I saw my psychiatrist the other day and told her I was feeling more anxious than usual. She asked about giving me something to help and I just looked at her. I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I could not afford to be loopy from medications right now - or ever really. Besides that's my milieu - I feel like I swim in a sea of anxiety all the time and who wouldn't be? She agreed it was an appropriate reaction to all the stuff going on.
Since that appointment things have only gotten worse. My 85 yo mom was in the hospital the past two days. My sister C who lives near her called me early Monday morning to say she had called 911 because mom seemed to be having a heart attack. After 2 days they discovered that she has diastolic heart failure and needs oxygen at least at night and maybe during the day too.
My sister said she was in a lot of pain but she was able to stay at the hospital with mom anyway and would call me if things got bad with mom or with her. I haven't seen them in a month so I don't know how bad my sister is right now. She said she was running her TPN at the hospital so at least I know she's not so depressed she's not "eating" again. She's still got memory loss from the ECT series and her depression is creeping back.
Our difficult child 1 is homeless again. Got evicted from the SRO last week. It was the only place the SF social service people had been able to find that would take him. They described it as the "Wild West" of hotels. The social worker called me last week and said there was only one SRO left and it was "really, really bad" she said. Otherwise they were going to tell him he had to go back to the State LTC facility there.
I asked if they would take him back and she seemed to think they would have not choice. I asked if she knew he had been tossed out for selling marijuana to other patients, possession and for going AWOL on a regular basis. She said yes but they still had to take him. Uh huh. Maybe there's a fairy godmother too.
I won't leave difficult child 2 alone at home and he is now refusing to leave the house. So I am sentenced to house arrest myself. Which is just not doable since I take his sister to/from school and do the grocery shopping, etc. Don't know what is going to happen with that.
He refused to go to school again yesterday. Got in a fight with us last night because we said he couldn't watch TV if he didn't go to school. He got threatening and, stupid me, I had left my keys out on the table (still not used to having to put them away and I don't have any clothes with pockets so it's a pain to carry them around). So he went and took them and then locked himself in the bathroom and threatened to flush them. I could tell he was enjoying his sense of power about this so I just told him he was losing his door again and he would find it was harder to get it back this time. Then I walked away.
Eventually he came out and wandered around taunting me and then went in his room and hid them. I asked him to give them back and he said no. He was clearly enjoying his sense of power. He said he could see I was getting upset and I said he had no idea how I felt. I told him that actually I was feeling really sad because he was screwing up big time by playing stupid games and refusing to go to school. Then I left. After a few minutes he came out smiling and gave them back to me as if he was being gracious. I didn't say a word.
This morning he's growling and refusing to go to school again. I'm debating whether I'm going to go take his door off or not. When I did that 2 weeks ago he ended up in Juvie for assaulting me. If he does it again before the settlement hearing and we get wraparound in-home services he could end up with a felony conviction and juvenile hall for a long time instead of the wrap around services.
Stupid, stupid kid.
And easy child/difficult child 3 is home in bed with her ears, throat and head hurting. She appears to be working on a sinus infection. Yea.
Let's see. Oh yes, the rheumatologist says I just have Osteoarthritis but is fine with keeping me on Plaquenil since it does seem to be helping a bit. He's referred me to orthotics for custom hand braces since my thumb joints are so bad. And my mid-foot joints are a mess - blazing bright on the bone scan. So that would explain why some days I can barely walk. Turned 55 on 3/11 and my body is already old.
The sleep specialist was a bright spot in my week last week. My sleep apnea qualifies as "severe" but at least they can treat that with a CPAP machine. So I get to wear a mask on my face all night and try to sleep feeling like I'm being smothered. I expect I will get used to it. Eventually.
Waiting for the CPA to decide how she's going to do our tax returns. The IRS in it's wisdom declared late last year that all Registered Domestic Partners in community property states (CA and WA I think) have to file their federal returns using community property rules for all community property income. Effective for 2010 but they didn't even issue the rules on doing it until 2/18/11.
That just destroys our previous tax planning strategy which allowed us to pay zero federal taxes because our medical and home interest deductions are so high plus we have kids. She's running the numbers. It took me 4 days to prepare all the documentation for her since I had to break out the 400+ individual medical expenses into which of the 4 of us the expense was for and how the bill was paid.
And so far the IRS, according to our newly hired CPA, is either questioning or auditing every one of these returns that is submitted. That is why I am not doing our taxes this year and that brings me to the last little issues.
Don't know how we are going to pay all our bills in April. The property taxes alone would be tough. If we have to come up with money for taxes too - I may have to ask my mom for a loan.
And with every new medication I add I risk a weird reaction cause that's how my body works.
