My rambling thoughts.....

[Mom2oddson]

I've been struggling lately.

I've been in pain for months. I have achilles tendonitis which means there is pain with every step...mild pain, moderate pain or OMG Cut off my leg now pain. I can have the muscles in the back of my leg cut and I should be better is a couple of months or I can do stretches for up to two years to get it better. And my doctor won't give me physical therapy for the stretches. It's either let me cut you or go figure it out yourself. I don't want to be cut so I suffer.

And the walking funny from the pain has got the sciatic all mad again. So, I hurt sitting, standing, walking or lying down. And it is wearing on me.

Then I have my Job...First - my job is secure and safe as a leaky rubber life raft in shark invested waters. There is a power struggle way up high that is causing trouble for us little people. I'm a contractor and two different agencies are warring to have their way. One wants us, one doesn't. The one that wants us is the highest up agency, the one that doesn't is the one we work for directly.... so the one that doesn't want us has been turning work away. So, I get to sit at my desk for 8 hours and look busy while I have no work. Talk about misery. There is no sense of accomplishment, no sense of purpose, just frustration. And doing nothing for 8 hours wears you out! And new jobs that pay above minimum wage are hard to find. When the beginners position of receptionist at the county was given to a person with a doctorate AND can fluently speak 6 launguages - no wonder I get back letters saying that there were more qualified applicants.

Then we have the kids. Steph how has disowned us and is trying to kill herself slowly with her drugs. Ant who will see us if there is something in it for him. He came to town for five days for my birthday - I saw him at the resturant where my Dad bought every one dinner and then didn't see him again. And then easy child has now decided that he will remain in Minnesota after he graduates from College - and he won't be able to come home for Christmas.

So...I've been at a real loss lately. I read somewhere that "We are hard wired to experience belonging and when we don't we break". I haven't broken....but I am at a real loss of identity. I'm not a Mom anymore - or not an active Mom. And I don't get any satisfaction from my job. I spend my weekends babysitting Grandma - that means I sit at the casino with her for Hours and hours and hours (I pack my kindle with me and get a lot of reading done). husband works nights and I work days so the weekends (when I'm not with Grandma) I get to see him.

I looked into groups/activities to join. They are either in the day so I can't do them or they don't start until after 7pm and when your alarm goes off at 3:30am.... late nights don't work for me.

I'm lacking purpose right now, and feeling very disconnected. If I can't figure out something soon, I'm afraid that depression is going to set in with a vengeance.

Thanks for letting me ramble.....

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sending hugs your way.............I read your post and thought of something I heard years ago that made me feel better, just a tweak of a perception...........that when the doors all close behind you, you end up in 'the hallway' the place of transition, where, unfortunately, we often wait entirely too long in my opinion...........but the wait is just until the new doors open up. It appears as if you're in that hallway, one of life's transitions, a change, and on a number of levels too. For me, when I've been there, it ALWAYS takes too long, and yet, as I've gotten older I recognize that in all that time I'm making internal decisions as to what I want to do next now that this part is over. It's an exploration. It's probably all made so much worse because you're in pain all the time. I say this a lot here and sorry if it's another repeat, but what consistently helps me with those kinds of physical issues is acupuncture. It might be worth a try to get you out of pain and from there you might see a brighter picture of where you are. Those 'hallways' can be tough. Do something nice for yourself.............

 

[InsaneCdn]

Find something - anything - you can do that is physically active. swimming? yoga? "wheel-chair" exercises?
Even if it's just your fingers that can be active, DO something - knit, crochet, make a quilt, re-hem those drapes that are bugging you... SOMETHING. Anything. There's lots of options that don't require joining a group.

When pain and physical disabilities kick in, the first thing to go is "action"... and inaction tends to feed depression if you are prone to that. Meaningful activity is a powerful antidote.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Mom2oddson,

I read your post and thought maybe I should tell you about my experience vis-a-vis pains in the feet and legs. I had dreadful pains. I had been buying orthopedic shoes and/or sandals for many years. Yes, I am a bit overweight, but not enormous. The pains got worse and worse. My sister who is a physiotherapist with loads of experience told me about a foot doctor -- I think they are called "podiatrist" or "podipod" or something like that. Anyway, I went to him and he took a sort of plaster-of-paris cast of my feet, one for each foot. This was in order for them to be sent to the USA where there is a special firm that makes insoles. It was not cheap. This guy instilled me with confidence (and I don't usually have muh confidence in medical personnel). He said to me: "I can help you. You must listen to what I say. You will wear these insoles all the time. Do NOT let any surgeon near your feet, don't let anyone cut you. When ligaments become inflamed, it takes a very long time for them to get better because we walk on our feet all the time and they don't get a chance to rest. Be very careful, because if you don't do what I say you will be a cripple!"

