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<blockquote data-quote="DazedandConfused" data-source="post: 620434" data-attributes="member: 831"><p>I would never condemn anyone who has decided that they needed to leave their difficult children or their home behind to find some peace. I can't count high enough the number of times I simply wanted to runaway, disappear, and change my identity because the stress of it all weighed so heavily on me. However, they will be the ones who will be leaving. My job is here and my retired mother lives right up the street. I'll be here until she passes. Frankly, I think it is unavoidable that the difficult children leave our city for better opportunities.</p><p></p><p>Daughter and I managed to have a conversation (sort of) last night. I did have to threaten with removal of the car, though. The whole time she was whining about being tired and wanting to go back into her room. She was hostile and then she said, "You are always threatening me with taking the car and not allowing me to live here (which is true), if you are going to take the car or throw me out JUST DO IT!" I. agreed with her and said, "Okay, you got it"</p><p></p><p>She expressed a lot of regret over where she is now. Dropping out of college when she was doing pretty good to party and be a druggie. She said she is "different" from the rest of the family and always has been. I asked her exactly how she is different, but other than being gay, she had no answer. Actually, living with her is a lot like living with my now deceased father, another Borderline (BPD) with some sociopath thrown in for good measure. She kept saying how she just can't talk to me. I responded that I'm here and listening, to which she then said, "I choose not to talk to you." I think the girl is so troubled that she simply has to get professional help to unravel it all. A manipulation, MWM? I think some of it is, and some of it not. She does push me away.</p><p></p><p>She did start to become rude and curse, which she knows I hate and have requested numerous times for her not to speak to me in such a manner, so I said, "Okay, now hand me the car keys. You said for me to stop threatening, so hand them over." I could then see the regret of telling me to stop threatening her. I'm caught in such a vicious cycle with her. Bottom line, she must get help. She says she moving out in September. I'm dubious. It may be before then, if she doesn't get help.</p><p></p><p>Then, there's Son. He wasn't home when I was on the merry-go-round with Daughter. He came home and ignored me. Finally, I told him he owed me an apology. He responded with, "What?! What did I do?" From there, is was all aboard the crazy train. I calmly explained his transgression against me and he flipped out. He went on and on. I can't even explain it all other than I wanted to take a sledge hammer to my head. He simply doesn't view me as a human, I'm an object. I get that isn't unusual for a child not to be able to relate a parent as someone who has feelings and hurt. A complete refusal to accept responsibility for his actions and even acknowledgement that how he acts is unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>Then, this is where I finally broke down. I went in my room and just began to sob. I rarely do this because I like to keep my thinking straight and because I have dealt with so many crisis with them, I've learned to push it aside to deal with the problem at hand. He decides to call his Dad to confirm with him that I have no right to ask about his "private life". Of course, I know that husband is going isn't going to confirm that. What got to me was the lengths Son will go to go hurt me or try and "prove" I'm</p><p>over-stepping my bounds or that I'm "wrong" or that I'm a bad person.</p><p></p><p>Then, he continues on to tell me how the parents of his friends are "chill" people and that they don't act like me. Of course, he doesn't reveal his dark side to them.</p><p></p><p>After that, I again warned him that if this type of behavior continues, he will not live in this house past the age of 18. His response was to tell me that I am "all bark and no bite" (Which isn't true. His cell has been turned off for over 6 months now because his behavior). Then, he tells me to throw him out now. To which I explained that he's still a minor and if he does something stupid, I don't want to have any responsibility. I don't tell him so much as a threat, but as a warning of things to come so that he'll straighten up. I know, how's that working for me, eh??</p><p></p><p>Later that night, when I was pretty much brain-dead in my recliner, he comes up to me and asks me if I would like to hear what he wrote in a card to his grandmother (My mother). She's feeling sad because it was Valentine's Day the day before and she lost her husband to a sudden heart attack in 2006. He wrote her this lovely letter which included that "I love you more than anyone in the entire family. You are always so good to me." Of course, if he even dared to act towards her as he does to me, she would throw him out of her house in a heartbeat. In fact, she has in the past went he revealed his ugly side to her. If I were to tell her what happened the night before, she probably wouldn't speak to him for at least a week. I'm glad he's close to her. She helps out A LOT with him. I can't imagine what I would do without her help with him. Sometimes, just to give me a break or have him stay with her when there's that rare occasion when husband and I go out of town. Yet, it does burn that he would say those sweet things to her when I have fought so hard for him his whole darn life.