my mother-long! rant! warning.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Dixies_fire, Jun 23, 2013.

  1. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I have been in almost constant every day contact with my mom pretty much since mr Lewis was born and definitely since hubs break down in February...

    My mother and I don't Always have the best relationship, she would email me in Afghanistan while she was talking to my ex who at the time was my husband and make pronouncement a about how she knew I was "cutting him and the kids off" because he was getting 600.00 every two weeks plus a free place to live with all utilities paid not to mention the use of my paid for car and the insurance was paid for. Honestly all he had to pay for was cable and food. I weened him down to 600.00 from 2000.00 after I discovered the affair and the fact he was spending my money on the other woman and there wasn't anything in my bank account. She would make pronouncements that my kids should stay with him so that she could see them not for any other reason when she barely sees them more then 3 times a year when we lived close..
    She would call my ex and tell him information about john when we were dating, like giving his name and rank and all kinds of ****, all the while ex was holding up the divorce over a year to get more free money out of me that the army said I had to pay him as long as we were married even when he didn't have the kids.

    Resultingly I cut my mother out, told her I wasn't going to talk to her anymore, told her why, told her ex could be her son but I wasn't going to be her daughter. She wasn't interested in the best interest of my kids she was interested in what was easier for her and her relationship with them. Never mind the fact the whole time he was having the affair she was swearing I was crazy, and he wouldn't do that and if he was it was my fault.

    Anyway when I came home I went into therapy 2 times a week for a year. And my t doctor recommended i distance myself from my mom and sister because the relationship wasn't healthy the harder I work the more I am 360 degrees from my mom's view point on life if its not easy she doesn't do it. She didn't ever raise one of her kids for 18 years we all spent time with my aunt I lived withy aunt for 8 years my sister lived with her dad and my aunt all her life and my brother was shuffled around also.

    I distanced myself even though my dad was diagnosed with cancer and less then 6 months later died. She let difficult child sister or rather half sister move in with her, my brother and I waived all rights to the estate so she had money to live on and everyone EVERYONE told her not to move sister in. Anyway a year and a half later, no money they can't pay their bills she can't go to the doctor her medications disappear the house that she just did all the repairs on is ruined.

    It's been several days since I called her mostly because I am sick of giving suggestions for her to improve her situation and she won't. She was asleep the last 6 times I've called.
    I called her, talked for a second about mr Lewis told her about the lemon wash I put on my hair to lighten it and told her I'd been in the bed most of the day sort of.i got up with the baby at 6am and snuggled and played with him in bed till he went back to sleep at 11 for his nap. Hubs still wasn't up I went back to sleep. I need to clean the kitchen and living room but hubs and I were supposed to team up and do it this morning.

    I told her I had slept all day and she said "I'm not interested in your excuses it's up to you what kind of mother and wife you want to be, when I was your age I got up and did it on my own. When she was my age none of her kids lived with her and she worked an over night job. I said it was pot calling kettle since she's been asleep every hour of the day for the past two weeks to which she informed me she was 60 years old and could sleep if she wanted to.

    I said screw it and hung up.
    I am having a difficult time in the morning and getting things done and my depression is eating me alive but somehow still everything gets done that needs to get done and the baby isn't laying in his bed screaming or anything like that I am so angry I could burst. She has given up on life and has a few really good options available to her to get her out of this mess that she put herself in. This is the first time in 2 years I haven't had to wake up at 6 am or earlier because I don't have work or tk to get to school. I'm going through hell right now and nothing is getting better every day is the same and I have done everything I can to fix things for hubs, to keep my mom from giving up, to comfort my best friend through her divorce.
    No one pours this kind of time and attention into me and my feelings but the people on this board!
    I'm scared my mother is going to die in the same room and the same bed that my father died in.
    I want to be angry I want to not talk to this woman for lashing out at me for no reason when I seem to be the only person in my whole family who gets up every day and puts in the work, makes the phone calls, arranges the bills picks up the house, calls congressmen and lawyers and doctors for my husband and calls my mother's bill collectors from across the country and talks her into eating or seeing the sunshine!

    Why in the heck does everyone get to be a lazy no good bag of bones but me? Why does everyone get to wallow in their self pity and poverty and why on earth am I doing this to myself?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dix, you have a difficult child mom and probably a difficult child family, like me. They are not your responsibility and don't let them guilt you into thinking that they are. This woman didn't even raise you...pawned you off to aunt...then has the nerve to tell you what a great person she was and how she kept a clean house. Well, maybe she did. It's easy, as you said, when there are no kids to dirty it. I suspect lots of mental illness and depression and perhaps pill use in your family and you can not fix them and shouldn't waste time trying. Sometimes it's best to just cut off contact. If I'd done that totally with my own mother, ten years of my life would have been a little bit better as, to the end, she never thought she'd done anything wrong.