Well, you can imagine, I was scared stiff. But I trusted my sister, and I did do what he said. It took about a year, but I can honestly say that I can now walk for hours on end, and I don't have the pains I used to have. Also a pain I had in my hip has disappeared, so I suppose it was connected. I have actually two sets of insoles. One is half the foot (the back half) and I wear that with ordinary good shoes. The other one is the length of the whole of my foot, and I wear those in Nike shoes. The podiatrist sold me those shoes. They are very supportive. I had been so desperate at the time, and I thought I would have to start wearing "granny shoes" that lace up the ankle. Well, I don't have to. It is now several years. He told me that if I ever feel any pain at all, I must come to him. I do that, and he makes some sort of very slight adjustment to the insole.

I hope I haven't bored you, but I think it is quite relevant to what you described.

Anyway, I wish you better, whatever you do.

Love, Esther

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

How about volunteering to walk/socialize dogs at the local pound or no kill shelter? I'm hoping once I get this hoard cleared out finally that I can do that.......for the pound that is. The volunteers that help are wonderful people and work so hard that their adoption rate is higher than the no kill shelter, their euthanasia rate has dropped dramatically too.

 

[Star*]

OMG if you all could see how she knits!!!!!!! You'd encourage her to do that -------The blankets are STUNNING......And I hear ETSY screaaaaaaaaaaming for good blanetiers........If I had that talent and patience? I'd be all yarned up.....

As far as your feet/legs? Why not ask a Chiropractor? And I'm going to make DF NOW make an appointment with a podiatriast after reading Esthers post about the hip and foot pain. DF had his knees done and he SHOULD be feeling better but is'n't. They said it takes tiem for the body to REALIGN from being so abused for so long - b8ut the insoles make PERFECT sense. Less hip pain? He's going! (note to self)

As far as not feeling like a Mom? I'm a been there done that survivor. Listen to the others and fill your time - with something that makes YOU feel normal. Don't sit like I did and just pine, and waste away. I was depressed, and knew it but in some sad way - I enjoyed being sad over it. I think in MY MIND? I must have fantasized that all my boys were now grown, out of the house......2 not dead, 1 not in jail....and pretended to know what it was like to have kids in college - NORMAL kids. Not the blessing I have. (sigh REALLY GOD? lol) Oh that God.....such a kidder. Yeeeeesh.

Anyway - I hope you read this, know I'm thinking about you.....(literally every night that it gets cooler) and Love you very much.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Hound dog]

Knitting is good.

I crocheted my way through some of the toughest months after losing Fred. Kept mind/hands too busy to dwell on things better left un-dwelled upon. Know what I mean??

(((hugs)))

 

[DammitJanet]

Yes crocheting is good. I have crocheted and pulled it out and then redone it over and over many times in the last couple of months. I only made one real thing. I am planning on trying to make Xmas stockings but we shall see.

 

[hearts and roses]

Just sending hugs. I too know how you feel. I crochet, I spend a lot of time on line, I read, I go for walks. For my ankle pain I do Epsom salt foot baths and wear a brace when it flares.

Try to recall what you enjoyed before kids and see if those things still interest you. Hugs

 

[Mom2oddson]

Thank you for all the wonderful love and support!

I've been thinking about Recoverings coments about a "hallway"....I've decided to look on this as an adventure!! I don't know where the hallway will lead or what door will open, but I'm up for it. And I decided not to be afraid or worried about what the future could hold. Mainly, because we've all gone through bad and ugly so if the future holds those....piece of cake! And if the future holds joy....I will be blessed.

I've decided to be very selfish this year and make Christmas all about me! What makes ME happy! None of the kids will be around and it was getting me down. And Christmas has been rough for the last 7 years - ever since mother in law started causing trouble in the family. And I LET that take away my joy. I stopped decorating my house except for a tree. I stopped doing a lot of home-made Christmas stuff except for baking. Not this year! This is the year of ME!

So, I have plans for jellies and jams. If I get to eastern Washington (if the fires don't keep me away) I will get apples and other things to preserve. I dug out my Cross-stitch stuff. I put that away all those years ago. And BOY have my eyes gotten OLD since then. But I'm having fun! I've got my patterns picked out and have started on my first ornament/decoration. I'm going to go through my knitting/crocheting patterns and see what little things I can do.

I'm actually excited about this winter. I'm sure Christmas Day will be a little rough, but I am a tough warrior mom so I will be fine. Ooohhh....I can look at recipes and come up with some really good desserts for Christmas dinner!!

husband and I are starting to talk about a couple of road trips this summer. I LOVE spending time with him. We have so much fun. We will be taking one towards Minnesota to see easy child and his girl. And then one down the west coast. (That is if easy child doesn't get engaged and decide a summer wedding is a good idea)....

I'm going to look into an appointment with the podiatrist. Thanks!