My radar is up - nervous

[nvts]

Ok, here we go.

About 2 years ago, husband and I were on the outs. He was going through a depression because he lost his job and nothing was coming through. He was on the computer "looking for a job" but it turned out that he was back in contact with some old friends from when he was a kid. One of them was the sister of an old girlfriend (10 years his junior).

At that time, he claimed he was no longer "in-love" and needed to think. I gave him a couple of months of working this through, but was watching things like a hawk. She was signaling him via cell phone that she was online and they'd start IM'ing back and forth (he thought I didn't know what was going on).

It came to a head when I told him that I wasn't borrowing money from my dad anymore to make the bills. He blew up, yelled about "I'm done". I took the kids across to my dads, told him to pack his sh!t and head for his mothers. When her realized that I was serious, and that he couldn't just joke his way out of it, he slammed his fist on the counter. I looked him square in the eye and said "tell me when to flinch". I guess that's when he knew that there was no way out of this.

I made things very very very clear as to the changes I expected and that included no contact, limited computer and if I caught him again he was gone. I know I haven't ever gotten over the whole thing (I'm still not convinced that he didn't meet up with her - the stupid broad was trying to get him to go to concerts with her!), but he's made monumental changes.

A few weeks ago, he started logging into the computer again. He has a work cell, so I was going to get rid of his old one, but something told me not to. I noticed last night on the cell bill that there were 3 calls to voice mail within minutes of each other. Then I noticed that the cell was missing. I found it in his briefcase with a new password. I haven't snooped the email yet. But about 2 weeks ago I saw an email from him to another friend (happily married, kids - one with problems like difficult child 1 - not a threat) touching base again after well over a year.

Here's the thing - he's been nice, loving, "I love you's" all the nice nice stuff, but somethings just nagging at me.

Do I say something about the phone? Do I tell him that I'm getting nervous? Do I bide my time and see what happens? Do I check the email? If I do, can he tell that I accessed it? Is all the "nicey" crap a cover? Am I just pregnant and paranoid?

I need some really truthful, objective opinions here.

Thanks guys!

me

 

[trinityroyal]

Hey Beth,

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

First off, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you ;-)

You're having this uneasy feeling for a reason, so you shouldn't ignore it. Whether you've pinpointed the cause of your nervous feeling correctly or not, SOMETHING is bothering you and you need to sort it out.

You have stated your options pretty clearly.

A few things to think about...
- If your husband is doing something sneaky and you mention your unease, he might start to cover his tracks better
- However, it seems that, with the changed cellphone password, hiding the phone etc., he's already doing that

My preferred option would be to tell him. You're seeing signs in his behaviour that indicate he's not being straight up with you, it's making you nervous, and you need to know what's going on.

Other, wiser heads will weigh in soon. I will give this some more thought and come back, but these are my first, raw and uncaffeinated impressions.

Hang in there,
Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Well my radar would be up to!

I don't know what I'd do. I will think about this and post later.

Mega hugs.

 

[jal]

Trust your gut. I worked with a friend who had this happen to her. Her H would go into the shed and talk on his cell, would get calls at odd hours. She also watched the cell phone bill and thee were unexplained phone numbers on it. They were going down the tubes for several years before this happened and she gave him all the free reign he wanted, being able to go out Friday and Saturday nights to the bar or whatever. She grew tired of this and retreated to her computer (not to meet anyone, but it was her escape to game).

I am sorry if this is happening, but all I can say is trust your gut. It is usually right.

 

[klmno]

I just wanted to send HUGS and support... it seems sometimes men must have hormonal changes duriing pregancy, too, and end up doing really stupid things. I don't know the answer but don't know that I'd let this go on to long without saying something....

 

[ML]

I feel sick reading this. I mean, you're pregnant you don't need this. I say that you should talk to him and ask him point blank if he is slipping into his old ways. Then unless your gut speaks even louder to you, you almost have no choice but to believe him if he tells you he's innocent of wrongdoings. Try to let it go for now otherwise you'll make yourself sick.

If you find out any new information that confirms your suspicisions you will have to make some decisions.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Hugs. Please take it ez. ML

 

[hearts and roses]

I think our gut reaction is always dead on and our natural instincts usually guide us better than anything else.

