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My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694800" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So much to consider. So, so tired. Thank you everybody. Every single thing I took in.OK. This is what I think it is with M: part guilt about my son, because 5 years ago he was the one who urged me to kick him out--the idea being my son would be forced to work (he was refusing) and to save himself. In fact, he got worse. He suffered and I suffered. M feels very, very bad and responsible and wants to make it up to my son. He does not say it but I know this. He has said to me months ago--<em>please let me help J. I feel very badly that I did not help him more before in a sustained way. I want to now. He needs support and somebody to show him how to work and how to live. Please let me.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And then this: M came here to the US because of marital trouble. He literally ran away after 2 years of fighting with his wife. He had 2 still teenage kids who turned against him (with wife's help), feeling abandoned by him. Their mother has spent the last 12 years demonizing M to his children. There is always a kernel of truth to everything--M was not, is not perfect. Far from it. </p><p></p><p>There are 9 children all together and M does not have any kind of significant relationship with 4. He cannot go back until the immigration crisis is settled. I believe he bleeds for his children (now all adults). He was the kind of father and husband who did anything and everything for his family--sacrificed every bit of his interests for them--except for when he was young he was a drinker. *Guilt. And he can be direct, and harsh sometimes.</p><p></p><p>I think he sees himself in me. And I think he sees our situation with my son as a way he can heal himself--and heal all of us. Today he was softer. But we have not spoken of it.</p><p></p><p>Well, I agree with you here, SWOT. Dr. First had not seen my son except maybe 3 visits in 8 or 9 years so we cannot hold him responsible but now he is trying to back away--making statements like he is retired. He does not want to be responsible. The exact opposite to M. How to do you think that makes me feel? How will my son feel? I feel thrown away. And mad.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>My son who I have not heard from since last night was thrilled with the staff at the crisis center and said he was going to see if he could make connections with them for ongoing treatment and support. Who knows what is possible?</p><p>My son was homeless. I wonder if by being homeless again in that County he could qualify for services there (yes, he can) and even subsidized housing. The County is a marvel. A wealthy, gorgeous place with great transportation and weather just a half hour by ferry or bus from the big city and everywhere my son loves.</p><p></p><p>If this were possible, it would be a great launching pad. (Except it did not work out this way, he is on his way home. He called M and is already back in our City.)</p><p>It bothers me too. M is direct. Sometimes brutally so. His tack always is: you cannot change anybody. You either change yourself or you leave. He really, really believes we owe my son. I do not. But I love my son.</p><p></p><p>The way the psychiatrist put it was that my son felt bad <u><em>about himself</em></u> for not having better control, and then secondarily: <em>My Mom is really pissed and she says she is going to throw me out.</em></p><p>My son has a beautiful heart, except towards himself.</p><p>I agree with you. I agree with everybody that the best option would be something like staying in that county with a nice place to live, subsidized housing, already connected with treatment options, close to everything he loves and knows, 3 hours from us, by train--and the whole world around him to begin again. He really really does not like my county which he sees as hot and provincial and filled with meth addicts. And without good services, to boot. There is really not much for him here. I acknowledge this.</p><p></p><p>I just got a call from the psychiatrist who went over to the crisis center, and was told that my son had secured admission to the alternative hospital unit/crisis unit in the big city and had left. There was some conflict, my son calmed down, and apologized profusely and now he is gone. </p><p></p><p>The psychiatrist seems not to be able to bail fast enough--I do not even think he wants to see my son again. Which makes me feel sad and bad. M says it must be because my son is more powerful than the Dr. who is now almost 80 years old. But why get involved in the first place?</p><p>Thank you Albatross. I cannot forgive myself about spending all that money compulsively buying junk I did not want or need. It feels like penance on top of hair shirt. That is true. I will think about it. I know you are right.</p><p></p><p>Over and over again I have realized that I treat myself like I am some chattel. I treat myself so badly. I whip myself into shape.I have been this way for almost 40 years. I forced myself to walk on bloody feet to goals. I insult myself if I get tired and hopeless and whip myself more. I have never ever learned to be good to myself. Ever. The closest I came were the years out of the country and before I went back to work again 9 years ago.</p><p>I do not doubt my son's love for me. Now. For years I did. I wondered where it all had gone. OMG, I love him so much.