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My "loving" bro...(vent)
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 177455" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Thanks, again- so much, Ladies!</p><p></p><p>Marg- the state where my bro lives has a law against 2 gay people who live in a homosexual relationship adopting a baby the traditional way- so they cannot adopt a baby from that state. They could, however, have a child in foster care placed with them. In my state, it isn't written as a law, but it is not favored. But- if a child in my state is placed with social services for any reason- even if it is because a GAL and judge ordered it due to the kid being in big trouble and being too young for long term Department of Juvenile Justice (difficult child was 12yo when this happened), social services has to consider placing the child with a family member before placing them in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home, etc. In most cases, no one would consider that any more than a formality, unless the parent was unfit. But, my bro's SO used to work for social services in a different state and he knew how to get a lot of trouble started. </p><p></p><p>Fortunately, when social services lady had to respond to the judge about her review of a placement for difficult child (which he could not get into in this state because no Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home would take him here), instead of saying "she could not find a placement" she said "I see no reason for placement". I think the lady already had determined that bro was not doing this to help difficult child or me- he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. If he'd been doing it to help, he would have filed for temporary custody- instead, he filed for full custody in a way that would mean I would lose parental rights and he would get them. He lied to several people, including difficult child, about several things. It was a painful, frightening, and very disturbing experience for me. It was extrememly painful for difficult child because he knew that these were lies- at least difficult child recognized most of the lies. Thank God! I can't imagine telling a kid who has major issues because their father never acknowledged them that all their trouble is because their mom doesn't love them- when the mom has worked her a** off and always been there and done everything she can for the kid, Know what I mean?? Most responsible people wouldn't say that to any kid if it was true, much less if it wasn't. There is NO doubt in my mind that bro should NEVER have custody of difficult child- he cannot possibly ever be in his best interest.</p><p></p><p>And it's not all about him being gay- I had always encouraged difficult child to communicate with and love his uncle. Actually, difficult child didn't even know his uncle was gay until last year and I wanted it that way until difficult child got old enough to find his own identity and make his own choices but he was taught to accept all people. Now, difficult child says there is no way he's going to live with 2 gay men. I think he'll be more accepting as he gets older and I don't find difficult child to be prejudice or discriminate, but quite frankly, I can see where a teenage boy would not be comfortable with that living arrangement. Anyway, there is a lot more than that causing the problems here, obviously. Maybe you have hit it on the head- maybe it is narcisism.</p><p></p><p>I love the statement about sending him a dolly!! My mean side is still chuckling!!</p><p></p><p>Well, I've always taught difficult child that as much as I would love for him to get a scholarship to college, get married someday, have me 2.5 wonderful grandbabies, own a home with a white picket fence, and take care of me, I will love him no matter what. And I will accept him no matter what- as long as he does his best, seeks and accepts help when he needs it and tries to live by the goodness that he has in his heart.</p><p></p><p>Star, usually I get the mail- sometimes I ask difficult child to run to the mailbox and get it for me. difficult child did get this out of the box and then brought it to me saying "you aren't going to believe this". I opened it, read it, let difficult child read it, then put it away. difficult child understands, so far, that he can call his uncle at any time, but I am to be on the extension listening. I will let difficult child know of any communication efforts my bro makes toward difficult child but I will read them or hear them first. difficult child has, so far, been fine with this. If I tried to stop difficult child from ever knowing anything else about it, he probably would sneak and call my bro- which could end up in another nightmare situation. I stopped short of demanding that difficult child have no contact because difficult child has no other male family members and I don't want difficult child to suffer another feeling of being unloved by anyone. difficult child has never asked to call my bro, and a couple of times, I have asked difficult child if he wanted to and he said NO emphatically.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As far as where the line is drawn- according to my bro's attny last year, it was supposed to have been drawn at phone calls. My bro was never going to call this house again. difficult child could call him if he ever asked, but would not be forced to, and I would be listening in. My attny said he made it clear to bro's attny that if bro kept making phone calls to sd, social services, others, that he would get hit with a lawsuit. If he ever threatened difficult child or me or threatened to take difficult child, I would seek a restraining order. There was to be no more harrassment or deflamation of character. </p><p>Since then, bro sent difficult child a framed old photo of our father for Christmas. difficult child accepted it, but neither of us responded to bro. Then, bro sent difficult child a card for his b-day. I read it, then difficult child read it, then it was put up. Bro sent another card about 1-2 mos after that. difficult child said he didn't even want it- it was thrown away immediately. They have ALL said "call me" and that is pretty much the whole message. No "I'm sorry for yelling and saying those things or causing problems for you". (He had said pretty bad things to difficult child, given the situation- and could have caused difficult child to be removed from home when he wouldn't have been otherwise.) It would appear at this point, that bro will keep sending things and that was never really discussed thru the attny's last year. My guess is that this will progress to something else at some point and I will need to take action. </p><p></p><p>I think bro does honestly believe that he has some "uncle's rights"- actually he proved that to the gal and me and the attny's by things he said repetively. Also, I think he is banking on difficult child getting mad at me at some point and calling him to "rescue him" from this horrible home. Well, that is bro's fantasy anyway. And difficult child could do that at some point- but you know, what does it mean if difficult child is a raging or manic teenager? (Not that I'm making that up as a means to discount it- but this is how difficult child got into trouble to begin with.)