If you've been alone with yourself and released everything else from your mind and your radar is up and your gut is telling you something is not right, then I really think you need to talk with H about it ASAP. You're about to have a major addition to your family - better to have this out in the open and dealt with as soon as possible.

And I strongly recommend marital counseling. A) you need to work through your trust issues from his past behaviors and B) he needs to reaffirm his committment to you and understand clearly what that means to both of you and then act on it, whichever way that ends up being.

H and I have had a major breach of trust between us and it took me a while before I felt I could trust him again. He's a good hard working man, but he doesn't deal with stress or depression well and that's when the trouble began. KNOWING that, he is able to express himself to ME rather than seek out things on the outside of our marriage that help him cope. I am not trying to be cryptic and I think you understand what I'm saying.

I hope you find the strength to face this head on. And don't let him get away with telling you you're just hormonal! Sending hugs~

 

[Hound dog]

Beth

Always listen to your gut. I think this is where many people make mistakes. They don't take their instincts seriously. I'd say his behavior is already becoming suspicious due to his past. But you may be picking up on other more subtle clues that is setting your radar off.

As to how to handle it........... Well, you know your husband best.

If it were mine, and it has been, I'd have to sneak around playing detective and get evidence if I wanted any hope of honestly from husband. Then confront him. Otherwise he won't stop denying. But that's my husband. (he has trouble being honest when I'm standing there with evidence)

(((hugs)))

 

[Star*]

Dear Super Squirrel,

After years and YEARS of being with someone who was defeitful, manipulating, self-serving and a player - it was very hard for me to have a good healthy relationship with an honest, forthright, doting, love who really wanted to have a relationship with me. Therapy was a life saver for me.

I refuse to live with someone I can't trust. This is why Dude is not in the home. But over the years I have learned that my gut instinct is based on my life experiences and how I have reacted to dishonesty in the past.

Are you over reacting? (shrug) don't know. Do you have a right to be suspicious of his actions? Based on past performance and the "I dont' love you now" comment? Sure. (loved the part about tell me when to flinch must borrow that) But does that mean that he's doing it again? Not necessarily.

But having suspicions based on being pregnant or hormonal? Nah. Wanting a peanut butter cookie dunked in mayo? Yeah that sounds hormonal. But not being suspicious of someone who has breached your trust before. But like Jo said - you really need to get this out of your system. She makes an excellent point in, if you have no trust you have nothing.

So do you trust him? I think you want to, it sure is EASIER on a woman to trust a man that's betrayed her, because not trusting him get's you back to wondering, feeling uneasy and stressed out. However I don't think you do trust him and have unresolved issues that are spilling over into this similar scenario.

At this point I think with a 4th child on the way your question isnt' should I confront him? For me it would be WHY don't I trust you? You trust him enough to have a child with him, but not enough to live with him? See? That's the part that is hinkey to me. So what if..........

Instead of telling him I don't trust you flat out - you tell him that you'd like to start seeing a couples therapist to work on your relationship. You don't have to tell HIM you dont' trust him, you can tell that in therapy and work on it together with a therapist.

I think you SHOULD be able to walk up to him and say "Sit down, I have something that is bugging me and I want to talk to you about it." and when you have said your peace??? He SINCERELY looks at you and says "You have no worries, here I'll show you." and then tells you who, what where. But I don't think you have that at this point OR you wouldnt' be telling us - you'd be talking to him. So there IS a breach of trust, with unresolved anger.

If you were to go to him now and tell him how you feel, and DID NOT get the reaction you were looking for THAT is only going to a.) make him a better liar and he'll start hiding stuff better if he does have something to hide or b.) **** him off that you STILL do not trust him and haven't gotten over something that maybe HE felt WAS resolved, and now he has to look at you as if he's living with a woman that doesn't trust him.

Either way you slice it kid - you have trust issues. So my thought before you go fully armored, charging in with accusations or even questions of doubt - maybe it would be better to settle the issue of trust first, and in the mean time keep your eyes open.

In the end I hope he committs to doing a couples therapy and hey - COME ON - you are going to be parents of FOUR children - you are really going to need a brush up on your communications skills, your ALONE time skills, and appreciation skills.

But I swear if he's being a two timing squirrel? I think I'll hop a plane to NY and his acorns won't be the only thing he'll be missing.

