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MY penny dropped!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 631997" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I understand why you would ask that. I can see how it would seem morally appropriate. However, I agree that we cannot manage anyone else, our difficult child's or the people they come in contact with and perhaps ultimately harm. </p><p></p><p>Maybe this will help some. I read years ago, I think it was a Buddha quote, but I'm not sure, that our greatest teachers are our adversaries. I believe life offers us 'lessons' so that made perfect sense to me. My difficult child has been a great teacher for me. As was my ex husband. Painful? Yes. Did I learn a lot? Absolutely. So, the people your difficult child comes in contact with may indeed need to learn how to detach, how to let go, how to spot a manipulator, how to gain strength or courage or will power or the ability to tell the truth and defend themselves. We don't know any of that, nor should we, it is not our business, it is theirs.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't think you will have to tread carefully. I think when we accept our difficult child's and understand that we cannot change them, we surrender to the truth of all of it and it becomes easier. They are who they are, we get it, we have boundaries, we trust ourselves to know what to do, we let go, we are simply being our authentic selves and I think that eliminates the need to be careful. We are present with what is. I think that truth sets us free of that having to be careful or having to be anything. Just being. </p><p></p><p>You're learning very valuable lessons in what the truth of your difficult child is. Now he has told you who he is. That might be perceived as an act of love. All he is asking for is for you to love him. You already love him. I think in accepting the truth, in accepting him for who he is, you set both of you free. We don't need to judge them, or save them, or fix them, or manage them.......and accepting them doesn't condone any of their actions, it frees US.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 631997, member: 13542"] I understand why you would ask that. I can see how it would seem morally appropriate. However, I agree that we cannot manage anyone else, our difficult child's or the people they come in contact with and perhaps ultimately harm. Maybe this will help some. I read years ago, I think it was a Buddha quote, but I'm not sure, that our greatest teachers are our adversaries. I believe life offers us 'lessons' so that made perfect sense to me. My difficult child has been a great teacher for me. As was my ex husband. Painful? Yes. Did I learn a lot? Absolutely. So, the people your difficult child comes in contact with may indeed need to learn how to detach, how to let go, how to spot a manipulator, how to gain strength or courage or will power or the ability to tell the truth and defend themselves. We don't know any of that, nor should we, it is not our business, it is theirs. I don't think you will have to tread carefully. I think when we accept our difficult child's and understand that we cannot change them, we surrender to the truth of all of it and it becomes easier. They are who they are, we get it, we have boundaries, we trust ourselves to know what to do, we let go, we are simply being our authentic selves and I think that eliminates the need to be careful. We are present with what is. I think that truth sets us free of that having to be careful or having to be anything. Just being. You're learning very valuable lessons in what the truth of your difficult child is. Now he has told you who he is. That might be perceived as an act of love. All he is asking for is for you to love him. You already love him. I think in accepting the truth, in accepting him for who he is, you set both of you free. We don't need to judge them, or save them, or fix them, or manage them.......and accepting them doesn't condone any of their actions, it frees US. [/QUOTE]
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