Back story: growing up my mother (undiagnosed mentally ill) hoarder animals. As a young child, I liked that we had cages and cages full of rats, mice, guinea pigs, gerbils, fish, hermit crabs, a dog and a cat (only 1 dog/1 cat because dad was still there to keep to keep it "contained") But there was one summer my dad left us because of my mom's animal hoarding (the smell was gross, she never cleaned the cages) the dog was never house broken, pooped/ peed on the floor and it was a medium sized dog). But we (me and my brother stayed with her.) remember mom let the mice (like 50) go in a nearby field so dad would come home, but the next day, she and I went back to the field and she had me help her find as many mice as we could. When mom and dad finally divorced, mom's animal hoarding got worse. We had I don't know how many cats, but she kept them in one room. And never cleaned the litter box...do you know how dirty a litter box has to get before a cat starts going on the floor? the fleas were so back she shoved a towel under the door to keep the number in the main house down. But still we were covered in fleas. GOd only knows how DYFS wasn't called on us. As I got older mom hoarded dogs too. And they were never house broken. We walked among poop and pee. A few of them were males and lifted their legs on everything. Cats multiplied too. FLeas, filth, smell, embarassing to have friends over. Mom always put her animals before all people including her kids... So now I'm 32, and I no longer talk to mom, 5 years no talking. She was also very abusive but has maintained she did nothing wrong. My life is better without her. Last week husband and I decided to get a puppy. We have 2 kids. We are NOTHING like mom. I am INSAINLY CLEAN. I have been to people's homes that have dogs and are not dirty. It is more than possible to have a pet and keep a clean home. So I wasn't worried. Within hours of getting the puppy home I started having very bad anxiety, but I thought it was just feeling over whelmed with the responsibility. I really wanted a family dog. I don't hate animals because of my mother. But within a day, I started crying most of the day, having almost debilitating anxiety, lashing out, nausea and depression. Its like a fell apart. And I don't want to go near the dog. I don't hate her. I've been apologizing to her because I just don't want her in the house. I take her for walks and play outside, and I'm fine, but once she comes in I wipe her down with baby wipes, I brush her with a fine tooth doggie comb looking for bugs. This is everytime we come in. I have her gated in the kitchen (tile) and will not let her anywher else in the house. I am terrified she will mess on the carpet, to the point that I am having panic attacks about it. I keep her outside alot, too much in my opinion. And days that is rains if I'm not stairing at her in the kitchen, she's crated. Today she pooped in the kitchen and I was sick with panic and dread. I took her out side, let her finish, then crated her, and I've just been taking her out for walks all day, but I'm afraid to let her out of the crate in the house. I know I have to rehome her. I am so angery at myself. At first I didn't realize what was going on. I thought I was being stupid and I didn't know why. I was the one that wanted her. And as long as we are outside of my home, all the aniexty is gone, then when its time to go back in, I'm a mess. It wasn't until today, I was talkin to her while we were out (yup talking to the puppy) and I told her I don't want my kids to grow up in the filth I did, and that I spent the better part of my childhood in filth and had no control over it, and I swore I live in a clean home the rest of my life. I told her that with her I can't keep the house clean. I told her its wasn't her fault, but I guess I will never get to have a normal pet owning experience. Even as I'm typing this, I'm crying and yet I can't stop thinking about how good it will feel to detail, scrub on my hands and knees every inch on the kitchen floor, clean off all the animal hair, hand wash the kitchen floor and enterance way where she sits to go out...I really wanted to have and love a dog, but my concern for keeping the house free from all animal filth is stronger... I'm sorry to type this here. I needed to tell someone. I feel so bad. I dont understand why I cant just get over my issues. This puppy is so wonderful, really a darling little girl. I don't want to let her go, but I cant even let her on our floor without breaking down...I feel so bad.