My Mom

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Feb 22, 2013.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My mom is now 76 yrs old. Not so old, but in her family quite old because they don't generally live that long. Only sib she has left is my aunt Jennie and she's 81. Physically mom isn't doing so bad. She's having issues with range of motion / arthritis from breaking her arms years back....and messing up her should joints while she did it. Has had some cardiac stints put in place. As far as I know the glaucoma is under control and she's doing well with that. She's no longer driving because when Nichole and I went to see her for her birthday I had her drive us so I could see if she was still safe. She did fine except I wanted to grab the wheel every time she needed to turn. omg She can't raise her arms very high, makes turning the wheel a feat. So no more driving and I told her point blank that was the only reason I saw for it. Otherwise she did just fine.

    Mom went to "live" with sis in Texas right after that visit. And here is where it gets majorly complicated. Just as I knew it was going to as I suspected there was a LOT going on behind the scenes.

    In August Nichole and I go visit Mom, a birthday surprise. What mom didn't know was that I was also evaluating her during the visit. (I have my subtle ways and lots of experience) Mom was determined to get rid of the "clutter" in the home as she was/is hoping to sell it in the near future. It's a 3 bedrm trilevel home that is much too big for her and a PITA for her to keep up with even a decade ago. Mom was just fine. Her normal self. A tad forgetful and sometimes mixing up what she was saying.....but then again, not enough for it to worry me any. Age appropriate, especially when easy child does the same things. lol Know what I mean??

    Most of you know the drama with little bro and niece while they lived with her. Since that time bro is determined mom needs to be "put away" for her own good. He can't decide if she's crazy or has Alzheimer's. Well, being a paranoid schizo, mom has always been crazy......and I've been telling sibs that since my teen years. phht. They just blew it off. No way does she have Alzheimer's. I've worked with various Alzheimer's patients. Shoot, she doesn't even qualify as senile.

    So.....we get to mom's and find out sis from Texas and family are coming up to visit but won't arrive until after we have to head back home. Another surprise visit. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but don't say a word to her. Bro drops by Mom's one evening and while Mom is busy helping Nichole load up decor into her car he's trying to convince me mom needs to be put away. Um, no. And I told him so. It would make me feel better for her to live with someone due to her range of motion issues with her arms, but otherwise I didn't see an issue. Irked him as he wanted/expected me to back him up.

    Nichole and I get back home and sis from Texas arrives at moms. Next thing I know I've got a phone call from mom saying she's going to Texas to live with sis. Red Flag. I knew bro had been talking to sis in texas, I imagine he was saying the same things to her as he was to me. I asked mom if that is really what she wanted because she loathes Texas and she can't stand sis's husband, never has. She acted like she was reluctant but sort of being "pushed" or "pressured" into going. Next thing I know she calls and says she's insisting on visiting all her kids before leaving for Texas. Then whispers into the phone to me that she is just visiting sis for a while, not planning to live there. So I knew from the get go she wasn't going to stay.

    Once in Texas I called her as I normally do. She had a major outbreak of shingles once she arrived and was in horrible shape for a while. She wouldn't talk to me much.....vague conversations as if she was afraid of being overhead. Sis wouldn't talk to me at all, which I found odd as mom called me twice from her phone.

    Right after xmas I get a call from her, she is back home. She'd called older bro and had him come rescue her. (I have to tend to agree with her wording) Only then did I get the lowdown on what happened with sis.

    Before sis arrived for that "visit" with her whole family.........she actually told mom it was a visit. Once she arrived, however, she told mom she was coming to live with her and they had arrived to move her down to her house, said in such a way as to imply that mom had pre-agreed to this so called plan. From the moment they arrived the pressure was on her to go along with the plan. Sis's husband had bought a huge truck in which to move her belongings and he'd spent a ton in gas getting it there (these people never hear of Uhaul? omg) At first mom fought them on it. She wasn't going. But they kept pushing......poured on the guilt......started hauling her stuff out of the house. And eventually mom gave in. NOT to live there but to stay there for the winter. Sis moved mom in less than a week. Although mom did win out on making them keep some of her things in the house. Mom did not even move her bank accounts or anything. Now does that sound like she was planning on living there?

