my sister talks about my accident

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    'Last week Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) sis was in a very bad accident. My dad contacted me, it is serious. I feel terrible this happened. I don't want anything to happen to her. My dad begged me to reach out to her family. My dad is older so I did. I sent my sister a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a nice card. I texted her daughter. I got no acknowledgement at all. This does not surprise me. The accident doesn't change what she has done to me and my family. I am so conflicted. On one hand i feel awful for her accident. On the other she has said and done horrible things to me my whole life. My therapist validated my feelings. Just wondering if any others have been through this? Thanks.'

    idiot, i was incoherant for three weeks after accident, i didnt know about the flpwers and i got many, it was not a fami[y priority when i became semi lucid to teii me who sent flpwers and to make sure thank you notes were sent, i have two broken arms ans a broken collarbone and a traumatic head injury, she texted my distraught daughter for info and my daughter didnt answer her, good, she doesnt care,

    i reamed my dad out for pressuring her to send anything, i am not going to be talking to foo wile i heal even dad, i have far to go to heal still, he needs to stay out of it, he doesnt get how deep sis hurt me and how i am done with her, tm sure my dad paid for the fl0wers not that it matters,

    i did nothing to her family, she is sick, sick, mean, selfish,

    0n the plus side my family is amazing, my husband visited every day xxx,
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2015
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow, SWOT

    I am sorry you have to put up with this while you are trying to recover.

    That is the ultimate in sick behavior.

  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Awwww darn SWOT, you sure don't need that kind of stuff on top of everything you are dealing with now. Stupid is as stupid does.

    It takes a lot of energy to heal.

    Sending gentle hugs and warm wishes for your speedy recovery.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am confused...the first paragraph is your sisters response to your accident, and the rest is yours? Or vice versa? I guess I haven't been on this list for a while and just trying to figure out who is saying what...
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    First is her on a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) site. She has convinced herself I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Althoughno therapist thinks I do. But rhat doesnt stop her from saying it anyway. I ususally ignore her postings as they are invalid but my dad has tried to.make me think she really is worried about me so I checked her site. I was right. I usually am about her

    As for her saying she hopes I heal I know her well enough to know she put it in in large part because it would look bad for her not to say that. She treats me like trash and I have asked my dad nit totell her about my life.
    I was told that being stress free is importNt to healing. I did this to myself by looking. I will not allow it to get ti me again. If anyone has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) its her. But thats neither here nor there. Except sh see says I was diagnosed, a mean lie.
    I think she is jealous of my a wesome real family of choice.
    When I was asked about family once I was moved from trauma unit to rehab I was asked if I had siblings. I said no. This can not be undone. It goes too deep.
    When she texted my daughter by the way she was in icu in wisconsin with me. But she kniws my sister lies "about me and she doesnt consider her a caring famy member so she would not have answered anyway. sendung flowers to very sick people are a choice. If the person has a brsin injury it is very sekfish and unrealistic to expect family to focus on your flowers. My family was worried about me not that. What twisted thinking but thats my sister. More concerned about a thank you note than my life which was in danger.
    I cant believe the degree of her naivety and selfishness. It shocks me with each knew comment she makes.
    I am beginning to believe she is a narcissist. Its always about her.
    Vent over. I wont even talk to my dad if he keeps dribbling her information.l
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    Last edited: Oct 31, 2015
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Just something off about the motivation, here. To identify a sister we are supposedly grieving by naming her not "my sister" but a discredited mental illness is so strange a thing. It sets the tone for the rest of the post.

    I am surprised at the sister. She was so kind, in letting us know what had happened, and that you were going to be alright.

    The false notes:

    My dad contacted me, it is serious.
    I feel terrible this happened.
    My dad begged dad is I did.

    As though you didn't matter; as though what happened to you and your family was somehow seen only as it affected the sister.


    This is where the emphasis changes. The beginning sentences are defensive and are unusual in that sense, but this is where the emphasis switches entirely to the sister's "poor me". Someone has been hurt...poor me, I hardly know how to see myself in relation to my sister's injuries...and the attention she is receiving, and the way my father loves her...?


    The accident doesn't change what she has done....

    I am so conflicted.

    On the one hand I feel awful for her accident. On the other she....

    ...has said and done horrible things to me my whole life.


    There is not a particular incident the sister cannot forgive. There is a sense of wrongness, of global condemnation couched in accusatory terms. Again, a patent justification, a rationalization of feelings that cannot be justified.

    The feelings were there, first.

    Artifacts of the rigid roles required for the disbalanced, dysfunctional family of origin to operate, at all. I don't understand why the sisters cannot let go of them, now. I do know that they choose not to. They are adult. They are aware. They are responsible for their feelings and actions, just as we are.

    No more free ride, for the sisters.

    My therapist validated my feelings.