</p><p></p><p>This morning, he came into my room and told me "Good Morning" in a gentle voice. Then asked if I was still mad at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I was confused as to why he makes it such a point to hurt me. He got defensive and said he wasn't trying to hurt me. Of course, once again I found myself slamming my head against the wall trying to get him to comprehend how his actions impact me.</p><p></p><p>The subject of him moving out at 18 came up again. He also expressed how sad he was because we are not close. I looked him straight in the eye and told him calmly that as long as he acted like he does towards me, we will never be close. He thought about it for a minute, and then started up again about how sad it is. When I pressed him to take ownership of his behavior, he balked and then just said, "I'm out of here.". Then, he went on about how I never give him any money. Which is mostly true. Sometimes I will give him a buck or two. Plus, I pay for his bus pass, but if he wants pocket money, he has to earn it.</p><p></p><p>I do have rules in my house. Please know that I don't just let my difficult children run wild. However, I'm gone most of the time working and I come home exhausted. I just don't have the energy to fight.</p><p></p><p>MWM,</p><p></p><p>You are right, being assaulted isn't an excuse to behave the way she does. I don't want to go into details, but it was more than one male and she had no sexual experience. She didn't tell me because she says she didn't realize what it was at the time. But, does that mean I should enable her behavior? Of course not. I am her mother and if I have some resources that could help her, I am going to offer them to her. Yet, she has to take responsibility for her healing. Did the assault "make" her a lesbian? I don't know, and I don't care. She was one of many very awful things that girl went through despite my best efforts. I tried to help her. But, once I offer the therapy, that's it. She has to follow through.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all for your responses and observations. I'm deeply grateful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DazedandConfused, post: 620434, member: 831"] I would never condemn anyone who has decided that they needed to leave their difficult children or their home behind to find some peace. I can't count high enough the number of times I simply wanted to runaway, disappear, and change my identity because the stress of it all weighed so heavily on me. However, they will be the ones who will be leaving. My job is here and my retired mother lives right up the street. I'll be here until she passes. Frankly, I think it is unavoidable that the difficult children leave our city for better opportunities. Daughter and I managed to have a conversation (sort of) last night. I did have to threaten with removal of the car, though. The whole time she was whining about being tired and wanting to go back into her room. She was hostile and then she said, "You are always threatening me with taking the car and not allowing me to live here (which is true), if you are going to take the car or throw me out JUST DO IT!" I. agreed with her and said, "Okay, you got it" She expressed a lot of regret over where she is now. Dropping out of college when she was doing pretty good to party and be a druggie. She said she is "different" from the rest of the family and always has been. I asked her exactly how she is different, but other than being gay, she had no answer. Actually, living with her is a lot like living with my now deceased father, another Borderline (BPD) with some sociopath thrown in for good measure. She kept saying how she just can't talk to me. I responded that I'm here and listening, to which she then said, "I choose not to talk to you." I think the girl is so troubled that she simply has to get professional help to unravel it all. A manipulation, MWM? I think some of it is, and some of it not. She does push me away. She did start to become rude and curse, which she knows I hate and have requested numerous times for her not to speak to me in such a manner, so I said, "Okay, now hand me the car keys. You said for me to stop threatening, so hand them over." I could then see the regret of telling me to stop threatening her. I'm caught in such a vicious cycle with her. Bottom line, she must get help. She says she moving out in September. I'm dubious. It may be before then, if she doesn't get help. Then, there's Son. He wasn't home when I was on the merry-go-round with Daughter. He