</p><p></p><p>Sorry... I've rambled way too much!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 177455, member: 3699"] Thanks, again- so much, Ladies! Marg- the state where my bro lives has a law against 2 gay people who live in a homosexual relationship adopting a baby the traditional way- so they cannot adopt a baby from that state. They could, however, have a child in foster care placed with them. In my state, it isn't written as a law, but it is not favored. But- if a child in my state is placed with social services for any reason- even if it is because a GAL and judge ordered it due to the kid being in big trouble and being too young for long term Department of Juvenile Justice (difficult child was 12yo when this happened), social services has to consider placing the child with a family member before placing them in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home, etc. In most cases, no one would consider that any more than a formality, unless the parent was unfit. But, my bro's SO used to work for social services in a different state and he knew how to get a lot of trouble started. Fortunately, when social services lady had to respond to the judge about her review of a placement for difficult child (which he could not get into in this state because no Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home would take him here), instead of saying "she could not find a placement" she said "I see no reason for placement". I think the lady already had determined that bro was not doing this to help difficult child or me- he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. If he'd been doing it to help, he would have filed for temporary custody- instead, he filed for full custody in a way that would mean I would lose parental rights and he would get them. He lied to several people, including difficult child, about several things. It was a painful, frightening, and very disturbing experience for me. It was extrememly painful for difficult child because he knew that these were lies- at least difficult child recognized most of the lies. Thank God! I can't imagine telling a kid who has major issues because their father never acknowledged them that all their trouble is because their mom doesn't love them- when the mom has worked her a** off and always been there and done everything she can for the kid, Know what I mean?? Most responsible people wouldn't say that to any kid if it was true, much less if it wasn't. There is NO doubt in my mind that bro should NEVER have custody of difficult child- he cannot possibly ever be in his best interest. And it's not all about him being gay- I had always encouraged difficult child to communicate with and love his uncle. Actually, difficult child didn't even know his uncle was gay until last year and I wanted it that way until difficult child got old enough to find his own identity and make his own choices but he was taught to accept all people. Now, difficult child says there is no way he's going to live with 2 gay men. I think he'll be more accepting as he gets older and I don't find difficult child to be prejudice or discriminate, but quite frankly, I can see where a teenage boy would not be comfortable with that living arrangement. Anyway, there is a lot more than that causing the problems here, obviously. Maybe you have hit it on the head- maybe it is narcisism. I love the statement about sending him a dolly!! My mean side is still chuckling!! Well, I've always taught difficult child that as much as I would love for him to get a scholarship to college, get married someday, have me 2.5 wonderful grandbabies, own a home with a white picket fence, and take care of me, I will love him no matter what. And I will accept him no matter what- as long as he does his best, seeks and accepts help when he needs it and tries to live by the goodness that he has in his heart. Star, usually I get the mail- sometimes I ask difficult child to run to the mailbox and get it for me. difficult child did get this out of the box and then brought it to me saying "you aren't going to believe this". I opened it, read it, let difficult child read it, then put it away. difficult child understands, so far, that he can call his uncle at any time, but I am to be on the extension listening. I will let difficult child know of any communication efforts my bro makes toward difficult child but I will read them or hear them first. difficult child has, so far, been fine with this. If I tried to stop difficult child from ever knowing anything else about it, he probably would sneak and call my bro- which could end up in another nightmare situation. I stopped short of demanding that difficult child have no contact because difficult child has no other male family members and I don't want difficult child to suffer another feeling of being unloved by anyone. difficult child has never asked to call my bro, and a couple of times, I have asked difficult child if he wanted to and he said NO emphatically. As far as where the line is drawn- according to my bro's attny last year, it was supposed to have been drawn at phone calls. My bro was never going to call this house again. difficult child could call him if he ever asked, but would not be forced to, and I would be listening in. My attny said he made it clear to bro's attny that if bro kept making phone calls to sd, social services, others, that he would get hit with a lawsuit. If he ever threatened difficult child or me or threatened to take difficult child, I would seek a restraining order. There was to be no more harrassment or deflamation of character. Since then, bro sent difficult child a framed old photo of our father for Christmas. difficult child accepted it, but neither of us responded to bro. Then, bro sent difficult child a card for his b-day. I read it, then difficult child read it, then it was put up. Bro sent another card about 1-2 mos after that. difficult child said he didn't even want it- it was thrown away immediately. They have ALL said "call me" and that is pretty much the whole message. No "I'm sorry for yelling and saying those things or causing problems for you". (He had said pretty bad things to difficult child, given the situation- and could have caused difficult child to be removed from home when he wouldn't have been otherwise.) It would appear at this point, that bro will keep sending things and that was never really discussed thru the attny's last year. My guess is that this will progress to something else at some point and I will need to take action. I think bro does honestly believe that he has some "uncle's rights"- actually he proved that to the gal and me and the attny's by things he said repetively. Also, I think he is banking on difficult child getting mad at me at some point and calling him to "rescue him" from this horrible home. Well, that is bro's fantasy anyway. And difficult child could do that at some point- but you know, what does it mean if difficult child is a raging or manic teenager? (Not that I'm making that up as a means to discount it- but this is how difficult child got into trouble to begin with.) Sorry... I've rambled way too much! [/QUOTE]
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