My son is a jerk

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

I am strong, i am ok, i wont let difficult child ruin my life!! But i a ticked.He is such a jerk.

So we picked him up about 1230 after calling him to wake him up. I did meet the manager of the place who i liked. Before difficult child was there i asked him how difficult child was doing and he said he could be doing more to get a job...there are jobs in the area...and also they do have community service he can do.

We also talked to another guy that actually difficult child knew at the tbs he was at in hs. He has been there on and off since may. He said they saved his life and it is the best of the recovery comuities...he has left a couple of times, relapsed and come back.

So we took difficult child to sears to use his gift card from xmas. Then he was going to show us where he stayed.
on the beach for a week. Then we were going to have an early dinner before coing to the airport. So as we were in traffic to the beach he asked if he could skip dinner. I was obviously disappointed but i am not going to force him. Then he was getting ticked off about the traffic to the beach. Ok fine. I made a comment how i would like to have dinner and he lit into me about how i was ticking
him off. I shut up and quietly cried.

We got back and he hugged me and said it was good to see me. If felt insincere and like bs.

Needless to say i didnt talk to him about anything.

He really is not doing much to help himself. He is mad about the curfews etc.
and has decided he wont get a job until he is off the 630 curfew. That makes no sense. My feeling is he wont get a job as long as he can get by without one...so we are cutting his grocery money starting this week. We will cut it further in 2 weeks. He doesnt know that because we did not have a chance to talk
about it husband will text him about it tomorrow.

I am keeping quiet for now. I will wait until he gets in contact. I am hurt and ticked off that he could not even have dinner with us tonight.

Right now he is what they call a dry drunk and i a not happy about it.

I am not coming back for awhile. Not sure what will happen, something will change but not sure what or in what direction.

It will be good to get home...and then i leave wed to go see my dad.

TL
Sent from my iPad

 

[AnnieO]

I don't have any advice, but I'm here to listen!

...And I do know how it feels, as if you are just there for their convenience..

 

[Signorina]

I love you TL and I mean that. And you don't deserve to be treated in this manner. {{{hugs}}}

 

[buddy]

HUGS, TL! Sorry he acted that way.... He had no right. Could it possibly be that the emotion of everything finally hit him and he went back to old habits.? sounds like he has lots more work to do. Must be very hurtful. Hope you get home fast and safely and can just take some time to get away from it. Did he get the bike? I hope that he gets off his duff and uses it to get a job.

you are a kind and supportive mom. he has been one lucky dude how you stick by him.

 

[klmno]

I'm sorry it ended up that way. He is obviously having a lot of emotions and thoughts go all over the place, normal for what has gone on lately, still not easy for you. I'll just throw out my opinion, for what it's worth- I wouldn't cut his grocery money right away. Maybe wait a week then talk to him and then see what his counselor says about it. I wouldn't continue supporting him long term if he wasn't trying to get a job, but people don't change that much that fast and sometimes more punishments don't serve the purpose you want them to. How long has it been since he's been back? I'm thinking it's been about 1 week- if that's correct, I'm not sure it's sufficient to say he isn't doing good enough. JMHO.

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry, TL. As I mentioned before, our visit to our difficult child was miserable and we didn't go back the rest of the time she was in rehab. Her halfway house is a 45 minute drive away and we usually meet her once a week to buy her groceries. The nice thing is that if she is ugly to us we can leave and just go home. However, I have to say she has usually been very nice and grateful for what we do for her.

I think your difficult child is still in the very early stages of recovery. He is still mad at the world and doesn't want to face what got him to this point. Hopefully, the more time he spends in treatment the more he will stop blaming others and take ownership of why he is there.

If it helps, I couldn't stand my difficult child for a long time. Why would you like someone who curses at you, lies to you, steals from you, and acts like they hate you and that everything is your fault? I guess it is love, though, that makes it easy to forgive all of that when they start to show signs of recovery and turn into the person that you knew was inside all along.

Stay strong.

~Kathy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Big hugs. I am so, so sorry. :-(

 

[Nancy]

I love you too TL and you don't deserve that.

