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My mother's letter to difficult child....VENT
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 339157" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The way I read her letter, she's trying to milk people for money. Does difficult child have access to any funds? Because what I hear in that letter to him, is "cough cough... poor me, I'm so poor I can't even afford to fix the heat, but [emotional blackmail] I'll be fine."</p><p></p><p>It's a sort of "I can't hear you properly, just let me take my head out of the oven..." which makes you (if you're cynical) feel grateful she can't afford to pay the gas bill!</p><p></p><p>Surely there are communnity service transport schemes she can approach for help getting to and from the hospital? Doesn't the hospital have a social worker whose job it is to ensure that patients have appropriate support in this sort of situaiton? It must come up.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, there are always those people who refuse such help and insist that their family has a responsibility to step in, even when they've alienated them. My friend went through this with her parents - they needed a lot of home help which was freely available, but refused all outside help because "your father won't have strangers in the house" but expected their 50 yo daughter to give up her job and her home and move in with them, becoming their carer. Knowing full well her father had always been abusive and this would not change.</p><p></p><p>It's another form of abuse.</p><p></p><p>As for sending on the letter - I wouldn't. There is too much in it which is manipulative. However, in your letter to him, mention that grandma has written a letter to him in which she has said a few things, including... and then list the things she's said which you are comfortable with him hearing. Then write back to her and let her know what you have done, and why. Exactly why.</p><p></p><p>She may not have a clue that she is being manipulative - such people don't always see it because it's second nature to them. But the main issue here is, what is best for difficult child? He needs to know he is loved, but he doesn't need to be loaded with guilt. I would tell her this. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt in what you say (even if you're convinced she deliberately has chosen to be manipulative) and say, "You may not have realised that the way you phrased the letter could have possibly worried him needlessly."</p><p></p><p>Maybe even make it clear that you will keep her letter for him to read at some time in the future, when he is strong enough.</p><p></p><p>As for her needing transport - I would be writing something like, "I hope you come through the surgery and find it helps you. I know that a loving, kind person such as yourself must have many friends who care about you and would willingly step in and help you in this, people who live a lot closer to you and who see you every day. I'm sure that someone will willingly help you, as I know you undoubtedly help other people."</p><p></p><p>And if she hasn't got anybody - there's always a cab. As you said, life choices come back to roost.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 339157, member: 1991"] The way I read her letter, she's trying to milk people for money. Does difficult child have access to any funds? Because what I hear in that letter to him, is "cough cough... poor me, I'm so poor I can't even afford to fix the heat, but [emotional blackmail] I'll be fine." It's a sort of "I can't hear you properly, just let me take my head out of the oven..." which makes you (if you're cynical) feel grateful she can't afford to pay the gas bill! Surely there are communnity service transport schemes she can approach for help getting to and from the hospital? Doesn't the hospital have a social worker whose job it is to ensure that patients have appropriate support in this sort of situaiton? It must come up. Mind you, there are always those people who refuse such help and insist that their family has a responsibility to step in, even when they've alienated them. My friend went through this with her parents - they needed a lot of home help which was freely available, but refused all outside help because "your father won't have strangers in the house" but expected their 50 yo daughter to give up her job and her home and move in with them, becoming their carer. Knowing full well her father had always been abusive and this would not change. It's another form of abuse. As for sending on the letter - I wouldn't. There is too much in it which is manipulative. However, in your letter to him, mention that grandma has written a letter to him in which she has said a few things, including... and then list the things she's said which you are comfortable with him hearing. Then write back to her and let her know what you have done, and why. Exactly why. She may not have a clue that she is being manipulative - such people don't always see it because it's second nature to them. But the main issue here is, what is best for difficult child? He needs to know he is loved, but he doesn't need to be loaded with guilt. I would tell her this. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt in what you say (even if you're convinced she deliberately has chosen to be manipulative) and say, "You may not have realised that the way you phrased the letter could have possibly worried him needlessly." Maybe even make it clear that you will keep her letter for him to read at some time in the future, when he is strong enough. As for her needing transport - I would be writing something like, "I hope you come through the surgery and find it helps you. I know that a loving, kind person such as yourself must have many friends who care about you and would willingly step in and help you in this, people who live a lot closer to you and who see you every day. I'm sure that someone will willingly help you, as I know you undoubtedly help other people." And if she hasn't got anybody - there's always a cab. As you said, life choices come back to roost. Marg [/QUOTE]
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