</p><p>Yes this is exactly how it feels. Like the most expensive Chanel cream for my heart. (My mother bought Chanel makeup. I buy Dollar store. Maybe its time for a switch.)</p><p>Please don't be. His aim is not to hurt me, but he does sometimes. He is a good and responsible man. But with a harshness to him. But you see, I think he must see himself in me. The part that cost him his children. I think he must want me to be better than I am. Isn't that what we are working towards too?</p><p></p><p>You guys just put it a different way. A softer and more indirect way of helping me be better. It is not that I am bad. Just hurt and limping.</p><p></p><p>Lil: I think this is absolutely brilliant:Yes. It sure does.</p><p>I am very frightened. I do not want him to suffer. I want him to be OK. I get afraid!!! I want him to be OK. If I write these things over and over again will it help?</p><p></p><p>Lil. Have you ever felt trapped, of your own making? And you would not let yourself out? And because you knew that you had the tools to get out, you threw them away--because you felt you did not deserve to get out? For some reason I have put myself in that situation and I am not sure why.</p><p>Yes. I am abdicating my power and responsibility when I am in this place. It is like I'm putting a bag over my head like that children's game. Why, I am not sure? I wonder if it is still related to my mother. </p><p>No. I live in a small city where I used to work about 20 years ago. I know 2/3 of the clinicians and do not trust any of them either to do a good job or to keep my privacy. I am very open with people--about what is going on with me--but I do not like it when somebody who is in my trust, violates it.</p><p></p><p>There are several people at work who seem like good clinicians, but I cannot see them because it would be a dual relationship. Honestly I do not know what to do except there are a few therapists here I do not know. I can make appointments with them one by one and maybe somebody will be OK.</p><p> In the light of day I see I have choices, but I feel so crippled and hobbling. I have hope that I will be able to dance again--that I will make that happen, if I live long enough to do it. And I believe I will create a next step because I have always done so before. I am feeling like this job was a false step. I was not ready but I got scared about money. And then it turns out that they are overwhelmed with work and people are miserable. People are taking work home and working nights and weekends uncompensated. I have done the free work stuff before but I cannot now. I will not allow myself to work free. At least that is something.</p><p></p><p>There has to be a silver lining to this. Maybe one thing is that my son is seeing his situation with a bit more clarity. And taking responsibility. Who knows?</p><p></p><p>Thank you. I will re-read this thread and I will reflect. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694800, member: 18958"] So much to consider. So, so tired. Thank you everybody. Every single thing I took in.OK. This is what I think it is with M: part guilt about my son, because 5 years ago he was the one who urged me to kick him out--the idea being my son would be forced to work (he was refusing) and to save himself. In fact, he got worse. He suffered and I suffered. M feels very, very bad and responsible and wants to make it up to my son. He does not say it but I know this. He has said to me months ago--[I]please let me help J. I feel very badly that I did not help him more before in a sustained way. I want to now. He needs support and somebody to show him how to work and how to live. Please let me. [/I] And then this: M came here to the US because of marital trouble. He literally ran away after 2 years of fighting with his wife. He had 2 still teenage kids who turned against him (with wife's help), feeling abandoned by him. Their mother has spent the last 12 years demonizing M to his children. There is always a kernel of truth to everything--M was not, is not perfect. Far from it. There are 9 children all together and M does not have any kind of significant relationship with 4. He cannot go back until the immigration crisis is settled. I believe he bleeds for his children (now all adults). He was the kind of father and husband who did anything and everything for his family--sacrificed every bit of his interests for them--except for when he was young he was a drinker. *Guilt. And he can be direct, and harsh sometimes. I think he sees himself in me. And I think he sees our situation with my son as a way he can heal himself--and heal all of us. Today he was softer. But we have not spoken of it. Well, I agree with you here, SWOT. Dr. First had not seen my son except maybe 3 visits in 8 or 9 years so we cannot hold him responsible but now he is trying to back away--making statements like he is retired. He does not want to be responsible. The exact opposite to M. How to do you think that makes me feel? How will my son feel? I feel thrown away. And mad. Yes. Yes. My son who I have not heard from since last night was thrilled with the staff at the crisis center and said he was going to see if he could make connections with them for ongoing treatment and support. Who knows what is possible? My son was homeless. I wonder if by being homeless again in that County he could qualify for services there (yes, he can) and even subsidized housing. The County is a marvel. A wealthy, gorgeous place with great transportation and weather just a half hour by ferry or bus from the big city and everywhere my son loves. If this were possible, it would be a great launching pad. (Except it did not work out this way, he is on his way home. He called M and is already back in our City.) It bothers me too. M is direct. Sometimes brutally so. His tack always is: you cannot change anybody. You either change yourself or you leave. He really, really believes we owe my son. I do not. But I love my son. The way the psychiatrist put it was that my son felt bad [U][I]about himself[/I][/U] for not having better control, and then secondarily: [I]My Mom is really pissed and she says she is going to throw me out.