    Sister does not say which are the feelings the therapist validated. Those of someone whose sister has been hurt in an accident and who is confronting fear of her own and her sister's mortality, or those of someone looking to justify inappropriate feelings for a sister who has been in a terrible accident, and for a father who confesses his love of the injured sister and requires that the uninjured sister behave in an acceptable way.

    Serenity, this is not about the sister. You are here with us, now. The accident happened, it is past.

    You survived.

    You are healing.

    Everything takes time; so much of it is painful.

    I would be so angry too, to have been betrayed by having been treated one way to my face and another, in the sister's private thoughts. I am so sorry she did that, Serenity. I don't know why they do these things. What I do know is that we can see the sisters' motivations through their actions. Once we do, then we know where we are. That they say or see in a particular way does not make it true.

    That your sister seems invested in defining you by naming you with a discredited mental illness says more about the sister than it does, about you.

    I am sorry she is doing that, Serenity, but it cannot matter. The other side of this is that you did cheat, Serenity. I understand that you needed to know whether sister had changed, or whether the caring facade was a masquerade. You knew Serenity, when you decided to check her site, that what you found there might hurt you.

    It did.

    That is the cost of knowing, sometimes.


    But you did need to know.

    Now, you do.


    Your sister was kind to us when we worried and wondered where you had gone and whether you were okay, Serenity. It meant a great deal to us that she did that for us ~ that she told us you'd been hurt, but that your recovery was coming along just fine and that you would be back with us, soon.

    That was a decent thing for the sister to do.

    What we want you to do for this time Serenity is to concentrate on your healing. The truth is that the sisters do love us, just as we love them. Each of us has been marked by circumstances over which we had no control. We were little kids, just little girls (or, little boys) who made what sense of the world we could. I don't know why the sisters need to feel we are less than in order for them to feel they are alright. I think it is all wound up in the pseudo mom thing, and in hating us because they could not hate the mother without confronting their own mortality and blah, blah, blah. You know already how I think that complexity of circles moves. Whatever it is that is happening here, I do know that each of the sisters seems to need to hold the same kinds of beliefs to achieve some internal balance.

    They do seem to need to focus on, almost to stalk us, and to measure themselves against us in particular. I don't know why.

    It has nothing to do with us, Serenity.

    The sisters are trapped in it as surely as we are. The difference is that we are having a look at the patterns and ferreting out how to heal ourselves so we can go on from here as better, stronger people. The sisters are going to see the things they need to see to keep that same feeling of okayness they grew up in. That feels right to them. I think a piece of that is that, if we are not bad or wrong, then they are. In order to ally with the mother, any relationship to us was sacrificed. In all three of our cases, the mothers have seen to it to the degree they were able to that the siblings would never come together.

    I don't know why.

    But I do know that dynamic is in there, somewhere.

    The things the sisters do, the ways the sisters seem to feel about us, are too similar.

    It is a sad, hard thing, to know this. But it is better to know.

    You have us, and we have one another, and somehow, we will make it through this.

    Everything is going to be just fine, Serenity.

    I am so glad you are home. It must feel wonderful to be in your own bed with your husband beside you.


    How did your little guys (your little dogs) take your homecoming? I'm thinking they are ecstatic; you have been gone from them for so long.

    Buddha Baby still has her grandmother. Oh, how fortunate you are in this, Serenity. So many blessings, for you.

    We are so pleased you are back. We have missed you ~ not just here on FOO Chronicles. The Board has not been the same without you.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks Cedar, sister gave you unkn0wledgeable info about my injuries because she didnt know, im sure husband told my elderly father watered down info, she seems to th[nk it is a little boo boo that will heal. it will take a long time and i have Occupational Therapist (OT),pt, nurses, even a bath aid coming every week, i resent her interference, it was to seem caring, but she really is mean and coldhearted She did not know i had brain surgery, half my hair is shaved,,,lol, new hair style, i have stitches on my head,
    cedar i dont love her, i cant, maybe that is appalling to others, but its true, she didnt even buy the flowers, my dad did, he admitted it, she is not a good person and im done with her,
    i did nothing to her husband and barely knew her kids, she broke up her own family then picked a truly abusive boyfriend, she is still with him, i did nothing to ruin her life, her therapist is easily fooled or a young counselor with minimal training,,,even though it doesnt matter,
    my mother abused me, over and over, all her life,
    by the way where is dear copa/
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2015
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Copa is being Germany. She is being efficient, and is not in bed anymore. One of the things she agreed to was not to be online so much. So, we decided that, since she agreed to that, she should abide by it for the sake of her own integrity as she heals.

    Copa is doing so well, Serenity.


    Regarding loving the sisters...I don't love my sister either, in the way that I did. But the way that I did love her had to do with hope, and not with what was real, not with what was really happening, with what she was really doing, at all.

    I think you see your sister clearly. Too clearly to tempt yourself with hope.

    And you are correct to do so.

    I would need to do the same, were my sister zeroing in on me. For right now, my sister has everything she thinks she needs. I have heard nothing from her since June. I don't anticipate hearing from her until she needs to begin playing me, again.