    Now as they were moving her things out, neighbors came to see if she was ok and what was going on (close neighborhood, she does a lot for her neighbors) Sis and brother in law kept telling them mom was moving to her new home in Texas with them. They told all the family the same thing and didn't give mom much opportunity to say otherwise. They'd laugh and roll their eyes when she would correct them that it was just a visit. Once she got down there they kept saying things like "welcome home" and this is your "new home" and blah blah blah to the point it drove her nuts. When mom would remind sis it was just a visit, sis would lay on the guilt that mom had never spent hardly any time with sis's family during her adult life like she did the rest of us. While that is true, that is sis's fault, not moms. She's the one who married career military and kept moving all over the darn country and overseas. Mom did what she could to visit, which wasn't much.

    So one evening, bro calls down there to talk to sis. Mom asks if the call is from bro because she needs to check on the stuff with the house. Sis gets touchy and goes off into her bedroom to talk to bro. When she comes out she point blank tells mom that if she is not happy there then there is the door. The comment came right out of the blue. Mom was taken off guard and hurt deeply by it. It was the last straw. Sis left to go see her daughter and mom called older bro and asked him to come get her asap. When sis found out (which wasn't until older bro arrived because mom had no clue he was coming immediately) she was ticked off. She says to mom, " well how would you feel if I never come to see you again?" Now after the whole there is the door remark, that was a hit below the belt.

    Mom has not spoken to sis since she left Texas right after xmas.

    Now in sis's defense?? I think her intentions were good. I think little bro convinced her that mom was at best senile and "out of her mind" and needed to be "pushed" into living with her or at least someone. So sis came up to do just that. I say this because I know full well what bro has been saying to me. Know what I mean??

    I have been talking to mom frequently since she returned home. I know her mental illness like no one else in the family. Under stress or if she feels anxious or vulnerable her paranoia goes full tilt and she can progress into a psychotic break. I didn't see any indication of that during the time I spoke to her in Texas, and trust me, I'd have picked up on it immediately. Although I do think she was feeling quite anxious and vulnerable.......I think that is why she developed a rather nasty case of shingles during her stay. (as does the doctor who treated her) I've no doubt sis got to see for the first time mom's paranoia in action. If one isn't used to it, it can be scary.

    Do I think the whole sis pushed her into going to Texas might be paranoia? No. I know too much about how that played out because I saw/heard it myself. That wasn't paranoia. Bro was feeding sis inaccurate information and sis trying to come to the rescue had it blow up horribly in her face resulting in both mom and her getting deeply hurt.

    Little bro's motivation in all this? Well, I dunno just yet. Could be the money he thinks mom has. Could be that he is still enraged with her for pointing out to him his daughter is mentally ill herself and dangerously so. Could be some other reason. Or could be a combination. I do know that bro had my bio dad living with him after he retired. Not 6 months later he was telling everyone bio dad was "out of his mind" and soiling himself and refusing to bathe. Until his behavior with mom, while the behavior was out of character for bio dad who's looks always meant a great deal to him (ladies man to the hilt), I took his word for it. Not a week after that he'd had my step mom who had been separated from dad for years convince he had to go to a nursing home. Then proceeded to make dad drive himself from Illinois to Indianapolis to be admitted to said nursing home! Now that I was ticked off about, even at the time. How could someone unable to care for themselves be trusted to get from point A to point B on a trip like that and follow through? omg But bro was ticked off at dad because all he did was "sit around all day". The man drove a semi for 50 yrs. He had no hobbies. No real interests. What the hell did bro think he was going to do when he retired?? Now after what he's doing to mom I am suspicious of his motives. I don't think it's just ignorance on his part.

