My moms service, and the rest of my life

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    First of all my moms service was wonderful. It turned out exactly the way I pictured it in my head. My counselor made me promise her and myself that I would not allow what my husband did to in anyway interfere with what I wanted for my mom and my dad and that is exactly what I did. Everyone I expected to be there was, and a few other people who I was very surprised to see. Everyone sat around, ate, looked at pictures and shared many memories of my mom. There was a lot of tears and laughter, more laughter then tears which was nice. My daughter even said it was fun.

    My husband respected what I asked of him and allowed me to do what I needed to do.

    Now back to that. Today is our 27 year anniversary. Isn't that wonderful. Yesterday he told my closest friend, and then he told me last night that he had a full blown panic attack while working yesterday because all of a sudden he put himself in my place and admitted to himself that if it was turned around, he would never be able to stay with me. My only reply was that I was glad he was able to put himself in my place because it's an awful place to be and that I know we need to talk about what is going to happen from here, but that I will not do it today on our anniversary. He bought me 2 dozen roses today and a card and both of these really meant nothing to me. The only thing I can think of today is that if he hadn't gotten caught, he still would have been having an affair today on our anniversary. He would have taken me out to dinner and acted like everything was great.

    I am planning on telling him exactly what the counselor told me, that as he was thinking he could never leave me, he already had. It's not anyones choice to make anymore, he already made it for us. I do believe right now that I want sometime to myself to be happy. I have spent many many years putting my needs aside to make him happy and obviously it was never enough, so now it's time for me. I also believe that at this point, if he's mature enough, we could probably get through this and remain friends. Who knows, maybe I'm being unrealistic. I have no problem helping him find an apartment and helping him start his new life. I am not the type of person who needs revenge, it's not in me. I kind of want him to go quietly and hopefully someday we can have a different type of relationship as friends. My sister inlaws husband, husband's brother, it must run in the family, had an affair on her years ago. She told me the other day that if her kids had been my age she never would have taken him back, but her kids were small and financially she could not have done it on her own, but she told me it's only in her head and in her heart what he did and parts of her can never forget and totally forgive. I won't allow that to happen to myself.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    You are a strong woman, Karen. I know this is extremely painful even if it is what you know you should do. Please know we will be here for you as you go through this.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending hugs your way. We will be here for you!

    :flower: I hope you do have a good anniversary today. Maybe remember the good times like you did with your mom's service.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Karen, I hope you don't file for divorce right away. I urge you to give this some time. You are grieving your Mom's death. You are grieving the loss of the reality you thought was your marriage. Those are individually enormous losses...and together they must feel overwhelming.

    An apartment for husband would give you both some space. It would also probably relieve some of the pressure you both must feel living in the same house right now. You are just starting counseling. Take some time for yourself. Talk to your counselor. There is plenty of time to make major decisions.

  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You are unbelievably strong, Karen. That is one tough rhino skin that you are sporting there.

    We are all here for you to draw strength from as you need it. I am so glad that your mom's service was so beautiful.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm glad your mother's luncheon went so well. Sounds like the memories shared did everyone's heart good.

    As far as you and the cheater, I would echo what Suz said. I think it is really important that you have time alone to sort out what you want to do and where you are going in the future. I think husband needs to do exactly what you said, leave quietly and respect your need for time alone. Don't make decisions that will affect the rest of your life until you have had some good quality time alone to think, grieve, and sort out the last several weeks.

  7. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    (((Big Hugs))) Glad the service for your mom went so well. :angel:

    Ditto what others have said about marriage v. divorce. Excellent idea to live apart for awhile, hope that can happen soon.

    I am thinking of you my friend. :flower:

  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Yeah, I'm thinking some time apart and eventually counseling if that's the route. Hold off with filing gfor divorce. You have sorted a lot out in your mind, it appears, but things may creep up on you later.

    I'm sorry this isn't the day you thought it would be just a few weeks ago. Mayyybe you can go out to dinner with some friends tonight.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Suz, I would never file for divorce right away. I am going to continue counseling every week and spend time finding out what I want for me. I do think we should have some different living arrangements for now because the pressure of living together isn't helping anything right now. It's too confusing for me. I find with him there that my thoughts waiver towards once again ignoring my needs and concentrating more on what would be easiest. I have done this for years feeling it was easier to do what makes him happy so we don't argue, feeling it was easier to try and change into someone who didn't come natural to me to make him happy. It got to the point where I loved when he would go to our place in VT without me and almost dreaded him coming home because of the pressures of his expectations. He has truley made me feel inadequate for years because he depended on me so much for his happiness and made it very well known to me that I wasn't giving him what he needed and making me feel there was something wrong with me because I didn't have the same needs as him. He needs to learn how to make himself happy and that it's not somebody elses job, and I need to learn that there is nothing wrong with me and do what will make me happy.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Karen: I'm so glad your Mom's service was so beautiful. It seems to me a wonderful Mom (who raised such a great daughter!) deserved to be remembered so well. Did you feel her "floating around"? Like I said, when all the pieces she left behind come together, it's like she's still in the room!