    You are not your family or, I should say, your DNA connections. You are you and you are doing much better than they are. Why even ask yourself why they don't function? It's not your responsibility to make sure they do, to pay any bills but your own, or to be their alarm clocks.

    You don't get to wallow in poverty and and self-pity because you have chosen not to. They have chose to. Who do you think has a richer, more fruitful life?

    Hugs!!!!
     
  3. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Thank you. Honestly thank you both.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dixie, MWM and have given you good advice and wisdom........first of all I want to say that I'm sorry you didn't have the kind of nurturing, loving mom you deserved, every kid should have that, but sadly, that isn't the case. As we get older, (from my point of view, you're still a kid!!) you begin to understand that the family we grew up in often has nothing to do with who we become, as a matter of fact, sometimes, as in my case and perhaps yours, I am who I am in spite of my family. I have had to completely cut off most of my bio family because they are too toxic to be around. As I have gotten healthier, hanging out with them has become impossible. I had to make the choice to leave them behind, they became a casualty of my growth.

    As you have grown and gotten healthier, this behavior of your mom's becomes more intolerable until you reach the point you are at, there is no changing her, as others have mentioned she is a difficult child too, you can't change her, so you must detach. Move on. Let go. Grieve that loss if you haven't already and move onto your real life, your authentic life. If you can, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it applies to your mother too.

    I get that feeling of being the only one who is responsible and trustworthy, that was my role too, the oldest of 5, with mentally ill parents and mentally ill siblings, Yikes, it was hard. First of all remove the toxic people. Second of all, get yourself help to let go of the hurts and angers. You are doing your best to help your husband and raise your kids and you're depressed, geez, that's a lot on your plate............you need some help. Right now.

    Those around you, primarily your husband right there with you, can't step up to the plate to give you what you need, so you need to take action to make that happen for yourself. You are the elected care-giver, an assigned role in dysfunctional families, I was too...............the crappy news is that it's up to you to resign from that role, to do the work necessary to unload the freeloaders and get on with your life, but you can do it. You're half way there.

    Anger hurts us, it's pent up inside, so go stomp around outside, go for a walk and with every single step, release the anger, hit pillows, scream with music on, go for a ride in the car and scream, get the anger out of your body. Likely after that, you will cry and that is another release. Your depression will likely lesson too if you can get some of that anger out, there are many theories that depression is anger turned inward, so jump up and down if you have to, get it out. I usually go for a run or a fast walk, it dissipates the anger. A trick I used that a therapist taught me was to put a phone book on the bed and to hit it as hard as you can with a bat or some big stick, she said that the physical release of the hitting motion releases the emotion from the body. Plus seeing the pages fly all around is oddly satisfying!! You have every reason to be as angry as you are, these folks are parasitic and suck the life force out of you. You're depleted and exhausted, you've cared for others at your own expense. Start right now taking care of you and making changes by detaching from your mother.

    It's hard being the caregiver in an unhealthy family dynamic, it creates enablers, codependents, unhappy, depleted caring folks who are completely exhausted from filling the needs of others and not fulfilling our own needs. That's the way out Dixie, stop taking care of mom, do your best at home, but make sure DIXIE gets what she needs FIRST. With a needy husband and small children it's almost expected to deplete ourselves for them, but, DON'T DO IT, go do something you love, nourish yourself, love yourself, nurture yourself, get support for YOU. Go to a codependency 12 step support group if you can find one near you. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Sending you big hugs............
     
    Lasted edited by : Jul 10, 2013
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The day you described of cuddling with mr.lewis sounds wonderful. That sounds like exactly what I do to recharge myself. Today nothing got done except going to church. The kids watched movies and I played with Cherub and Buster. It was a great day. My dishes aren't done, the house isn't cleaned, laundry all over the downstairs and it is o.k.

    You are having a rough time right now. It is o.k. to give yourself some slack. You are going to get through this. As soon as things are lined up enough where you can you'll get yourself help. Your mom isn't going to change. Don't compare yourself to her. Don't listen when she compares herself to you. You are awesome for taking care of yourself and all you do for your family (hubs and kids.)

    I'm sorry she treats you so badly. You really need support and moms are supposed to be there emotionally. My family isn't very supportive either. If there is no one else to talk to and you can't afford a therapist or can't get to one maybe journaling would be good?

    *I'm still praying for you.
     