    Tonight he calls me out of the blue. He thinks he's called Nichole. I didn't let him off the phone. Instead I asked him why he wanted to talk to Nichole. He said he'd been talking to her on facebook and thought it easier to just call and talk. Then he asked if I'd talked to sis in Texas, seems she was supposed to call and "warn me" in case mom had plans of coming here next. I told him I hadn't spoken to sis since she came to visit with mom. As for warning me, I knew exactly what I'd be dealing with concerning mom. Oh, no, he assures me, I have no idea. I'm sorry but I laughed at him. I reminded him it was me all these years trying to convince them to accept her paranoid schizo diagnosis while they called me a liar and blew me off. I also told him I have more than my fair share dealing with the mentally ill and the elderly.

    So again, he didn't get very far. He kept trying to tell me we all need to get together and have mom declared incompetent. Uh, no. We don't. And if he pulls that little stunt, me and my kids will come and fight it. Seems oldest bro is siding with me which is really ticking off younger bro. No word how oldest sis feels........she's in no position to do anything with mom, she's living with my niece and they may be homeless soon. (and oldest sis isn't exactly the sanest person on the planet either, would take me 5 minutes to get a judge to see that, so her opinion would be thrown out)

    I'm not liking lil bro right now very much. Hellova way to treat the mother who let you live in her home with your nutso kid for 2 yrs for free until your kid tried to drive her off the road to convince her she was crazy. He also had the nerve to be out of joint because Mom has been helping older bro financially because he couldn't work due to needing surgery on his right wrist, which he's getting done in a few days. Lil' bro is one to talk, huh? This is not the bro I grew up with. Lil bro has become bitter, cold, abusive, and I'm suspecting manipulative.

    Got news for him. I will not be manipulated by anyone.

    If mom comes here it will be her decision. I will not force her, guilt her, convince her, beg her. She knows she is welcome. Mom knows I don't give a **** about her money (of which she doesn't have much because what the sibs don't realize is every time she's "helping" them she's doling out inheritance, that will be a rude awakening come will time lol ) Even in my current state I don't care about the money. She knows I'll always talk to her straight up with the truth, whether she likes it or not.

    Would it be easy if she came here? No. I'm no fool. I lived with her until I married Fred at age 19. I've seen mom at her worst so many many times over the years that I know better than anyone, including lil bro what I'd be dealing with. But I also know how to talk to her NOT to make it worse and to help calm her and get her to see reason again too, which none of them can do. I can do that because she knows I'll always be honest with her, as I always have been. Nor do I freak out at every moment of her paranoia either. It's just who she is. She can't help it.

    But due to that paranoia a nursing home or assisted living would be torture for my mom. She'd have to be so heavily medicated to the point of being a zombie, no joke. I can't do that to her, even with our past. Because while my mom has her mental illness that can be ugly and horrible, in there is the person she would've been without the mental illness who cares so deeply for those she loves, who has cared for every single member of her family (including her sibs) when they needed her whether physically able or not. She is not just her schizo, she is a person.

    I may be calling sis in Texas within the next few days to get her side.

    Dealing with mom is hard enough. Dealing with my sibs is far worse. It reminds me why I moved away.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry your little bro is such a manipulator and he doesn't care about the people who gave birth to him and raised and loved him. Cause that is how I see this. I remember all that you told us about when he lived with your mom, and at the time i thought he wanted her house and belongings and any money she had. NOT to share, but all for him so he would be 'set' and so would his daughter.

    It is very very hard when a parent has problems and one sib wants to manipulate the situation. I hope in time your sibs will back off and if they don't that your older bro and you can protect your mom from them. I can see them attempting to do a competency/guardianship takeover with-o notifying you. Be sure your mom has an attorney she can call and that the atty knows to call you.

    Your sis was out of line to do this with-o speaking to the rest of you. But I can see how she was talked into it. I just hope she has learned and will not team up with your little bro again over this issue. I don't see him stopping just because this time it didn't work. Can you speak to an attorney with your mom and find out how to protect herself from this sort of thing in the future? Maybe there can be something put in writing that if/when the time comes that she needs this level of help, that control of her being, belongings and finances will be given to you and if you are not capable then to your older bro? And that at no time should that control go to your other sibs (they will have to be named and she may need to put a reason in, one being this attempt to railroad her to moving to a place she hates to live in the home of her daughter and much loathed sister in law while telling her it was for a visit and having her belongings taken against her will.) but if you and older bro cannot handle the responsibility, then the court should appoint a neutral third party to act in her best interests.