    That isn't very nice of me to say.

    But it is what I see.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    copa, you go but miss u
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    cedar i dont hope for sister, nothing left between us but her fake caring for dads sake, she wants dads inheritance so if he says jump she does, she needs his money
  11. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I agree Cedar.

    The sister's post is all 'poor little me'.

    It's classic Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) interpretation of a situation.
  12. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Swot - Many years ago I was seriously ill. The hospital needed to know if I'd been vaccinated against a particular illness as a child. My husband (the previous one) obviously didn't know. He phoned my mother to ask her.

    The whole crisis then became about her, not me. She made a huge fuss about how insensitive and inconsiderate he'd been to phone her and how she'd then had to spend the evening hunting for the information and worrying.

    She told all the neighbours about what a terrible time she'd had.

    She didn't bother visiting me.

    Classic Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

    My mother's off her head, always has been.

    by the way I broke my left shoulder and right elbow a few years ago from a fall. Extremely painful.

    Get well soon. x
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    SWOT, first I just want to say how thankful I am that you survived. Your accident sounds so scary!! I can't even imagine two broken arms and a collar bone. I would imagine you had scrapes, bumps and lots of bruising as well.

    As for your sister, nothing says narcissism like someone expecting a "thank you" for flowers sent while you are in ICU. You do not need her negative energy while you are healing.

    I'm sending you all my positive energy!!

  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for seeing this. To her, it is about her and the flowers. it did not occur to her that i and my family may have been too incapacitated or distraught not to worry about her flowers. it is a dinner party to her and she was offended that the host didnt teii her how good her casserole dish is, she does not have the capacity to think outside the box.

    if i had gotten her daughters private cell ph0ne number for any reason and used it she would have been livid. my accident was none of her business. if not for my dads pushing plus his money she would have ignored it. she has not stopped obsessing about me yet she is not a part of my family to me,

    i never saw most of the sincere FLOWERS I GOT. I WAS NOT WITH IT FOR THREE WEEKS after the accident. what did she think a serious accident just wake up and admire your room? I DID NOT KNOW WHO MY HUSBAND WAS LET ALONE ADMIRE FLOWERS AND MY FAMILY WAS AT THE ICU WITH ME, NOT COUNTING MY FLOWERS.



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    Last edited: Oct 31, 2015
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Serenity, I was thrilled to see your name come up in "what's up?"
    Yes. I am claiming my inner Germany now. Or at least I am in training with Andrea Merkel. Cedar told me I was Germany. I realized, I am. Or will soon be.

    I was grateful that your sister told us what happened. We went through every possible scenario. When, finally, I decided you must have decided in your therapy to stop posting. I did not want to accept that something had happened to you. She told us. I was grateful. She acted appropriate.

    She is such a strange duck. She said the right things, that only your recovering mattered. It was as if she had raced to your side. I believed she was showering you with love. I should have known. It was a manipulation. I am sorry, Serenity. She acted just as we would have expected. I am sorry she is hurting you again. It is despicable that she would do so under the circumstances. She is being herself. Unfortunately. She had a chance, an opportunity, to change. Instead she doubled up.

    She does not matter. You and your family matter. A lot.

    We missed you and worried so much. I am so grateful you are OK. Your poor husband must have been besides himself. And the kids.

    Serenity, your sister does not matter. End of story.

    I am seeing your thread about Bart and Junior. I will go there now.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My sister always knows the right things to say but does not back them up with actions. she is fake.

    i love your inner germany lol. so glad to see you.
  17. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    sorry... I'm really confused... is this a private joke that I'm not in on?
  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Copa had been posting about her sister, nlj. About the wrongnesses in the way everything turned out and how we feel about that. Copa came to balance around the thought that the sister was Germany and that Copa was Argentina (and Borges and Tango).

    Then, Copa decided to reclaim her Germany.

    Copa this is amazing work you are doing.

    Me, too.

  19. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am very glad that you are okay, SWOT. Just focus on yourself and healing. No negative thoughts allowed.

    I am sorry to hear about the brain surgery. You will get better day by day. Get lots of sleep and eat well.

    I had brain surgery in 2007 to remove a benign tumor. I had a very interesting 'haircut' as well. I found several very lose fitting knit capss that did not rest on my stiches. It is getting you will not be notiiced.The stitches hurt mostly at night when I lied down. I guess the skin was stretched. It hurt to laugh or sneeze as well. Follow your doctors' orders if they told you to keep your head elevated.

    Once your hair starts to grow a bit, try a 'Trump' like comb over to hide the stitches and stubble. Buy pretty barrettes and place one strategically where it holds your hair in place to hide your scar, but that it is not touching your sensitive stiches.

    Please take good care of yourself. Do not let negative thoughts zap your precious energy. YOU need to just focus on YOU to heal.

    You are in my prayers.
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  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member