I would back off, make no contact and go on wth your life. It's up to him now. It doesn't sound good and I can't even say he's in recovery at this point even though he isn't using currently.

I am so sorry.

(((((HUGS)))))
Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

Back home. Phew. Cold but home. I finished "Addict in the family" on the way home and I agree it is a really good book. I will probably download her next book tomorrow. Are you finding that book as helpful Nancy?

Anyway it helped me calm down some, and it gave me some perspective. I could see how some of my comments this weekend would be taken by him as critisism and nagging. I think my lack of faith in him probably shows. Not that that excuses anything but it made me empathize with him a bit more. Made me also think about the timing about reducing his grocery money. I still feel we should do that but I think we will wait a week to do it.... just so it doesn't feel like a critisism or punishment. I think my first reaction was to do it as a method of control... to force him to get a job, which to tell you the truth I still want to do. lol.... but reality is I cant force him to do anything. The book is a great remdinder that I can't fix him.

And then I think I just need to back way off.... he really does have to find his own way to recovery. I liked wat the bookk said about recovery... which is a spirtual inner change where as abstinence is not using. So he is abstinent but not in recovery at the moment. I really think the only reason he is abstinent right now is because he is being drug tested every other day and they send it to a lab so it is harder to fake. And he knows if he doesn't stay there he has no other place to go. But the book did give me hope that any help he is getting he will learn something and may make a difference later.

But for now I just have to detach with love as much as I can and go on with my life. I am leaving on Wed to go visit my Dad with my brother.... my dad is 94 and getting very frail so I will have to focus on him rather than difficult child.

Thank you all for your love and support. It makes a huge difference and the first thing I did when I got home was read the board.

TL

 

[pinevalley]

TL,

I'm amazed that you are able to even think clearly after all you had to deal with this week-end with your difficult child! I'm sorry that your difficult child treated you so badly, because you have always been there for him and have supported him through everything. It is probably a good thing that you are going away on Wednesday, because this will take your mind off of the constant crisis with your difficult child. After you worry about difficult child and take care of your father, I hope that you take some time to relax and do something special just for yourself. You deserve it! HUGS...

 

[lovemysons]

TL,
This "book" you and Nancy are speaking of sure does sound like a comfort. I do think I will need to pick it up.

I hope your visit with your dad is pleasant. You're right time to concentrate on others rather than difficult child so much this week.

Thinking of you and also thinking you are doing a GREAT job!
LMS

 

[DDD]

You're doing an outstanding job of dealing with God awful circumstances. I think we all get intertwined with our s.a. difficult child's and it takes a series of detachment baby steps to be able to cope. Your trip is coming at just the right time and I'm so glad you will be able to visit. We all will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs DDD

 

[Nancy]

TL I am finding Everything Changes very helpful. It deals more with the early recovery process and relapses and such. Like you said I'm not sure your difficult child is in recovery at this point but I definitely think you should read it. I think it will help you a lot.

My Dad is 92 and getting very frail also. He just fell over Christmas and while thank goodness he didn't break anything, he has been housebound for three weeks with his back. Enjoy your visit with him. You need the comfort of family who wants to see you right now.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

{{{hugs}}} to you... And please forgive me if I am wrong; but please hold on to your original post here and some of the anger & dismay you felt. Don't be so quick to identify yourself or the nagging as contributing to the strife. I am babbling & with-out sleep but it seems I have a bad habit having a short memory as far as difficult child's shortcomings. And then I get gobsmacked when I see him again.

Hold your dad tight, I miss mine everyday. My greatest comfort is the time we spent together in his last years.

 

[Nancy]

please hold on to your original post here and some of the anger & dismay you felt.

Just the other day I went back to read some of my posts from a year ago when I was literally in your shoes TL. While they were very difficult to read it reaffirmed that I have grown and that I will never allow myself to go back to those dark days. Fortunately it also affirmed that difficult child is in a much better place and has made remarkable progress in her recovery.

But the other thing reading those old posts did was to make me so grateful that this forum exists now. You were one of those who regularly posted to me in those dark days TL and I will always be grateful. I am so glad we have this place, our corner of the board, to go to now.

Nancy