My mom is butting in with my ex and she's just gonna make it all worse.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    My mom does this every so often. She will talk to my ex about my kids and ask for him to be more helpful. I don't know why she does this. It usually never works, and what's worse is he then takes things out on me because of it. My mom informed me yesterday that she was going to have a talk with him last night. When I asked her what it was about, she told me she wanted to talk to him about him being more respectful towards me and to stop blaming me for every thing the kids do wrong. I asked her to please not do this. Any time she has a talk with him he ends up taking it out on ME.

    My mom swore up and down she would be tactful and would try her best not to insult him. I know she means well, but her little talks never make an impact on him good or bad. Last time she had a talk with him was when difficult child 1 texted me and her when she was spending the night at his house. Him and his wife were making fun of difficult child and saying things like she was lazy, messy, and did not know how to take care of herself. Stepmom also called difficult child fat. They said all of this within ear shot of difficult child 1 and she became very upset, insisting that her father and stepmother hated her. My mom had a little talk to ex about it and told him how hurt difficult child was. It did not do any good. Ex just listened to my mom and didn't say a word. After that, the verbal abuse continued.

    My mom was so sure that her little talk would have such a huge impact on him that he would do a big turnaround and change for the better. She couldn't be more wrong. Now she has it in her head to have a talk with him about disrespecting me in front of the kids. She overheard the story of stepmom having a huge fit and insulting me because I help difficult child 2 get his shoes on in the morning. She yelled and carried on about it for quite some time, saying how horrible it was and that I was making my son lazy. I was not happy when I heard about it either. I am choosing to keep my mouth shut because I do not want to add fuel to the fire. My kids' dad just got through threatening CPS on me because of a missing package of socks about a week and a half ago, and I do not wish to make things worse.

    Talking never helps. But my mom is insisting on it. I wouldn't put it past that evil witch to start taking it out on my kids when she hears of this little talk between ex and my mom. She is vindictive and spiteful and it's something she would definitely do. My mom made an "appointment" to talk to him last night, but he got too busy at work and had to stay overtime. He rescheduled for tomorrow night. I am trying to change her mind but she's not budging. Nothing good can come of this, I'm sure. I just know he's gonna think I put her up to it and he's gonna take things out on me even worse after the talk. I wish she would just learn to stay out of it and let me handle it. I know she's trying to be helpful but I have a feeling she is just going to make things worse and right now I need the least amount of anxiety as I can get. Ugh!
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2012
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am so sorry - that is completely inappropriate for your mother to insinuate herself into your personal business. If she's so concerned, why not cart the kids around for you? My exmil was like this!
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    My mom has been helping me out quite a bit since my dui so she thinks she is entitled. She watches my kids every Wednesday and Friday nights when I go to my alcohol program plus she will be taking me grocery shopping during summer break and picking me up for church. Whenever I tell her to butt out (politely) she puts the guilt trip on me. Then she pulls the grandkid card on me and says she's only doing it to look out for her grandchildren. How do I make her see that when she does this it does NOT work? Surely she must know this already.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You are in a delicate position to be reprimanding her.

    However, before you tell her to butt out, thank her for all she's done...and when she lays the guilt trip on you, begin again by thanking her so much for her help, but she needs to stay out of this - it makes it worse for everyone when she has her little chats with ex. Tell her if she truly cared about her grands, she would realize that her opinions told to ex only make it worse for them in the end so it's best if she just keep quiet and enjoy her quality time with the kids, have an impact when she is with them rather than meddle between you and ex and his wife.

    Sometimes you have to be loving and polite - other times you have to be loving and BLUNT.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What I would tell her to say now that she has this meeting all set up and ex will smell a rat if she cancels you can be sure is..."ex, I just wanted to make sure you know that if at any point you need a sitter for the kids while they are with you, feel free to call me! I am more than happy to watch them for you if you need me to. Bye!"

    We were always the sitter of first call (I think that is what it is called) for Keyana. She didnt even live with her mother but lived with her maternal grandmother and anytime there was a need for her to be watched, picked up, taken care of for even an hour...we were called.
  6. I feel your pain. My mom has done this with my difficult child. When he moved out of the house she had meetings with him. I told her to keep the conversation generic and not delve into the issues. I knew difficult child would think I'd put her up to it.

    She delved into the issues and he did think I put her up to it. Didn't help at all - same as in your situation.

    The only way I got her attention was to be very blunt. I told her exactly what the effect of her 'meetings' were having and that they were having the opposite effect that she intended. I think she kind of got it but she still meddles a little - it did help though.

    I wish you well and I would be very lovingly blunt with her. Mom, I love you, I know you mean well but you can't approach X like that - he doesn't respond the way you would think, he responds by doing......

    Good luck!