    As far as your marriage - 27 years is a long time.

    Marriage is like getting fat - it takes a number of years to put it on - it's not going to repair itself in a day with a magical pill. :smile:

    You're grieving your mom, your marriage and the piece of you that is lost over both. I agree with the others: don't do anything rash. (If he decides to go to counseling, you might want to suggest that he find out what's behind the infidelity. It's really very interesting that his brother finds this to be acceptable as well - arrested development maybe?. Until he finds this out, he won't be able to truthfully commit to fixing the situation (if it's repairable).

    Also, I don't want to be an a-hole, but you might want to think about making sure he gets "tested" (if you know what I mean). You should too. Even if you don't believe that it's necessary, you can really hammer the point home to him that you don't want to suffer any additional, physical side-effects due to his disgusting behavior.

    Remember: never make decisions when you're tired, angry, hungry or scared.

    Many hugs to you!
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I plan on continuing counseling and suggesting he get some for himself also. I will not do couple counseling at this point. been there done that and look where it got me. I need to work on me. He needs to work on him. The last time our counselor really worked on keeping us together and the things I though he finally got, he obviously didn't!!

    Who knows, maybe him moving out for awhile and both of us working on ourselves may eventually bring us back together. I just know I really need to put me at the top right now. If I don't do that I will fall back into the same vicious circle we have been in for years. I always worried about him and everyone else and put my own happiness aside. Life is to short, I won't do that anymore. If we stay together it will because I know 100% that is what I want. I will not look back two years from now and be doing the same thing.

    I know 27 years is a long time. This is why I need to remain in counseling until I know what I want. I want to be happy with the decision I make 27 years from now.
  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Bravo! I like that final line : I want to be happy with the decision I make 27 years from now!

    Attagirl (as my Dad would say!!)!!!!

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    what about your kids? what do you plan on telling them?
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Both of my kids were aware a few years back when we were talking about seperating, so I don't think they will be hugely surprised now.
    I think we will tell them that there are some issues that we need to sort through and that we have kind of grown apart and need some time to think about what we really want. I'll have to discuss this with him and my counselor before approaching either one of them.

    I wasn't going to discuss any of this with my h today because it is our anniversary, but since we aren't really celebrating it I changed my mind. I have some things I need to say to him and I think he kind of knows what is coming anyway, so I decided why keep going over and over it in my head and putting it off. I just called him and asked him to meet me after I get out of work today so we can talk and he said he thought that was a good idea.

    What I plan on telling him is partly what the counselor said, that when he chose to have a relationship with someone else, he already left me, so there isn't a decision to be made anymore on who is leaving who. I'm going to tell him I think it's best we find him an apartment and that I will continue counseling for myself and that I feel he should do the same and we will have to take it from there and see what happens as far as the future.

    He did tell my girlfriend yesterday that he had a full blown panic attack while working and put himself in my place and that he knows if it were the other way around he would never be able to stay with me if I had done this to him, so I don't think what I am suggesting to him will be a huge surprise.

    The first thing I am going to suggest to him is that he talk to his mom and be honest with her about what he has done. I am very close to her and he has been very open with her in the past as far as placing blame on me for not giving him enough attention so it is very very important to me that she knows the truth of why we are seperating right now. If anyone comes to me thinking this was a decision made because of something I did I will straighten that out very quickly.

    Wish me luck. I have to remember to keep in my head that he chose this, I didn't do anything wrong to cause it and not let him allow me to start questioning that. He has a way of doing that where by the end of the conversation he will be the victim and I'll be feeling guilty that I caused this and am now doing something to make him even unhappier.

    God, give me strength!!!!!
  15. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    You have LOTS of strength. I'm soooo proud of you. Keep the level head.
  16. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm glad that your mom's service turned out just the way you wanted it to. I'm happy that you were surrounded by so many caring people and were able to share so many beautiful memories of your mom...

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this most difficult time... WFEN
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You're on target, Karen. DDD
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A good memorial service for your mother was something you needed in so many ways.

    I'm glad you're pacing carefully through all of this. If you can come out the other side of this as friends with him, it will be a remarkable achievement. There will undoubtedly be times when friendship will seem laughable - I've seen this with a couple of my sisters when they split from their husbands. But later on, things settled down to a good working relationship for the sake of the kids and their needs.

    You need this time, I think you're very wise to look at it in that light. And to make him tell his mother - also very wise. He needs to openly acknowledge what he's done and his role in it all, and to not keep making it seem like you are the guilty party.

    I like what your counsellor told you - he says he didn't want to leave, but by having the affair he already has.

    Somewhere in there, with all you've been through, all the compromises you've made over the years, is the real Karen trying to find a way out. Have fun getting to know her all over again!

  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Written like a TRUE - I care about what happens to ME gal. I second all the BRAVO's...and wish you the best in your life. No one can make you happy but yourself, and if you aren't happy the rest will only be superficial.

    Many Hugs