my son is affected by my ex's verbal abuse of me i think

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PiscesMom, Mar 18, 2016.

  1. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    omg. So I am seeing a therapist and she is helping me see that i was verbally abused during my marriage. I have been divorced for years now. I never thought verbal abuse was a big deal, but i was reading a book about it, and had this weird physical reaction, shaking and feeling like i needed to vomit it all out of me - that my therapist said was PTSD. She says my son, who is in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC), is likely aligned with my ex, and that is why he "hates" me and was violent and threatening to me. My ex is famous for telling everyone how i done him wrong, because I got a settlement and child support. After the divorce, my ex really went downhill. My ex blames me entirely. I have no regrets about leaving him and never did. But it must have been painful for my son to witness.
    I know deep down she is right. I told my son's therapist. Can this get better? Can my son recover from a dad who all his life has been trashing his mother?
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It will take time to rewrite that script. Welcome to our little corner of the world. It is something that you will both have to work through. It is possible that your son is not aware of here his anger and angst is coming from.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Many people now adults decide to recover from patterns and behaviors from the past and they do. It takes commitment and work.

    In this sense all of us are in the same boat. We enter adulthood having been formed in situations over which we had little control.

    Because your son is nearly adult, the desire and where with all will of necessity come from him. Your fear and guilt will not help him recover. Your strength and your own desire to move forward for yourself, will.

    COPA
     
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  4. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I believe if you take the high road, and live your own life without buying into the other parent's BS...don't involve your child...don't use them as a bargaining chip...the child will eventually see this and realize where he needs and wants to be in the lives of his parents.

    As for your son learning bad behaviors from his dad, I think you need to set your boundaries firmly and let him know that you won't accept that type of behavior from his dad, and you certainly won't accept it from him either. Do not let him cross your boundaries, and if he tries, call him on his BS (with love of course :whistling:). Hopefully, he'll get the picture sooner rather than later.

    P.S. - I always watch an episode of Vikings, so I can better channel my inner Lagertha before calling my son on his BS. :sneaky:
     
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  5. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    I agree. He has been so angry at me since he became mentally ill, but in the past, when pressed he cannot give a reason. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) wants to take it very slow; first build a relationship, then work on stuff.
     
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  6. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member


    I know, but i cannot control his father, and i worry the damage is done. I just hope so much he can recover. I worry about his future if he does not get better. But he is at a very good place! Thank goodness his father lives in a $$ school district!!!
     
  7. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    Therapy is great. My therapist recognized right away from my interaction with my daughter that i had been abused. Funny - while I was married, therapists we had (to appease me) never caught on. It has been almost a decade since i left him, but the therapy has left me feeling raw at times. What is ironic (is that the right word?) is that his father said he couldn't deal and has abandoned him. He told him when he gets out he can't live with him anymore. (He had been living w his dad because of his threatening behavior towards me.)
     
  8. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    as i was writing you all back (thanks for your replies!!) my son called! :) but i know he just wants to make nice to get out.
     
  9. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I'm so sorry for all of your suffering. How long has your son been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? How long will he be there? It's a shame that a parent would discard and reject their child as soon as things get hard, especially when the child needs them the most. My son's dad did that when he went to rehab, and left me to pick up the pieces and work at helping my son put himself back together again. But still his father walks on water. Mmphm!

    Sounds like you and our family have all gone through a lot of abuse over a long period of time. The therapist is probably right that it could take a while for that trust to rebuild. I still think setting firm but loving boundaries and taking things day by day is a good start. (((Hugs)))
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think it is more complicated than this. Your son loves you, I feel sure.

    I think our job as mothers is to develop good boundaries and learn to take care of ourselves. That way we will be ready to respond to our children, no matter what happens.

    I agree with Roxona. It is time for your son to begin to learn to be responsible for who he is, where he is. Your taking care of yourself and good boundaries will support that.

    COPA
     
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  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Actually, it makes sense that the earlier therapist missed it. While you were in the situation, you had to be under total outward control in order to survive. Now that you have had years away from it, you are safe to be a little more open... and that openness, to whatever degree, was enough to enable the current therapist to "see inside" just enough to be able to help.
     
  12. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    wow, you're right. i wore a mask very defensively and closely. i was so scared of the future and not being "loved." ugh!!!! looking back at old photos, i can see a sick, desperate look in my eyes. i can't tell you how relieved i was to leave that man.
     
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  13. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive, authoritarian, controlling man for nine years, and he was the father of my three children. And when I finally screwed up the courage to leave, people asked me what took me so long. I always thought I was deficient in some way and it was all me. When I sneaked out of the house with $25 dollars I had earned cleaning someone else's house and went to a therapist and she asked me what my husband could do to make me love him again and I honestly couldn't think of a thing that would made a difference. And the therapist told me I was shutting down and if I wanted to have a life for myself as well as show my kids that how I was being treated was not okay, I had some tough decisions to make. And I made them. It has been so hard, and the kids had their processing to do, but they were quite young and I thought it was better to separate sooner rather than later to minimize the damage to them. They have bad memories of his behavior over the years because he remained in our lives as a co-parent. He never remarried; I guess he couldn't find a woman willing to kowtow to him like I did for so long. I married a wonderful man and my kids have always looked to him as their compass on how to treat people. It takes time. I did see some arrogant behaviors in my son as a teenager, but that was hard to separate out from just being a jerky teenager or emulating his father, but between me and new husband (now going 35 years of marriage), he was talked to and shown how to treat people every day.

    My daughter is now locked into attempting to co-parent with a man (did she marry her father after all???) that hates her, calls her a narcissistic leech, manipulating, hateful, blah blah blah, and won't even mention her name in front of the kids. He calls her "it." Lovely. This is the situation that my difficult grandson is in the middle of. At least my grandson has us and now my husband and I are teaching another generation how to be respectful and kind to your partner and that controlling and hateful behavior towards another person that you are supposed to love (or loved at one point) is not okay.
     
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  14. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    omg. I am sooooo glad you got out. Wow - i was with him for 13 years. When i left i felt for a long time that my feet weren't quite touching the ground - i was so happy. He was devastated. He did not remarry either. Good for you for having the courage and i don't know what - the trust ? to get in a good relationship. Honestly, i cannot even imagine. Maybe someday?
    I am so sorry about your daughter. That sounds just awful. But you can't leave until you are ready. How incredibly damaging for the kids. Does she ever consider leaving? How does she justify his behavior?
     
  15. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    My daughter left this man five years ago, when my grandlittles were 2 and 4 years old. They were pretty unhappy from the get-go, and the honeymoon period didn't last long. He has the same mental health problems that my grandson has. Genetics are so powerful. And my ex-husband had the same mental health issues that his father had. At the time my daughter separated from her husband, I would say it was somewhat amicable and they wanted to co-parent. But time passed, he quickly remarried a woman with three other children by three other men, none of whom she married. She's a very strange, nasty person, and she promptly got pregnant again so they now have six children between them, which includes my two grandkids. And as my daughter has asserted her rights and the new wife has asserted herself, and as my grandson's mental illness/challenges have become more severe, the ex has gotten more and more hostile. And my ex-son-in-law is and always has been a difficult person. Not controlling, just miserable, unable to be happy and feel joy and very, very anxious. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells so we wouldn't upset him.

    As for remarrying, my husband and I took a huge leap of faith that I'm not sure I would ever be brave enough to take again. But, I was young (30 with three kids) and thankfully, it worked out. My daughter, on the other hand, never wants to marry again. She's done with the whole institution, although she wants a partner. And she hasn't found anyone yet that can put up with grandson, so there's that.
     
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