My plan for this afternoon

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Antsmom asked me in my other post what we were planning on telling our children about what is going on with me and husband. I responded to her there, but figured that post was getting a little long, so I started a new one. This is what I told antsmom.

    Both of my kids were aware a few years back when we were talking about seperating, so I don't think they will be hugely surprised now.
    I think we will tell them that there are some issues that we need to sort through and that we have kind of grown apart and need some time to think about what we really want. I'll have to discuss this with him and my counselor before approaching either one of them.

    I wasn't going to discuss any of this with my h today because it is our anniversary, but since we aren't really celebrating it I changed my mind. I have some things I need to say to him and I think he kind of knows what is coming anyway, so I decided why keep going over and over it in my head and putting it off. I just called him and asked him to meet me after I get out of work today so we can talk and he said he thought that was a good idea.

    What I plan on telling him is partly what the counselor said, that when he chose to have a relationship with someone else, he already left me, so there isn't a decision to be made anymore on who is leaving who. I'm going to tell him I think it's best we find him an apartment and that I will continue counseling for myself and that I feel he should do the same and we will have to take it from there and see what happens as far as the future.

    He did tell my girlfriend yesterday that he had a full blown panic attack while working and put himself in my place and that he knows if it were the other way around he would never be able to stay with me if I had done this to him, so I don't think what I am suggesting to him will be a huge surprise.

    The first thing I am going to suggest to him is that he talk to his mom and be honest with her about what he has done. I am very close to her and he has been very open with her in the past as far as placing blame on me for not giving him enough attention so it is very very important to me that she knows the truth of why we are seperating right now. If anyone comes to me thinking this was a decision made because of something I did I will straighten that out very quickly.

    Wish me luck. I have to remember to keep in my head that he chose this, I didn't do anything wrong to cause it and not let him allow me to start questioning that. He has a way of doing that where by the end of the conversation he will be the victim and I'll be feeling guilty that I caused this and am now doing something to make him even unhappier.

    God, give me strength!!!!!
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending you mega peace, strength, hugs, and prayers. I know how hard this is.........but I also know how strong you are.
    Stay the course with him, do not let him try to detour you, keep your head held high, and know that we are here for you.

    Keep us posted.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I'm rooting for you! Just have tunnel vision - focus on the end result that you want, and don't let him twist it around.

    REMEMBER AT ALL TIMES: This is based on his choices, decisions and actions. YOU did nothing to deserve this AT ALL!

    I know the feeling of it being "on the rocks". We had a BAD 2006/7. It's very slowly, but surely evening out, but I still have my bad days...I understand the self-doubt but didn't allow it to overshadow the fact that I'm nice and deserved, no DEMANDED, better.

    Good luck tonight, God bless, and let us know how you're doing!

  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Karen, I know that words can't describe how difficult this time is for you, but I wanted to say that I admire the grace and strength with which you are handling it.

    Take care of you.

  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Just keep telling yourself and him that "he needs to make himself happy" Don't let him put you on the guilt trip and you need to tell him that from the get go.....Tell him that you don't want to hear any of that so get it out of his venacular right from the start of your conversation.

    I hope things go well. Go with strength! You are woman....let me hear you roar!
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Although my difficult children kept me very BUSY yesterday and I didn't have a chance to respond, I managed to briefly visit this bb. I was thinking about you and wanted to know how you were doing...

    I want you to know that I think you have more inner strength than you realize, along with lots of courage, determination, and wisdom. I truly believe that you will come out of this a happier person no matter what you finally decide to do.

    However, in the meantime, I can't even begin to imagine all of the pain and unhappiness you are going through... I wish I had some great advice for you... I truly wish I could help you in some way... Unfortunately, all I can do is listen, and let you know that I'm thinking of you...

    Sending a cyber shoulder to lean on...WFEN
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    All of your support and caring give me so much strength. Between you and my boyfriend Jill, a.k.a. Lucy, I know I can get through this.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    When I need to strengthen myself over some issue in my marriage, it helps me to concentrate on what I SHOULD have had from husband and did not get. I find that concentrating on what husband did that was wrong weakens me. And I think that at the bottom of every stupid thing your husband has done lately, it's the things he hasn't done that matter.

    He has not been the solid comfort ~ either for you or for your father ~ that he should have been at this time.

    That's really the thing he did wrong.

    How he managed to do that, whether there was another woman involved and what she did or did not do to him ~ none of that matters. There is more to a husband than where his genitals have been, lately. Don't let him trick you into discussing what he has been doing with his genitalia, or what exactly the degree of betrayal is.

    Your husband has been a drama queen. He has done stupid or foolish or pointless things, and now expects you to give him your full attention WHEN YOUR MOTHER JUST PASSED AWAY AND YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER IN YOUR HOME.

    Don't be distracted by thoughts of his mother. There is no way you can come out on top in that one ~ and that is another thing husband's behaviors have cost you WHEN YOU JUST LOST YOUR OWN MOTHER.

    I hope your meeting with husband goes well. It isn't about what he did or did not do with his genitals. It's that the rest of him betrayed you so he could do it.

    I just can't believe your husband is doing this to you, now. Every marriage is different, but I am pretty certain the last thing I would want to deal with if I had just lost my mother is determining the degree of my husband's betrayal, or trying to convince husband to move out so I could grieve my mother's passing.

    He would be out there dancing in the moonlight on his own.

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Karen. You're doing great, my friend. DDD