My radar is up - nervous

amazeofgrace

A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
yes your post brings back bad memories of the past with S2BX, so many lies. But of course your d/h is not my S2BX, so listen to your heart and keep a watchful eye.
 

Lori4ever

New Member
I'm sorry you're going through this. I like the responses you've been given, they say it all. Please take care of yoursellf, okay?!
 

nvts

Active Member
Thank you all so much for the great support and suggestions.

Cooler heads prevailed and I sort of used a "smattering" of the suggestions that were given.

As far as counceling, I've been talking to difficult child 1's therapist for a while about the past "indescretions" that had gone on, so I gave her a quick call and ran things past her. All this for a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. She's gotten (over the years) to be more of a friend to me as well as a therapist for difficult child 1. She also treated difficult child 3 for her anxiety (quite successfully!).

She said that I should expect to have these feelings for a long time whenever things get really stressful because I gave him so much latitude when the initial stuff happened. She said that had I been true to myself when all the garbage went on (and she's not saying that the path I chose was wrong - just against my nature) and just thrown him to the wolves rather than understanding, it would have been easier to lick my wounds and move on. Since I didn't go with my gut the first time, that ANY suggestion of an issue would open the floodgates.

Hmmm. Makes sense. Next time I handle it my way and have a bunch of post cards ready to mail to the kids from my jail cell! ;)

Anywho, he got home from work and was in a fantastic mood, which is not unusual for him, he's working with an organization that handles the buildings for kids and adults with Cerebral Palsy. At first he'd come home upset because he sympathized with the clients, but now as he goes to the various locations, he's getting to know them, has his "pets" that he'll do anything for and is really getting to know them as human beings. I have to admit, we've all been enjoying the change here.

He saw right away that something was bugging me, asked what was wrong and I told him I would like him to take some vacation time so that we could just sit and talk with one another. He said "consider it done", and started making plans for our date. Sh!t! Not what I was trying to put across.

After dinner, the kids were in bed etc., he didn't head up to our room. He just plopped down on the couch (he likes So You Think You Can Dance & I'm not into it). "I'm worried. You look like you have the world on your shoulders and all of it's problems on your mind - what's wrong?"

Well, I started with "You know I have all the trust issues since all the stuff that went on and you said that I should come to you with any problems - but I don't want to get into an arguement - I just need to figure some stuff out". "Well, don't "figure them out" - what I need from you is to let me know if I'm doing something to make you feel that we're out of touch".

So:
1. all the computer time
2. talking with Ro and not mentioning it to me
3. the old cell in the brief case with a new password on a slip of paper
4. the choosing tv shows that you know I don't like so that I'll stay downstairs

He took my hand, and said, "listen, I'll never forgive myself for doing ANYTHING to hurt you, but I can't just take it back. I love you, I'm in love with you and never fell out of it. I was stuck in a "whoa is me" time and took it out on you. I almost lost you because of it and I'll never take that chance again. With you pregnant, I worry every second that I wasted time being a jerk and with this being dangerous for you that I could lose you, lose you. So if I'm doing something to make you worry or stress or anything else, you HAVE to tell me so I can stop it."

1. computer: he's clearing memory and getting rid of duplicate programs (he's got 4 programs that will copy cd's etc.), but then he has to also clear out all of the backup disc, otherwise if he has to restore something he'll end up reinstalling a bunch of **** that he'd already trashed. His "RollerCoaster Tycoon" is running too slow with all of the extra junk on it.
2. He hasn't spoken to Ro - she sent him an email to tell him that her Mom (he was very close to her when they were growing up) was terminally ill and now living with her and her husband. He emailed her back and that was a long while ago).
3. I had mentioned letting my sister have his old cell phone for emergencies so he went to get all of his pictures off it and couldn't remember the password for his voice mail so he called the company, got a new password (that's why it was on a slip of paper closed into the phone) and was cleaning it out. He handed difficult child 1 the phone and asked him to "put it over there" and difficult child thought he meant his briefcase).
4. Has like SYTYCD for all of the seasons and doesn't have an explanation other than "I like the show".

I guess part of my issue is that I felt "played" on the other go-around and I swore to king and country that I'd never let that happen again. And I won't. But you guys taught me - just say something and don't let it fester. I guess because I always have to think about what battle I have to fight with the difficult child's I'm pretty gunshy about just speaking my mind.

So, I'm still plowing ahead with the trust issues, was shocked at how smoothly things went (hmmmmm...), and will keep my eyes and ears open and my gums a flappin'.

Thank you my family and friends for always being here! I truly do love the whole bunch of you!

I'm dying for a Claussen pickle.

Beth
 

SaraT

New Member
I'm glad your talk went well and hope you are feeling better now. Trust is a hard thing to get back, but it sounds like he is trying. Good luck to both of you.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Oh Beth. I'm so glad to hear how things turned out.
Sounds like husband is really committed to regaining your trust and is working very hard not to do anything to hurt you.

Good on you for speaking up, and so eloquently.

Yay!
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Wow, I was nervous to read the update, but I am so HAPPY that you spoke up, didn't argue and things went so well for you!! Yippeee - cheering loudly here~!
 

klmno

Active Member
I am sooo glad that you are not still walking around with that weight on your back! You made the right choice- and so did he!!
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Sounds like things went very well in your little chat and I'm very glad you got a chance to clear the air and speak your mind. I have to say, JoG's advice in my humble opinion was RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON!!
 
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