  6. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I wrote a page on Facebook notes deleted it and settled on a post that read something like this, " I'm sick of being judged by someone who failed so miserably at life and never made an effort to improve, there are no words anymore"

    I've thought a lot about that it isn't the first time I've said something similar and those other times I said it, it was to her face not anonymously on social media. My mom failed me on so many levels and I never stopped loving her and never questioned why she did the things she did to distance me from her until she pretty much cut me loose at 16 to sink or swim by my own merits. I honestly believe I would not be the person I am if I hadn't had to keep my head above water by my own efforts.

    I don't understand how or why she judges me so harshly when my sister is an utter failure who has never been self supporting.

    All of my adult life I have dealt with these condemnations which is so weird because when I was a teen we got along so well.

    Anyway I was only replying to say that I have wanted to call her 3 or 4 times today and had to stop myself. I know she will not apologize for what she said unless I bring it up and then it is only to get me to shut up it isn't as if she really feels bad for saying what she said. By the way I told my best friend what she said and she said "did she think she was talking to your sister?" Because sister has been over medicating sleeping and trashing her house for months and mom is afraid to talk to her because she doesn't want to deal with the hysterics from dear sis.

    This is not the first time my mom has tried to make it out like she was more of a mother then she was, it's almost like she is forgetting who she is talking to. Maybe at some
    Point she was a real mom to my brother who is 14 years older and her first kid but to me or sister? Never.

    I so don't want my
    Kids to feel this way about me ever. It's okay if they think I'm too strict or a drag but to feel totally cut off from your mom and judged so harshly for no reason! I am a nice person I will give the short off my back to help anyone, I am a hard worker I tend to get consumed by any job I have, I'm a absolute nazi about my bills being paid. My house if it is dirty will give me an anxiety attack and both of my husband's have known this so it never gets too far gone and I must be able to walk through every room unimpeded which can be difficult with kids.

    I do the lions share of the work on the house but I feel absolutely no compunction about telling my hubs that he Will pick up his trash and dishes because I am not his mom and even my kids can and do put their dishes and trash away.
    By the way he cleaned the house this morning because mr Lewis is teething and not sleeping well at all which means I am not sleeping either.. He also cooked
    Dinner and has cooked dinner most of the time since tk and boyo went to ex's . This is one of those things I mean by he is so amazing, he is taking care of me, which is wonderful because I need it!

    How does my
    Mother not know me?

    Why do I want the approval of a woman who is never going to give it?

    Why does it matter when she doesn't even have my approval?

    Making appointment tomorrow to get scripts refilled and have Paxil adjusted or changed. I don't think I have the time to deal with a t doctor and getting them to the point where he can give me useful advice because I don't know when we are leaving here. I like to journal but its not really cathartic to me unless I feel "heard" I used to have an open diary but the media kind of died out and people don't do it much anymore it seems like.
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Parental approval is something everyone craves, whether they admit it or not. I think it is something encoded in our genes........ That doesn't mean that there doesn't come a point where it is no longer important, that you realize a parent is so unable to live up to their role that they can't give you that, that you can't learn to value yourself for the person you are and seek your approval elsewhere or get to the point where you need no one's approval.

    My mom is a difficult child. I was raised mostly by my grandmother. I still remember the incident that forever turned off that parental need of approval switch. It happened when I was in jr high. It was at that time that those who had been actually parenting me, either actively or by example, stepped up to the plate. Several years ago........mom's view of me began to change. I have no real clue why. But now I get nothing but praise from her. Sad thing is that it just really doesn't much matter to me. Although we have forged a closer relationship in these later years, a totally new one. Long ago I learned to accept her for the person she is, gfgness and all, realizing she was not going to change, I couldn't help or make her change. She is who she is. I was taught to respect her at all times. The rest? It either happened or it didn't. I taught my kids that their grandmother is who she is, much of who she is is tied in with her diagnosis. As much as it might drive us crazy at times, if makes her miserable far more often and she spends her days wondering why.......because even if you explain it she can't quite grasp it. Her perception of the world/relationships is skewed.

    My sibs are routinely hurt by my mom because they still seek approval that will never truly come. They are only now beginning to see her not just as their mother but for the actual person she is.... It's tough for them.

    There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from your mother at this point. It may or may not be a permanent situation. Your plate is currently full. You don't need the additional stress.

    (((hugs)))
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so glad to hear that your husband is taking care of you, wonderful news.