came home and ignored me. Finally, I told him he owed me an apology. He responded with, "What?! What did I do?" From there, is was all aboard the crazy train. I calmly explained his transgression against me and he flipped out. He went on and on. I can't even explain it all other than I wanted to take a sledge hammer to my head. He simply doesn't view me as a human, I'm an object. I get that isn't unusual for a child not to be able to relate a parent as someone who has feelings and hurt. A complete refusal to accept responsibility for his actions and even acknowledgement that how he acts is unacceptable. Then, this is where I finally broke down. I went in my room and just began to sob. I rarely do this because I like to keep my thinking straight and because I have dealt with so many crisis with them, I've learned to push it aside to deal with the problem at hand. He decides to call his Dad to confirm with him that I have no right to ask about his "private life". Of course, I know that husband is going isn't going to confirm that. What got to me was the lengths Son will go to go hurt me or try and "prove" I'm over-stepping my bounds or that I'm "wrong" or that I'm a bad person. Then, he continues on to tell me how the parents of his friends are "chill" people and that they don't act like me. Of course, he doesn't reveal his dark side to them. After that, I again warned him that if this type of behavior continues, he will not live in this house past the age of 18. His response was to tell me that I am "all bark and no bite" (Which isn't true. His cell has been turned off for over 6 months now because his behavior). Then, he tells me to throw him out now. To which I explained that he's still a minor and if he does something stupid, I don't want to have any responsibility. I don't tell him so much as a threat, but as a warning of things to come so that he'll straighten up. I know, how's that working for me, eh?? Later that night, when I was pretty much brain-dead in my recliner, he comes up to me and asks me if I would like to hear what he wrote in a card to his grandmother (My mother). She's feeling sad because it was Valentine's Day the day before and she lost her husband to a sudden heart attack in 2006. He wrote her this lovely letter which included that "I love you more than anyone in the entire family. You are always so good to me." Of course, if he even dared to act towards her as he does to me, she would throw him out of her house in a heartbeat. In fact, she has in the past went he revealed his ugly side to her. If I were to tell her what happened the night before, she probably wouldn't speak to him for at least a week. I'm glad he's close to her. She helps out A LOT with him. I can't imagine what I would do without her help with him. Sometimes, just to give me a break or have him stay with her when there's that rare occasion when husband and I go out of town. Yet, it does burn that he would say those sweet things to her when I have fought so hard for him his whole darn life. This morning, he came into my room and told me "Good Morning" in a gentle voice. Then asked if I was still mad at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I was confused as to why he makes it such a point to hurt me. He got defensive and said he wasn't trying to hurt me. Of course, once again I found myself slamming my head against the wall trying to get him to comprehend how his actions impact me. The subject of him moving out at 18 came up again. He also expressed how sad he was because we are not close. I looked him straight in the eye and told him calmly that as long as he acted like he does towards me, we will never be close. He thought about it for a minute, and then started up again about how sad it is. When I pressed him to take ownership of his behavior, he balked and then just said, "I'm out of here.". Then, he went on about how I never give him any money. Which is mostly true. Sometimes I will give him a buck or two. Plus, I pay for his bus pass, but if he wants pocket money, he has to earn it. I do have rules in my house. Please know that I don't just let my difficult children run wild. However, I'm gone most of the time working and I come home exhausted. I just don't have the energy to fight. MWM, You are right, being assaulted isn't an excuse to behave the way she does. I don't want to go into details, but it was more than one male and she had no sexual experience. She didn't tell me because she says she didn't realize what it was at the time. But, does that mean I should enable her behavior? Of course not. I am her mother and if I have some resources that could help her, I am going to offer them to her. Yet, she has to take responsibility for her healing. Did the assault "make" her a lesbian? I don't know, and I don't care. She was one of many very awful things that girl went through despite my best efforts. I tried to help her. But, once I offer the therapy, that's it. She has to follow through. Thank you all for your responses and observations. I'm deeply grateful. [/QUOTE]
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