So no thanks. Not going to try anything for the anxiety. Will just have to live through it.
Sorry for the long whine. Even my therapist gets a big overwhelmed by it all.
P
Since that appointment things have only gotten worse. My 85 yo mom was in the hospital the past two days. My sister C who lives near her called me early Monday morning to say she had called 911 because mom seemed to be having a heart attack. After 2 days they discovered that she has diastolic heart failure and needs oxygen at least at night and maybe during the day too.
My sister said she was in a lot of pain but she was able to stay at the hospital with mom anyway and would call me if things got bad with mom or with her. I haven't seen them in a month so I don't know how bad my sister is right now. She said she was running her TPN at the hospital so at least I know she's not so depressed she's not "eating" again. She's still got memory loss from the ECT series and her depression is creeping back.
Our difficult child 1 is homeless again. Got evicted from the SRO last week. It was the only place the SF social service people had been able to find that would take him. They described it as the "Wild West" of hotels. The social worker called me last week and said there was only one SRO left and it was "really, really bad" she said. Otherwise they were going to tell him he had to go back to the State LTC facility there.
I asked if they would take him back and she seemed to think they would have not choice. I asked if she knew he had been tossed out for selling marijuana to other patients, possession and for going AWOL on a regular basis. She said yes but they still had to take him. Uh huh. Maybe there's a fairy godmother too.
I won't leave difficult child 2 alone at home and he is now refusing to leave the house. So I am sentenced to house arrest myself. Which is just not doable since I take his sister to/from school and do the grocery shopping, etc. Don't know what is going to happen with that.
He refused to go to school again yesterday. Got in a fight with us last night because we said he couldn't watch TV if he didn't go to school. He got threatening and, stupid me, I had left my keys out on the table (still not used to having to put them away and I don't have any clothes with pockets so it's a pain to carry them around). So he went and took them and then locked himself in the bathroom and threatened to flush them. I could tell he was enjoying his sense of power about this so I just told him he was losing his door again and he would find it was harder to get it back this time. Then I walked away.
Eventually he came out and wandered around taunting me and then went in his room and hid them. I asked him to give them back and he said no. He was clearly enjoying his sense of power. He said he could see I was getting upset and I said he had no idea how I felt. I told him that actually I was feeling really sad because he was screwing up big time by playing stupid games and refusing to go to school. Then I left. After a few minutes he came out smiling and gave them back to me as if he was being gracious. I didn't say a word.
This morning he's growling and refusing to go to school again. I'm debating whether I'm going to go take his door off or not. When I did that 2 weeks ago he ended up in Juvie for assaulting me. If he does it again before the settlement hearing and we get wraparound in-home services he could end up with a felony conviction and juvenile hall for a long time instead of the wrap around services.
Stupid, stupid kid.
And easy child/difficult child 3 is home in bed with her ears, throat and head hurting. She appears to be working on a sinus infection. Yea.
Let's see. Oh yes, the rheumatologist says I just have Osteoarthritis but is fine with keeping me on Plaquenil since it does seem to be helping a bit. He's referred me to orthotics for custom hand braces since my thumb joints are so bad. And my mid-foot joints are a mess - blazing bright on the bone scan. So that would explain why some days I can barely walk. Turned 55 on 3/11 and my body is already old.
The sleep specialist was a bright spot in my week last week. My sleep apnea qualifies as "severe" but at least they can treat that with a CPAP machine. So I get to wear a mask on my face all night and try to sleep feeling like I'm being smothered. I expect I will get used to it. Eventually.
Waiting for the CPA to decide how she's going to do our tax returns. The IRS in it's wisdom declared late last year that all Registered Domestic Partners in community property states (CA and WA I think) have to file their federal returns using community property rules for all community property income. Effective for 2010 but they didn't even issue the rules on doing it until 2/18/11.
That just destroys our previous tax planning strategy which allowed us to pay zero federal taxes because our medical and home interest deductions are so high plus we have kids. She's running the numbers. It took me 4 days to prepare all the documentation for her since I had to break out the 400+ individual medical expenses into which of the 4 of us the expense was for and how the bill was paid.
And so far the IRS, according to our newly hired CPA, is either questioning or auditing every one of these returns that is submitted. That is why I am not doing our taxes this year and that brings me to the last little issues.
Don't know how we are going to pay all our bills in April. The property taxes alone would be tough. If we have to come up with money for taxes too - I may have to ask my mom for a loan.
And with every new medication I add I risk a weird reaction cause that's how my body works.
So no thanks. Not going to try anything for the anxiety. Will just have to live through it.
Sorry for the long whine. Even my therapist gets a big overwhelmed by it all.
P