    I am sure something can be done, and in my opinion it would save a ton of headaches in the future. If nothing else, maybe what assets she has can be put into a trust. My grandparents put all their assets into a trust when they moved to FL. They had seen people who got scammed and lost everything, millions in some cases, and they were determined that it wouldn't happen to them. They chose a bank and had professionals from the bank appointed as the trustees, not their kids or their friends or people they knew.

    I hope your mom can settle back into her life, and that you sis returns you mom's stuff. It was a dirty trick to come to take her for a 'visit' and then say she agreed to move and just forgot, and then to make her neighbors think she is senile and forgot she was moving. As for paying for the gas for the truck, your mom needs to NOT feel bad over that. She didn't ask them to do it, didn't want it done, and it isn't her fault they did it. So she should NOT foot that bill, Know what I mean?? Your sister DOES need to foot the bill to return your mom's stuff if she hasn't already. Who empties their mom's house like that? It boggles my mind that your sister thought it was perfectly fine to try to swndle your mom out of her home and belongings. What did she try to do with your mom's money, whatever money she does have? Cause if she was willing to do all that, and thought your mom unable to handle things, she included finances in that.

    I hope your sister was scammed by your little bro, but even if she was, surely she could have opened her eyes and used her brain to see that your mom was doing fine in her own home.

    Please urge your mom to write down her wishes for what she wants to happen when/if she cannot handle her affairs on her own. Having these in writing, and sending them to you and your sibs, can stop a LOT of this type of thing. If she puts in writing that you are the one she trusts to tell her f she needs care, and that you are to supervise that care, or older bro and you are, then the sibs know that they will face a major fight and that you have ammo to use if/when they try this again.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm working on mom getting a POA and a medical POA. I've been working on this for a while now. I plan to work harder on it but 3 states away all I can do is tell her it needs to be done before she is ganged up on and declared incompetent. Not that I think she'd fail a competence exam. Mentally ill and incompetent are not the same thing.

    I know the medical POA will have to be me. I wish to high heaven there was another option other than me for the regular POA as I do NOT want that headache. But sis in Indy would wipe mom out financially within a month. Not greedy per se just irresponsible with money and will literally give it to anyone she feels in "need". (which is one reason she is always broke herself, she'll even ask mom for cash to pay bills and proceed to give the money mom gives her away to someone she feels needs it more and have her utility shut off. omg) Oldest bro is not responsible with money either, which is why he is always broke. Sis in Texas is too far away even though she'd probably do ok with the money as far as responsibility except she'd have her husband do it because she has never handled the finances and has no clue how to do so after so many years of marriage. (neither have experience dealing with elderly parents either) And while I don't have anything against her husband I don't trust him with my mom's money. Know what I mean??

    Lil bro for POA? No way in hades. I'll tell mom exactly what he is planning before I let her walk into that trap. I'm trying to avoid doing that, because it is something that could cause a psychotic break in mom. Lil bro is her "baby" if you get my drift and to think that her perfect son is trying to get her locked up somewhere to suit his own desires could send her into a spiral. She suspects it strongly far that is enough to keep her motivated in the right direction.

    Susie, I was sort of blowing off the money motivation for lil bro simply because I am somewhat sure mom doesn't have the funds the other 4 kids believes she does. Now if the house sells, that will change of course. But when I was talking to him last night trying to explain to him that her insurance would only cover so much for a nursing home and that she had to spend through all her money/valuables before medicare would pick up the cost.......he kept interrupting and telling me that oh we have a window of so many years where if she gave the money away it would be fine. wtf? I flat out told him no you don't. Mom is 76. Honestly, while she is ok right now she could pass away at any time.......or stroke and need services. You can't count on any such "window" of time when it comes to the elderly. I know because mother in law was considering giving away inheritance money before she passed and both sister in law and I nixed it for this reason. 1. it was HER money, not ours to use as needed (it's what they saved for ect geez) and 2. because of that law written to protect the elderly from their kids stealing their retirement and leaving them high and dry or frauding medicare.

