My son is homeless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Annie2007, May 24, 2014.

  1. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Just discovered this site recently. My adult son who is 32 has been homeless on and off for a year. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies. He has been in and out of hospitals and jails for years. He will not take medication they prescribe and prefers to self medicate. He blames everything on me and has such a sense of entitlement. He can't live with me and his stepfather as he becomes paranoid and violent. My husband suffered a traumatic brain injury 3 years ago and can't handle it. I feel I have lost my son. Have tried therapists for me without success. Would like to connect with parents who are in similar situations. I go to sleep every night not knowing where he is. When he does call or text, he is very ugly and threatening.


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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think most of us are in your situation. You may also want to post on Parent Emeritus,which is a site for parents of adult children.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today? I hope you chose to do something nice for yourself.

    Sweetie, (I call everyone hon or sweetie, if you don't like it just tell me)...but I have some mental illness too, including a serious mood disorder. I've been on medications since age twenty-three and every time I tried to withdraw I'd get suicidally depressed. I've been in the hospital once for ten weeks and then a few times for medication adjustments.

    I totally understand worrying about your son's mental health and safety. Mental illness isn't fun. On the other hand, your son is choosing not to comply with his treatment. It is his decision. If you even drink alcohol while on psychiatric drugs, the effectiveness of the medication is lessened. Your son knows this. He knows he is sick. He knows what his treatment should be. He is way over age eighteen and is choosing not to take his medications. I have my own opinions on the "rights" of the mentally ill...I don't know how badly your son is, but I don't think psychotic individuals should have the "right" to refuse treatment because they have NO IDEA what they are doing.

    However, if your son is in touch with reality, legally there is nothing anyone can do to make him comply with treatment. If he is also a substance abuser, maybe you should try going to a twelve step group, if you haven't tried that already. You need to get your own life on track and it won't help your son if you are unhealthy in body and mind. It won't make him any better if your life is as screwed up as his. You deserve a good life, even though your son is struggling. You are two different people...we forget that about our kids sometimes. You are allowed to enjoy yourself, even if your son is living dangerously.

    "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,
    The COURAGE to change the things I can,
    And the WISDOM to know the difference."

    Hugs. Post often.
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome!! Sorry you have to be here. It is a worry, but you have to detach from his life choices and take care of you!!

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  5. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

     
  6. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Today i stayed busy painting two rooms. but tomorrow being another holiday is depressing. he texted me yesterday wanting me to get a certified copy of his birth certificate. He has a revoked drivers license, lost his ss card and a state issued identification card from another state. He had a military id, but no good because he got kicked out for smoking pot about 12 years ago. i did look on internet but told him he would have to take care of it himself. in our state we are a "closed state" when it comes to birth and death certificates. Never heard back from him.

    He does get a disability check every month, but with direct deposit, he burns every bank and now they probably wont send it to our home. They told him they would only mail it one time. Last month, homeless in Texas, got his check and bought one way airline ticket to Oregon. Now he is homeless there. Do not know why he blew his money to go somewhere that he knows nothing about and no family or friends there. He is my only child. i love him so much. but know i cant help him. My battery is very low. Thanks for listening and responding. Please keep giving me input. my family does not understand and are quite bitter about him.
     
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Annie,

    it would be better if you posted in Parents Emeritus, especially as your son's main issue is mental illness. My son (20) is also bipolar, also has burned through his SSI at various banks, also is homeless (2 years now, lives under a bridge).

    Here is the thing we in Parents Emeritus work on coming to terms with...we cannot make them become normal. We cannot make them be who we want them to be. We cannot make them take care of themselves, take their medications, make good choices, save their money, get a job, a roof over their heads...none of that.

    We can...take care of ourselves. We can refuse to engage in threatening ugly or abusive conversations, by text or otherwise. We can learn to not let wondering where he is or how he is disrupt our days and nights, our much needed sleep.

    YOu have taken a big step simply by knowing he cannot live with you. That is a struggle for a lot of people here on the board, and you have already done that. Take another, little step. WRite down a few things to say if he is ugly when he calls....how about "I'm sorry, I won't be talked to that way. Lets talk again when we can have a better conversation" and hang up. or "I am not willing to listen to this. We'll talk when I am in a better frame of mind and you can be civil" and hang up. Don't pick up again for 24 hours at least (be prepared for the phone to ring and ring and for him to be angry)

    To texts..."PLease don't send me ugly or threatening texts. I'm turning my phone off now. I won't accept or respond to texts like this anymore". Then turn your phone off for a while. If you can't do that, figure out how to block his number, which is possible in most cases.

    You can add "I love you but" to the beginning of any of those responses.

    He will likely escalate both in frequency of texts and calls and in abusiveness. HOld the course. Hang up each time. Do not tolerate being treated that way...by ANYONE.

    Echo
     
  8. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Thank you Echo for all the input. I have quit answering my phone and/or texts. Many times I have told him I will not listen to him talk trash to me. He thinks it is ok to talk nasty to me and it got to the point where he would follow up after every nasty word with "I apologize" or "sorry". But keep right on doing it. Then I would hang up and he would call back repeatedly and I would not answer. Apparently he thinks it is ok to talk that way as long as he uses his follow-up apology. I really wish I could completely get rid of this guilt. I know I did the best I could in raising him and it is not my fault. I know this, but so often the mom part of me slips in and guilt comes back.

    Sometimes I feel that if I quit worrying and talking about his behavior (embarrassing and humiliating as it can be) that I will eventually lose him or he will become dead to me. When I do manage to not dwell on him, then I feel guilty! Seems like a no win situation. Sometimes I feel so depressed when I realize that he will most likely never be in a stable marriage and that I will never experience being a grandmother. He does have a 4 year old son in CA (product of a one night drunk night) that was adopted without his consent. Fortunately it is an open adoption and he has a wonderful life with fantastic parents who will give him the life he deserves. I keep in touch with the adoptive parents, but have not been able to go there and meet him. They do send pictures often. I am welcome to meet him anytime, but I have waited so far. His adoptive parents want him to know his bio father but only if he can be a positive influence on his life. He did meet him last year at an arranged meeting. I thought just meeting his son might help turn his life around, but has not happened. Sorry for rambling but do need all input I can get. I will try posting on the other site.




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