part of his life.
    husband did not like that. He said he is still reeling from the loss of the coins and it's going to take awhile to get over it. I told him, and she told him, that we are running out of time.

    husband told me she had called.
    "She called on MY BIRTHDAY and stressed me out. And gave me a lecture on MY BIRTHDAY."
    (You're right. The world stops spinning on its axis on your birthday. No, I did not say that but I had to bite my cheeks to stop from laughing.)
    I talked to her this a.m. and she apologized that it didn't go well.

    As I said in several other notes, I have two children living with me. I know that many of you are in the same boat.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    ... and a third in the nursing home...

  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It's the incongruity. I mean, it isn't funny and yet even I could feel that hilarity!

    difficult child kids are very hard on marriages. It is hard to see the hero in ourselves or our mates when we are losing a child instead of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. We are working harder, at a more desperately frantic pace than the parent whose child is doing well. There seems no end in sight, and there is no sense of pride or accomplishment at what we have created, together.

    That is a very hard thing to celebrate or cherish.

  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    As someone who went to therapy with my hubby due to difficult child c r a p, I can tell you that the first thing she told us was to go on vacation. In the middle of insanity, that was her advice. And it was tres difficult. I had to get very creative to make that happen with layers and layers of help from many people. Then she told us that someday your children will be grown and gone and all you will have is each other. That made a lot of sense to me. Even couples without Difficult Child fall victim to this. One or both live for their children and when the children leave, they don't know each other, how to interact with one another, etc. I found out something curious about my husband, some very minor thing (from my perspective) that was annoying him greatly through therapy. I was shocked. Something so easy to change, so I changed it. And we both had to learn to compromise and change our thinking with reference to difficult child. We both had to learn to remember that WE took the priority in the house..,our relationship as husband as wife. The reason being is our difficult child had/has an almost constant crisis, major, minor etc. some crisis of some kind at all she can no longer be front and central.
    My husband and I and our health and marriage are front and central. The only possible exception (s) would be if it is a matter of life and death and if it something of a very immediate nature. So....our birthdays, our anniversary, Valentine's Day etc. are all super important, almost holy days around here and difficult child can have a crisis if she wants, but it better WAIT, because our needs, our marriage, our health comes FIRST. I know this about husband and he knows this about me. Over the years, husband and I have taken turns being the primary helper for difficult child, but in recent years, that help has reduced overall. We have placed MUCH needed boundaries in the help department and will likely place even more in a few years. I'm NOT making light of any of this. Even though my husband is very nice and easy going, all of this has been profoundly difficult and time consuming, but very worth it. Sending good thoughts your way.