    He's also "supposedly" decided it is illegal to let mom sell her house as we "know" she is incompetent to do so. He says he's talked to a realtor and it now takes ALL us kids to sign for her to sell legally. Bullsh*t! He must think I'm stupid and has forgotten I just went through years of this with mother in law and then father in law before her........even helped sister in law with her own mother. omg Mom is NOT mentally incompetent. She can **** well sell her house if she wants to and none of us can do anything to stop it.

    Hmmm. Having just written that out I got a cold chill down my spine. I do NOT want to tell mom this incompetent hearing is what lil bro has in mind, but now I'm worrying he may have this planned for the near future if he can get someone to back him up in court.

    If I tell her, it could send her spiraling and play right into his plans. If I don't tell her she might not move fast enough to get that POA and Medical POA into effect. With those in place lil bro is helpless as far as mom is concerned. He will be powerless to make any sort of decisions concerning either her money or medical care.

    Good heavens. I think I'm going to pick up the phone and call mom and really push this getting the POA and medcial POA done. I wouldn't argue if she let older bro be POA, just wouldn't think it a smart idea, but is HAS GOT TO BE DONE NOW. With medical POA I can stop any and all attempts to "lock her up". I will worry about funds later if need be.

    ugh. Wish me luck. Mom knows she should have both those POAs in place, yet she keeps putting it off. Hopefully I can lite a fire under her fanny.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Prayers that it all goes the way it should. Never in a million years did I think that my mom would live in a nursing home near me as her primary oversee-er of her care, lol.

    Sometimes we just have to do what's right...and in your heart, you know what's right for you...and your mom. Sounds like your little bro has some ulterior motive, god only knows what you have to!

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I thought your lil bro, momma baby, was after her cash when he moved in and tried to allow his teen to set her up as incompetent/crazy then. Given this move? Oh hon, he is soooooooo after her money, all he thinks she has, including the house. She has GOT to get the POA's done BEFORE he can get his greedy paws to a court. He knows she is out of sis' influence now, so it is on him and he wants what he wants and he doesn't think she will deny him. Why would he? I hope you can alert her with-o sending her spiraling, but if competency comes up then you need to speak up. You also neeed to bring up to the court how bro is not competent if it comes to that. Given his daughter, you can do that easily, in my opinion.

    I am sorry.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I *think* I managed to insist upon the POAs without sending her spiraling. I think it helped greatly that we've been talking on this subject for quite a while to begin with. (it's just wise at her age overall)

    I did have to resort to telling her why it was necessary for it to be at the TOP of her to do list and not under the "when I get around to it" category. Mom is not stupid, it didn't take her by surprise, although she was a little surprise about how blatantly he's going about it. It did however, add to the hurt and pain caused by the whole trip to Texas deal. I advised her to talk with some of her elderly friends or to a pastor she trusts to be referred to a dependable lawyer (if you knew where I'm from, you'd know why) and to have it done immediately. She asked if I wanted to do both.......I said I have no issue with medical POA, but I'd only do the finances if there is no one else she trusts. The whole idea of managing someone else's money gives me the heebie geebies.

    We had a frank discussion as only her and I can do. I told her in no uncertain terms would I push, prod, guilt, manipulate, or force her to come here to ohio. Even if she did decide to come, it would be up to her to decide if it was for a short or long duration. She can stay with me or rent somewhere or whatever. Up to her.

    Mom wants out of Illinois, Period. The whole thing with Texas sealed the deal for her. She said she'd like to rent a room from me. I told her again she is always welcome and rent isn't necessary. All I have to do is shift rooms around again and return the actual living room back into a 3rd bedroom as it was before Nichole left home. Not much of an issue.

