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my problem, not grave or scary
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 628403" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi, Landshark. I think your story is about equal to many of ours. If she is the adult child who took off for seven years doing who-knows-what, that is pretty serious. Also, her total disregard for the things she was given is very disrespectful in my opinion. I wouldn't buy her towels. I wouldn't get her anything. I wouldn't wash her clothes. She is over thirty. My kids, and two were difficult children, washed their own clothes by age twelve and at least got life skills. If sh e wants to stink, that is her decision. Does she get disability? If so, why? And if so why can't she use her disability check to buy her own things? I'm on disability too and while it's not a lot it is money one can use to get by.</p><p></p><p>There has got to be more to the story than she is just not doing anything. She has to have a back story. It is difficult to tell you what may work best for you without knowing it. I do think she is way beyond the age where you can help her. Everything you've tried so far, and I'm guessing it is everything available, has not worked. We can't fix our kids. Truth be told, we can control our minor children to a point, but we can't even change THEM. We can however force them to at least go to therapy. You can't do that with a grown daughter. What would compel you to buy her yet more things that she won't take care of?</p><p></p><p>I'm one of the moms who thinks that the more you do for an adult child, especially one as old as yours, the more we hold them back because they have no incentive to do anything themselves. Even if she is depressed, I have a severe depressive disorder too...once I begged a doctor to give me ECT. But I still washed my own clothes. She can do that. It is bad for her mental health and depression to do nothing. That only makes it worse, if indeed that is what it is and we don't really know.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like her boyfriend was bad news and I'm betting the farm that drugs were involved in her missing seven years. I know it is hurtful to think about that, but why else would she stay away for so long?</p><p></p><p>I hope you can learn to detach...and start to focus on yourself. Your daughter is old enough to decide what to do with the rest of her life, but if you keep doing things for her as if she were incapable or a child, she doesn't seem as if she will grow up. And at your age, which can't be that young, you deserve a magnificent rest-of-your-life, not playing Mommy to a grown toddler (I have one too, however he DOES support himself).</p><p></p><p>Do you have hobbies, friends, family who you can hang out with and relax with? Do you have ways of relieving stress and just kicking back to enjoy yourself? You are not caring for your own needs. My guess is that your daughter will find some other dysfunctional boyfriend to latch onto and maybe will even take off again. You can't control her or what she is or wh at she does and you can't help ANYBODY who isn't willing to work hard at it and doesn't want the help. You are not her and she is not you. She is 100% in control of whether she gets help and works hard at it. You are in 0% of whether she gets help or works hard at it. But you are 100% in charge of making your own life good. Many of us have learned to live peaceful, serene lives in spite of having dysfunctional adult children. This is my favorite bit of wisdom and you don't really need to be religious to appreciate the message. I had a necklace with this entire prayer on it at one time.</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The Courage to the change the things I can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 628403, member: 1550"] Hi, Landshark. I think your story is about equal to many of ours. If she is the adult child who took off for seven years doing who-knows-what, that is pretty serious. Also, her total disregard for the things she was given is very disrespectful in my opinion. I wouldn't buy her towels. I wouldn't get her anything. I wouldn't wash her clothes. She is over thirty. My kids, and two were difficult children, washed their own clothes by age twelve and at least got life skills. If sh e wants to stink, that is her decision. Does she get disability? If so, why? And if so why can't she use her disability check to buy her own things? I'm on disability too and while it's not a lot it is money one can use to get by. There has got to be more to the story than she is just not doing anything. She has to have a back story. It is difficult to tell you what may work best for you without knowing it. I do think she is way beyond the age where you can help her. Everything you've tried so far, and I'm guessing it is everything available, has not worked. We can't fix our kids. Truth be told, we can control our minor children to a point, but we can't even change THEM. We can however force them to at least go to therapy. You can't do that with a grown daughter. What would compel you to buy her yet more things that she won't take care of? I'm one of the moms who thinks that the more you do for an adult child, especially one as old as yours, the more we hold them back because they have no incentive to do anything themselves. Even if she is depressed, I have a severe depressive disorder too...once I begged a doctor to give me ECT. But I still washed my own clothes. She can do that. It is bad for her mental health and depression to do nothing. That only makes it worse, if indeed that is what it is and we don't really know. Sounds like her boyfriend was bad news and I'm betting the farm that drugs were involved in her missing seven years. I know it is hurtful to think about that, but why else would she stay away for so long? I hope you can learn to detach...and start to focus on yourself. Your daughter is old enough to decide what to do with the rest of her life, but if you keep doing things for her as if she were incapable or a child, she doesn't seem as if she will grow up. And at your age, which can't be that young, you deserve a magnificent rest-of-your-life, not playing Mommy to a grown toddler (I have one too, however he DOES support himself). Do you have hobbies, friends, family who you can hang out with and relax with? Do you have ways of relieving stress and just kicking back to enjoy yourself? You are not caring for your own needs. My guess is that your daughter will find some other dysfunctional boyfriend to latch onto and maybe will even take off again. You can't control her or what she is or wh at she does and you can't help ANYBODY who isn't willing to work hard at it and doesn't want the help. You are not her and she is not you. She is 100% in control of whether she gets help and works hard at it. You are in 0% of whether she gets help or works hard at it. But you are 100% in charge of making your own life good. Many of us have learned to live peaceful, serene lives in spite of having dysfunctional adult children. This is my favorite bit of wisdom and you don't really need to be religious to appreciate the message. I had a necklace with this entire prayer on it at one time. "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, The Courage to the change the things I can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." [/QUOTE]
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