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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620351" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>D&C, </p><p></p><p>The trail of destruction--room/car/problems--our difficult children create and leave in their own wake is the physical evidence of what is really going on in their lives and how deep and profound it all is. Most people who live "normal" lives have some sort of order about those lives. </p><p></p><p>Like "you are what you eat," it's "you are how you appear to be."</p><p></p><p>I don't want to live around that type of physical destruction in my house and where I have to see it every single day, as part of a person's life who I love. </p><p></p><p>Today, I don't want to put myself through that because I care as much about myself as I do about my difficult child. For years and years, he was #1, way, way ahead of my own self. He's my son, and I would do anything for him.</p><p></p><p>For a while, as I started to detach, stop enabling and work on myself, I said: I care more now about myself than I do him.</p><p></p><p>That didn't feel right when I wrote it. I now have changed it to: I care as much about myself as I do him. </p><p></p><p>I am learning what I need in order to live a sane life. </p><p></p><p>I need order, quiet, a safe place to be (my own home), not to be too rushed and overworked, enough rest, regular exercise, tools to help me every day (Al-Anon, writing, this board, reading recovery literature and books, etc.), my SO, my friends, time away sometimes, etc. </p><p></p><p>Even though I love my son very much, I can't live in the house with active addiction. </p><p></p><p>What you describe sounds like h___. You should not have to live that way. </p><p></p><p>If you are ready, can you set a date for your daughter to leave, give her plenty of notice, and stick to it? </p><p></p><p>You should not have to live in a war zone. You have dealt with this for a long time, and it sounds like it is completely off the rails. </p><p></p><p>We teach people how to treat us. We teach them by not saying: "No more." </p><p></p><p>I am sure you are very upset about your daughter's mental illness and substance abuse problems. It will be very hard to set boundaries and stick to them. You will likely make a lot of mistakes. That is okay. </p><p></p><p>We are all doing the best we can do at this moment. We can only do what we can tolerate and live with.</p><p></p><p>Today, my 24 yo son is somewhere. I don't know where he is. </p><p></p><p>He got out of jail last night. He came to my house in the middle of the night, picked up provisions I left on the front porch and I haven't heard from him by phone or in person. I purposely was not here last night. </p><p></p><p>He recently said he didn't have a problem and doesn't need rehab. That is not good to hear, because his life is in ruins. </p><p></p><p>I know he won't turn things around---if he ever does---by my providing a safe place for him to land. And I am not going to live with that in my home. </p><p></p><p>I must stay out of the way to give God a chance to help him. To give him a chance to turn to God. I just can't fix things for him anymore.</p><p></p><p>This is sad to come to this place on the road. It feels like a dead end. I am at an end. I am done. </p><p></p><p>If he starts on a better path, and stays on that path sincerely, I---and many others---will come alongside him and support him. We will not do it for him. We will realize that relapse is part of the journey. His life will likely never go forward in a straight line---I have had to get my mind around that. </p><p></p><p>We have to ask ourselves: Am I doing something for my adult child that he should be doing for himself?</p><p></p><p>If the answer is yes, we are enabling.</p><p></p><p>I pray that you can get some peace in your home again. This is so hard, to do what we must do---for ourselves and for our precious kids, but we can find the strength, courage and will to do it, through hard work. </p><p></p><p>Blessings and peace to you tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620351, member: 17542"] D&C, The trail of destruction--room/car/problems--our difficult children create and leave in their own wake is the physical evidence of what is really going on in their lives and how deep and profound it all is. Most people who live "normal" lives have some sort of order about those lives. Like "you are what you eat," it's "you are how you appear to be." I don't want to live around that type of physical destruction in my house and where I have to see it every single day, as part of a person's life who I love. Today, I don't want to put myself through that because I care as much about myself as I do about my difficult child. For years and years, he was #1, way, way ahead of my own self. He's my son, and I would do anything for him. For a while, as I started to detach, stop enabling and work on myself, I said: I care more now about myself than I do him. That didn't feel right when I wrote it. I now have changed it to: I care as much about myself as I do him. I am learning what I need in order to live a sane life. I need order, quiet, a safe place to be (my own home), not to be too rushed and overworked, enough rest, regular exercise, tools to help me every day (Al-Anon, writing, this board, reading recovery literature and books, etc.), my SO, my friends, time away sometimes, etc. Even though I love my son very much, I can't live in the house with active addiction. What you describe sounds like h___. You should not have to live that way. If you are ready, can you set a date for your daughter to leave, give her plenty of notice, and stick to it? You should not have to live in a war zone. You have dealt with this for a long time, and it sounds like it is completely off the rails. We teach people how to treat us. We teach them by not saying: "No more." I am sure you are very upset about your daughter's mental illness and substance abuse problems. It will be very hard to set boundaries and stick to them. You will likely make a lot of mistakes. That is okay. We are all doing the best we can do at this moment. We can only do what we can tolerate and live with. Today, my 24 yo son is somewhere. I don't know where he is. He got out of jail last night. He came to my house in the middle of the night, picked up provisions I left on the front porch and I haven't heard from him by phone or in person. I purposely was not here last night. He recently said he didn't have a problem and doesn't need rehab. That is not good to hear, because his life is in ruins. I know he won't turn things around---if he ever does---by my providing a safe place for him to land. And I am not going to live with that in my home. I must stay out of the way to give God a chance to help him. To give him a chance to turn to God. I just can't fix things for him anymore. This is sad to come to this place on the road. It feels like a dead end. I am at an end. I am done. If he starts on a better path, and stays on that path sincerely, I---and many others---will come alongside him and support him. We will not do it for him. We will realize that relapse is part of the journey. His life will likely never go forward in a straight line---I have had to get my mind around that. We have to ask ourselves: Am I doing something for my adult child that he should be doing for himself? If the answer is yes, we are enabling. I pray that you can get some peace in your home again. This is so hard, to do what we must do---for ourselves and for our precious kids, but we can find the strength, courage and will to do it, through hard work. Blessings and peace to you tonight. [/QUOTE]
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