    I was stunned to discover that she had made at some point sis in Texas' husband her POA. I nearly fell out of the chair. I'm guessing this happened after her last husband died a few years ago. That is why I had to stress to her she had to go get it changed immediately. It disturbed me further to discover she's been sending him copies of account balances for her retirement funds and CDs ect ect. I don't understand what he could've told her to get her to do that. I know it's not necessary at all. brother in law was mother in law's POA for years and he never had a clue what funds she had until she needed him to step up and handle the finances. Oh, mother in law would probably given him a rounded figure had he asked, but he would've never thought to ask her such a thing. If mom had made sis in Texas her POA, that would've made sense. Sis is no more concerned with mom's funds than I am. But her husband is another matter unto himself.....and I am majorly POed they manipulated her into such an arrangement. But it wasn't until mom stayed there that she came to realize what I've been telling her for years is true........sis in texas husband spends money he doesn't have determined to keep up with his perception of the Joneses. They're nearly always on the verge of losing everything. (sis had told me this years and years ago)

    All I can do is do the best I can to help mom protect herself. I did tell her that if she needed me to come help her with the POAs that I'd find a way to get there. But she still has to find a lawyer she feels comfortable with and feels she can trust to write it up.

    This is actually why I prefer to be poor. All money does is spawn greed in it's many forms. ugh Makes me sick to my stomach.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that she gave Mr. Moneyhungry her POA and account info. When she finds a lawyer she trusts, she NEEDS to push him to do a thorough accounting of her finances. It is entirely possible that Mr. $$ has taken loans and credit cards out in her name and charged them to the hilt and not paid them or just taken $$ from her accounts. She CAN demand that he produce an accounting and she CAN file charges if any amt is missing and was not spent on her behalf. but that truck? I bet he paid for it with HER MONEY not his. I also bet he charged her room, board and anything else he could think of while she was there, including some type of 'nursing' fee paid to his wife via him. Maybe he hasn't done this yet, but it is entirely possible and sadly is also probable.

    Make SURE that whomever gets her POA gets that accounting and is told where every single penny was spent. Mr. $$$ could have totally drained her accounts by now. I pray he hasn't, but it is possible.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They dont even have to be family or have POA to drain an elderly person. My mom took in a drifter and I will never know exactly how much he stole from her. I know she bought him a car, I know two diamond rings are missing, I know the family silver is gone. I suspect after I finally got into her accounts that he had her shut down at least two accounts that were in the neighborhood of around 25K each. Of course I couldnt prove it because I had no idea where the accounts were at and I had no proof and this guy fled as soon as we got onto the scene.
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    If he has her account info, does she need to close those accounts and open new ones? Hope she takes your advice and gets those new POAs soon.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm sorry you have to go through any of this. Sending hugs and more hugs......and well whatever you need I hope you get it.

    Love Star
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so glad that your mom has you!
    Your little bro is a jerk. I am so sorry.
    You really do need to let her in on what he is doing, even if it's a little bit ea day over the phone, because if there is a competency hearing, she will be appointed her own lawyer and she will find out everything, and then she *will* have a psychotic break. Better that she is prepared.
    What a mess.
    You are doing the right thing. And I agree, change her acct #s now!!!
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Don't I remember correctly that when Bro and kid lived with her they messed with her computer and on her own she took the computer to "her attorney" in an attempt to find out for sure what they were up to??? That may not be exactly what happened but I would bet bucks that your Mom went to see "her" lawyer. If so, maybe he couild speak with her or write to her to make sure she has someone she trust explaining the details to her. I hope it works out.

    I've probably said it before on the Board but one of the biggest shocks I ever had was when a sibling removed things from my Mom's house after she passed away and I was known to be the Executor. Crazy things happen when others start dreaming of inheritances. Sigh. DDD
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    DDD you remember correctly. And I never quite found out what happened with that. I attempted to ask her about it but she deflected the question. Dunno if it was too painful for her to talk about or if the lawyer couldn't prove anything.

    I'm just relieved she took the news well and tells me she is working to protect herself. She is also planning to close accounts and open new ones.

