My out of control 18 year old Daughter

[Distressed]

I live in NY with my Husband and 18 year old Daughter. She has gotten so out of control that I am seeking out my options. She has stolen from us, gotten physical with us and we have had to call the police numerous times. She had a beautiful room that she has put holes in the walls and trashed. After the last physical altercation a police officer that came to us advised us to clean out her room and leave nothing but her bed, a dresser and her clothes. We took his advice and followed it. She walked in saw her room, shrugged her shoulders and said "I can live with this" and went to bed.

I have been told that by law we are financially responsible for her until she is 21 and can not legally "kick her out", but if she is physically abusive and is stealing from us, what are our rights? We can not be expected to have her arrested every time she does something and continue waiting for "the next time". If she can't respect our property and us she has to leave, but why should we be held responsible for her financially if we are already paying for her room and board here and she refuses to follow the rules that come with it. Does anyone know the answer to this? What are our rights? Please help.

-A desperate Mother

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there and welcome to our forum

Now for the serious stuff. First of all, you may want to start posting on Parent Emeritus, which is for parents of children who are 18 and over. Secondly, if you are in the US, 18 is the legal age when you can kick out your child without accountability for what she does. It is now on her shoulders. thirdly, I am guessing she is using drugs. That is probably the #1 reason our teens/young adults get involved in crime at their ages. You may not even know it, but in my opinion she is likely using drugs...to what extent, who knows? Probably alcohol too. The combo is bad. in my opinion her attitude, her rudeness, her criminality all yells DRUGS!!! I could be wrong, but I'm 80% sure I'm not. Have you checked her room for drug items? Ever have her randomly drug tested (although drug tests are not 100% accurate). What kind of friends does she have? This is very telling.

If she does not want to listen to your house rules, I do suggest giving her a deadline to either decide to get help and to follow a list of rules (that you and husband write down, which she signs) and if she can't comply to both requests, give her,s ay, three months to find a place and move out. Even if she ends up in the street (few do...our kids are resourceful), you are showing her the reality of her decisions. It is a wake up call to try to get the young adult to grow up.

Also, you and hub deserve a quiet, peaceful life and to enjoy each other without this young adult destorying your house, disrespecting you, and breaking the law...all which causes you a great deal of stress which you don't need.

I strongly suggest you at least read Parent Emeritus and next time maybe post there.

Hugs and I wish you luck. I had to make my daughter leave our house...I cried for three weeks, but she ended up straightening out her life and she matured a lot. I don't think this would have happened if we would have kept her at home. We are very close now, by the way.

Take care and keep us updated!

 

[keista]

MWM, no disrespect, but I believe the laws are different in NY. For some reason NY makes parents responsible longer. Not sure how, why or the logic behind it, but it's come up before on these forums.

Distresses, welcome! Yes, you'll probably get more assistance over at Parent Emeritus. I think your best bet to get answers to your questions is to talk to the police and even child protective services. They'll be the ones more able to guide you regarding your rights and responsibilities in NY.

 

[Distressed]

Thanks, I did post this on the other site with some added information as well. Thanks for your help both of you.