    My very first therapist, when I was 23 years old, told me that the greatest task of therapy was to "separate from our parents." I was still cocky enough to think to myself, 'what is he talking about, I left home years ago.' Now, at 63 years old, I am still seeing what he meant. Even if we are estranged from them, even if they are dead, they have an enormous impact on our lives and as Lisa said, we seek their approval, we want them to be proud of us, to know us, to get us. You are certainly not alone, it is really part of being human. The fact that your mother can't see you or know you has nothing to do with you, it is her who is lacking.

    All that your mother is, all that she does, how she acts, what she believes, how she treats you, is all about her, not you. None of it is about you, You can rail against her behaviors, be hurt by them and angered by them, all of which is certainly justifiable, however, it doesn't do any good but to hurt you............you've made a good life for yourself in spite of your upbringing..........now it seems as if it's time to separate from your mother, and if you do interact with her, recognize her shortcomings as a mother and do not take them personally.

    It took me awhile to feel as if with all my mothers shortcomings, and there were many, she was not a good mom, she did the best she could with what she had and I forgave her. That was extremely freeing for me. Nothing had really changed, but I had changed. I stopped expecting more, I stopped taking her actions or lack of actions personally, I saw her as the wounded person she really is and I began feeling compassion for her. Once you let go of the need for her approval, the need for the mothering you desire that she cannot produce, you see her differently then. Until then, sometimes it really is best to limit your interactions so that you are not constantly hurting or angry or trying to figure it out. Just like with our difficult child kids, it is what it is and often has nothing to do with us, but we have to learn to detach from them and accept what is.

    Mothers and daughters have complicated connections, there are hundreds of books about all of it, I think the best thing you can do is give yourself the praise and understanding and love that you seek from her. She cannot give you what you need. Accepting that will liberate you. And, just as an aside, all of that judgement she throws your way is probably what she in fact, feels about herself. Often we judge in others what we cannot see in ourselves. So when she does that to you, try to recognize that and that it isn't about you.
     
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Unlike the others I have not walked in your shoes. My Mother did what she had to do and sometimes she enjoyed doing it.
    Times were different and really she had few options even though she did have a college degree and could have spent years developing some independence. Instead her life was raising four children, maintaining a home and trying to keep up with my much adored Daddy. A husband who had many weaknesses unbeknowst to us children. As they say in old novels, "she made her bed and she slept on it."

    I married young and tried to do my best. In some areas I was successful (my children all saw me as near perfect) but as the years went by my life got more and more complicated and difficult. I'm still not sure where I should have jigged but chose to jog. I'm still shocked that one of my easy child sons rarely calls and visits once or twice a year for a day or two.

    While I realize my post is "not on target" with your issues there is a commonality. Even though you are very young in my humble opinion you need to convince yourself that you have no purposely done anything to cause this problem. In fact you likely have tried your best to solve issues that are beyond your control. I suggest that you spend some quiet moments reviewing the Serenity Prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

    That simple prayers (used at AA) says it all to me. It does not make everything honky dorry. There will still be times when you feel torn. BUT if you can embrace the message it allows you to disengage from painful disappointing past expereinces and frees you to model your current life based on what you know in your gut is best for you and yours. I hope that you will soon find your negative emotions replaced with hopeful goals for the future. in my humble opinion you are outstanding and deserve your life to be based on what is happening in 2013 and beyond. Hugs DDD
     
  10. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Thank you ddd, hound dog and RE.

    I've been a bit better the last couple of days at least not dwelling on mom.

    I called my aunt and told her about it which she understood everything I was saying she's helped raise all three of us and knows her sister very well.
    I try not to call her too often because she has managed to detach from the never ending drama and emotionally charged history. But it is nice to hear her reaffirming my opinion.

    The saddest thing in the world to me is that a woman who raised 3 children was never a mother and we all pay such homage to my mom who continually made bad choices and has frequently been so caught up in her sadness that there was no joy to experience. Most of the good things I do parenting wise come
    From my aunt, and though she wasn't perfect I sometimes feel she did it better at least when I was a small child.

    Point blank period I need to do more to make myself feel happy and fulfilled, I am a much better mom and wife when I take care of me. I'm not saying I should take are of me first just that I shouldn't come last.

    The baby and I have even feeling pretty horrible he has a fever runny nose and butt from the teething, I think.
    I am not sleeping well I've spiked a fever.
    So we are trying to get over all of that an just keep on keepin on.
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending a big, nurturing, caring, Mom kind of hug Dixie, you hug your little guy, we'll all give you our big hugs, just for you.............nurture yourself, especially when you don't feel good.............keep warm, drink plenty of liquids, rest, watch old movies, relax and just let go for a little while...........
     
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes I find a surrogate mother. Someone about my moms age that will listen, not really do anything, but just listen.
     
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