[/I] My son has a beautiful heart, except towards himself. I agree with you. I agree with everybody that the best option would be something like staying in that county with a nice place to live, subsidized housing, already connected with treatment options, close to everything he loves and knows, 3 hours from us, by train--and the whole world around him to begin again. He really really does not like my county which he sees as hot and provincial and filled with meth addicts. And without good services, to boot. There is really not much for him here. I acknowledge this. I just got a call from the psychiatrist who went over to the crisis center, and was told that my son had secured admission to the alternative hospital unit/crisis unit in the big city and had left. There was some conflict, my son calmed down, and apologized profusely and now he is gone. The psychiatrist seems not to be able to bail fast enough--I do not even think he wants to see my son again. Which makes me feel sad and bad. M says it must be because my son is more powerful than the Dr. who is now almost 80 years old. But why get involved in the first place? Thank you Albatross. I cannot forgive myself about spending all that money compulsively buying junk I did not want or need. It feels like penance on top of hair shirt. That is true. I will think about it. I know you are right. Over and over again I have realized that I treat myself like I am some chattel. I treat myself so badly. I whip myself into shape.I have been this way for almost 40 years. I forced myself to walk on bloody feet to goals. I insult myself if I get tired and hopeless and whip myself more. I have never ever learned to be good to myself. Ever. The closest I came were the years out of the country and before I went back to work again 9 years ago. I do not doubt my son's love for me. Now. For years I did. I wondered where it all had gone. OMG, I love him so much. Yes this is exactly how it feels. Like the most expensive Chanel cream for my heart. (My mother bought Chanel makeup. I buy Dollar store. Maybe its time for a switch.) Please don't be. His aim is not to hurt me, but he does sometimes. He is a good and responsible man. But with a harshness to him. But you see, I think he must see himself in me. The part that cost him his children. I think he must want me to be better than I am. Isn't that what we are working towards too? You guys just put it a different way. A softer and more indirect way of helping me be better. It is not that I am bad. Just hurt and limping. Lil: I think this is absolutely brilliant:Yes. It sure does. I am very frightened. I do not want him to suffer. I want him to be OK. I get afraid!!! I want him to be OK. If I write these things over and over again will it help? Lil. Have you ever felt trapped, of your own making? And you would not let yourself out? And because you knew that you had the tools to get out, you threw them away--because you felt you did not deserve to get out? For some reason I have put myself in that situation and I am not sure why. Yes. I am abdicating my power and responsibility when I am in this place. It is like I'm putting a bag over my head like that children's game. Why, I am not sure? I wonder if it is still related to my mother. No. I live in a small city where I used to work about 20 years ago. I know 2/3 of the clinicians and do not trust any of them either to do a good job or to keep my privacy. I am very open with people--about what is going on with me--but I do not like it when somebody who is in my trust, violates it. There are several people at work who seem like good clinicians, but I cannot see them because it would be a dual relationship. Honestly I do not know what to do except there are a few therapists here I do not know. I can make appointments with them one by one and maybe somebody will be OK. In the light of day I see I have choices, but I feel so crippled and hobbling. I have hope that I will be able to dance again--that I will make that happen, if I live long enough to do it. And I believe I will create a next step because I have always done so before. I am feeling like this job was a false step. I was not ready but I got scared about money. And then it turns out that they are overwhelmed with work and people are miserable. People are taking work home and working nights and weekends uncompensated. I have done the free work stuff before but I cannot now. I will not allow myself to work free. At least that is something. There has to be a silver lining to this. Maybe one thing is that my son is seeing his situation with a bit more clarity. And taking responsibility. Who knows? Thank you. I will re-read this thread and I will reflect. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
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