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My mother's letter to difficult child....VENT
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 339171" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>I like that a lot! Thank you! </p><p></p><p>My mother sounds a lot like the one in your friend's situation. I used to think my mother had no idea how she was because she'd always been that way- and to the people who love(d) her most- because she grew up in dire poverty where people only struggled to survive and most were uneducated. (Although she became a career student and got a PhD). But after she stirred my bro and I found out she had something to do with him filing for custody and I told her some things on the phone about how I felt about it and said something about her inability to ever see things from anyone else's point of view...well, for instance, when she was a single parent if her sister had ever filed for custody of me, even when she had her concerns about my mom, I asked my mother what she would do and my mother told me she would NEVER had spoken to her sister again. I said something else (I don't remember what) and my mother said "look, I know I do things like that; I know what I've done". She elaborated enough to make it obvious to me that she knows she is this way and has always been this way. Then she apologized profusely which is the ONLY reason I even have minimal contact with her, and not wanting to completely wipe her out of difficult child's life since he doesn't have any other family in his life. I honeslty think she does these things for two reasons- 1) it has always worked in getting her the attention and someone to jump in and take care of her and give her what she wants, and 2) she has some real issues of her own and this is her way of keeping them "hidden" in her mind- in reality some people figure that out but it's really keeping her from doing anything about her own issues.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, my therapist from my early days (the one who really did help me) told me my mmother would never change and not expect it so protect myself and never get back into that mode. Emotional blackmail is exactly it- and difficult child has already started down that road and I don't want his becoming a habit or extending beyond the typical teen manipulation trials.</p><p></p><p>I did suggest to my mother that she try to contact one of the people that used to help her or check into one of the public services that might provide transportation to senior citizens in my email back to her. I told her I was sorry I couldn't help her but I couldn't come down there as long as I can find work here and especially with our unpredictable winter weather right now.</p><p></p><p>Really, I'm not sure how to articulate it well but I can see clearly now how she works. She went thru husbands, then a best "friend" getting them to support her and give her everything and revolve their lives around her, and they did. But now they have all passed away. I was always the child that she manipulated to make her feel good, but then she would bad mouth me even to the point of lieing many, many times to her friends to get the friends to feel for her. She bad mouthed me so much that she couldn't then act like she needed me- but she didn't want to either because she's never had any respect for me and she thought my bro would be there and do everything she needed when she got old. I think she used the difficult child issue to get sympathy from my bro- actually, I'm sure she did because that's how it started. She called my bro crying and saying she couldn't stand what poor difficult child was going thru. Somehow in the conversation, my bro decided my mother would help him get custody so he filed and told GAL to call my mom. My mom changed and told GAL that difficult child she live with me. This is why my bro will never speak to my mom again. He thought she really wanted him to have custody (that's all he has ever wanted)- she didn't. She wanted symptathy at my expense, again. Now she has no one but me and he sister. She spent years trashing her sister and doesn't want to move to where they are. She is trying to get either her sis and brother in law or me and difficult child to move down there with her- in HER house, on HER terms, to take care of her.</p><p></p><p>Poor difficult child thinks she (and my bro) really loves him so much. She never even came to the hospital when he was an infant in an oxygen tent. I could go on and on but I won't. It pains me- all she's really doing is trying to prep him to either take care of her or be her scapegoat or take my place in the way she treated me. I want to help difficult child open his eyes to this but I don't know how. He has figured out though that "she is different" and he has said there's something wrong with this family and he knows how she is. And it's not that I have ever bad-mouthed her to him- I haven't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 339171, member: 3699"] I like that a lot! Thank you! My mother sounds a lot like the one in your friend's situation. I used to think my mother had no idea how she was because she'd always been that way- and to the people who love(d) her most- because she grew up in dire poverty where people only struggled to survive and most were uneducated. (Although she became a career student and got a PhD). But after she stirred my bro and I found out she had something to do with him filing for custody and I told her some things on the phone about how I felt about it and said something about her inability to ever see things from anyone else's point of view...well, for instance, when she was a single parent if her sister had ever filed for custody of me, even when she had her concerns about my mom, I asked my mother what she would do and my mother told me she would NEVER had spoken to her sister again. I said something else (I don't remember what) and my mother said "look, I know I do things like that; I know what I've done". She elaborated enough to make it obvious to me that she knows she is this way and has always been this way. Then she apologized profusely which is the ONLY reason I even have minimal contact with her, and not wanting to completely wipe her out of difficult child's life since he doesn't have any other family in his life. I honeslty think she does these things for two reasons- 1) it has always worked in getting her the attention and someone to jump in and take care of her and give her what she wants, and 2) she has some real issues of her own and this is her way of keeping them "hidden" in her mind- in reality some people figure that out but it's really keeping her from doing anything about her own issues. Anyway, my therapist from my early days (the one who really did help me) told me my mmother would never change and not expect it so protect myself and never get back into that mode. Emotional blackmail is exactly it- and difficult child has already started down that road and I don't want his becoming a habit or extending beyond the typical teen manipulation trials. I did suggest to my mother that she try to contact one of the people that used to help her or check into one of the public services that might provide transportation to senior citizens in my email back to her. I told her I was sorry I couldn't help her but I couldn't come down there as long as I can find work here and especially with our unpredictable winter weather right now. Really, I'm not sure how to articulate it well but I can see clearly now how she works. She went thru husbands, then a best "friend" getting them to support her and give her everything and revolve their lives around her, and they did. But now they have all passed away. I was always the child that she manipulated to make her feel good, but then she would bad mouth me even to the point of lieing many, many times to her friends to get the friends to feel for her. She bad mouthed me so much that she couldn't then act like she needed me- but she didn't want to either because she's never had any respect for me and she thought my bro would be there and do everything she needed when she got old. I think she used the difficult child issue to get sympathy from my bro- actually, I'm sure she did because that's how it started. She called my bro crying and saying she couldn't stand what poor difficult child was going thru. Somehow in the conversation, my bro decided my mother would help him get custody so he filed and told GAL to call my mom. My mom changed and told GAL that difficult child she live with me. This is why my bro will never speak to my mom again. He thought she really wanted him to have custody (that's all he has ever wanted)- she didn't. She wanted symptathy at my expense, again. Now she has no one but me and he sister. She spent years trashing her sister and doesn't want to move to where they are. She is trying to get either her sis and brother in law or me and difficult child to move down there with her- in HER house, on HER terms, to take care of her. Poor difficult child thinks she (and my bro) really loves him so much. She never even came to the hospital when he was an infant in an oxygen tent. I could go on and on but I won't. It pains me- all she's really doing is trying to prep him to either take care of her or be her scapegoat or take my place in the way she treated me. I want to help difficult child open his eyes to this but I don't know how. He has figured out though that "she is different" and he has said there's something wrong with this family and he knows how she is. And it's not that I have ever bad-mouthed her to him- I haven't. [/QUOTE]
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