Hugs - isn't pregnancy wonderful?????? HOW IS MY LITTLE NEICE??? Coocy coochy coooooo.....AUNTI STAR WUVES HER>>>>>YES SHE DOES, YESSSS SHE DOES!!!! (Ask anyone I'm already over the edge I'm just yodeling to be heard)

S

 

[trinityroyal]

Beth,
Star said it better than I ever could, and Jo is right on the money.
Regardless of what's going on with husband, you need to be able to trust him and he needs to be worthy of your trust. I think marital counselling is a good idea.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Trinity

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm all for the counseling idea. I agree with-Star, whether legit or not, you have trust issues and you need to learn to communicate better and have time for just the 2 of you. 4 kids is a lot.

As an aside, my husband and I leave our cell ph's on the kitchen counter every night to charge them. I've never heard of hiding one in a briefcase b4.

I LOVE the flinch comment. I'm going to steal it! LOL.

 

[KTMom91]

I have to agree with the others. Trust your instincts. And the hiding of cell phones? Not a good sign. Sending many hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry you feel so vulnerable right now. I think Star and Jo said all I would say.

Hugs,

 

[Steely]

Well, if it was me..........which is not saying much since I am a highly suspicious person.........I would be snooping through every single thing he owns. There are programs you can get to put on your computer that track every keystroke one makes. He would never know it was there, but you would. I would also be getting a copy of the phone bill, and see incoming and outgoing numbers. I would nip this in the bud, now, and make sure you have nothing to worry about so you can relax and be confident in your pregnancy.

I am so sorry things are challenging and difficult. Hugs.

 

[bran155]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I also, am in agreement with the others, a woman's intuition never lies. Your gut is your best lie detector. That's not to say give him the boot right off the bat, but do pay close attention. Whether he is doing something or not, trust must be a part of the equation. Maybe the counseling is a good idea. You will drive yourself crazy if you cant trust him.

Try and stay calm as you need to care for yourself first and for most. Keeping you in my prayers and sending you big {{{{HUGS}}}}. Hang in there and God bless.

 

[hearts and roses]

I just want to add a couple of comments about snooping, in reference to Steely's post.

When you snoop, all you do is REINFORCE the mistrust between you. You compound the breach of trust that already exists between you.

When you snoop, you feed into your fears and make yourself a wreck - nothing is resolved, nothing is saved, and no one feels better.

I know about snooping and believe me, it is not a healthy way to live.

When you purposefully DO NOT SNOOP, you are letting go of that codependent behavior that snooping IS. Snooping is codependent behavior because you are trying to sniff out a rat, head off the punch, catch him 'in the act', so that you can prevent the undesired behavior...which, in the end, is impossible. It is up to H to make the choice to be up front and honest and not hide things from you - you can't make him do that and snooping will not help.

Snooping brings YOU down, it saps YOU of all your energy and sanity. It is not healthy for you.

I really like Star's suggestion to simply tell him that you believe it's time to seek marital counseling and then confront him in the counselor's office. Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that snooping is not a healthy way to go about this. I wish you the best - I know that it's very VERY difficult not to want to snoop. I still have days where I have to stop my thinking and move to another room or work very hard at redirecting my thought process.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Hugs, trust your intuition. That is what it is there for. Otherwise everybody has pretty much said what I would.

beth

 

[meowbunny]

I've found that many pregnant women are highly emotional. Sometimes their instincts are dead on, sometimes they're on the moon. However, it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. What matters is what you are feeling. I'd talk to him. You know him. You'll know whether his reponses are those of someone guilty or not. The only trick will be to be sure he's guilty of the accusation or something entirely innocent. Again, it doesn't matter. What matters is your feelings.

Especially right now, you need and deserve to be secure. As I said, I would talk to him. Snooping is counterproductive and just demeans you in the long run. Just remember you need to be secure. He may be totally innocent. He may be guilty as all get out. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you feel good. You deserve that.

I also think a big question would be what do you plan to do if you're right? You might want to make some decisions about that before talking to him. Sometimes a good plan of attack can make a huge difference.

For now, HUGS

 

[Lothlorien]

Whatever your ultimate decision is... hugs. I can't imagine being pregnant and dealing with the unknown as you are....not to mention your other children. Do what you have to, in order to make yourself feel better, especially considering your pregnancy. Just make sure you have the alternate plans in place, just in case things don't go positively. Whatever the case may be, the most important thing is that you protect and provide for yourself and your children.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with what Star said-and she said it so well!