    Ticks me off........Mom still needs this money to live on. She is still in relative good health. Unless something unexpected happens, she could live quite a long time yet. It's her money, no one elses. Makes me mad enough when people pull out the greed card after someone is gone, but doing it prior too just plain gets under my skin. Personally? I hope she finds a way to have a blast and blow every single penny before she goes. She deserves it, and it would serve them right.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I was thinking that "if" he is a good guy and she trust him perhaps he could talk to her long distance and make sure she is protecting her interests. Like many others I have seen such unbelievable behaviors near the end of life tht I'd like to think she can be protected by a trusted professional.

    Plus...there are alot of complicated rules about depleting your assets prior to entering a senior care facility. I only skirted those issues with my next door friend as her Personal Rep. I may very well be wrong but I "think" that you had to account for all assets for the five years before admission...but, maybe it was just two. I just know that there were a bunch of rules that I had not heard of before I agreed to help her. I'm 99% sure that her choice to use a reverse mortgage ended up costing her family the value of her home after she passed. Complicated stuff! DDD
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah I dont think I would ever use a reverse mortgage unless I didnt have any kids. Or unless I didnt want the kids to get the house. That is a thought. They would have to pay for it.

    Right now I am not sure exactly what the law is about the time line could be the 5 years especially if she has very much money.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, Hound Dog! There is no real reason that parents have to leave a lot of money to their kids these days anyway.
    Enough for the funeral, a lunch, that's it. It's THEIR money.
    Fingers crossed that your mom does what she needs to do sooner rather than later.

    DDD, my husband's family had the same issue. brother in law went into father in law's computer and said he was straightening up things. Uh huh. Then they took silver and collectibles and antiques. They left the state. husband's bro swore out a restraining order. I have no idea when those expire but I suspect it will be renewed. father in law survived and found out, and wasn't half as mad as we expected. He was in denial, and didn't want to play the blame game. Arrgh!
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so glad we didn't have this sort of thing on any big scale when any of my grands died. I do caution ANYONE living in OH to make a will. My great aunt didn't specify who got what and so ALL of her belongings ended up in a public auction and my mom had to buy the few items we really wanted. I wanted a sampler my great aunt cross stitched when she was a teen. It was crazy expensive because the auction, but worth it. I really loathe the idea that the items my aunt wanted us to have went to strangers because of that strange auction. It was the law,but my great aunt had a long list of who she wanted to have what and it didn't mean a thing. Also, in OH if you do not specify a guardian for your children, your spouse may have to go to court every few years to PROVE they are fit parents. My gma had to do that after my Gpa died and it made her paranoid that her daughter would be taken from her. She had one family member who kept saying she was 'unfit' because aunt wasn't ladylike enough, and the courts and social services treated this like a real problem, abuse even. My aunt spent years afraid that she would be taken from her mom and it caused some real problems. The laws have not changed much, and if you don't plan for your kids if something happens, this CAN happen to the biological parents. I know because wehn we moved to OH I spoke to several lawyers who said it was a very real thing. Normally it isn't a real issue, but if a family member challenges the fitness of the remaining parent, it can be ugly. After the one relative died, they found a journal where the woman (a sis of Gpa's) detailed how she was going to get custody of my aunt starting when my Gpa was diagnosis'd with heart problems, and all the ugly things she did to try to set Gma up as a bad parent. Something to think about. I fought tooth and nail to get husband to sign a will when we lived there - he wont' even think about making one. But he did sign because it was a deal breaker for me. I have very few.

    Anyway, I hope you and your mom can work to protect her assets for her use during her life. in my opinion her will, and my parents and inlaws, should read, "Being of sound mind and body, I spent every red cent and had a ball."

    Your mom is lucky to have you and I hope that any damage brother in law has done can be recovered and she can learn to not trust him or give in to pressure with-o checking independently with you and/or an attorney working on her behalf only.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is one of the reasons I was so glad I am an only child. There was no one to argue with me when I took care of my mom and did what I had to do to do it.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am dreading having to deal with gfgbro when something happens to our parents. It will be a nightmare as he is their executor. I know the estate will be picked clean before anything is offered to me, esp anything of sentimental or financial value.
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Susie... your parents know enough about the situation that they should at least start giving you some of the "sentimantal value" stuff ahead of time. Financial value stuff... is a whole other story.