My son is in the hospital.

[Copabanana]

You sound less.... Frantic.

Thank you darkwing.

You know. I think I may be less frantic because I am all wrung out. I feel like I have very little left to cope with.

I am grateful for this moment in my life. I have long wished my son to voluntarily go to treatment. And although we put his feet to the fire, he did after all have a choice. He arranged it. He went to the city. He persevered even when he was 5150'd along the way. And it seems as if he may have entered. At least I have not heard otherwise. He deserves credit. I deserve credit.

I love my son 100x more than I love myself. I know that is not what we strive for but it is the truth.

I have given myself permission to work two more weeks at this godforsaken job and then give notice. I am counting days. 7 more work days until I give notice and 8 days more of work. I need never again work in a prison. A big milestone for me. The better part of 20 years in prison. My plan (if I can do it) is to work until I think it is Sept 2.

Darkwing. I hope you are well. Thank you for your support.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Copa what an ordeal for you and your son. I do hope and pray he is at the facility he sought and will get the help that opens up new doors for him.
(My quote machine is not working....) ugh. I wanted to tell you how amazed I am Copa at the strides you have made. I am hoping all goes better these next few weeks at your job. I am glad you have a game plan as far as leaving. I would say they are very fortunate to have you there, and I am sure your patients have benefitted so much from your care. It is sad that supervisory is not supportive of your efforts.
I do feel that when facilities and workplaces are poorly managed, and competent knowledgeable, quality help comes their way, it is intimidating for them. It begets a hostile work environment, not your fault for being a conscientious worker, and not healthy at all. I am so glad you are going to get the heck outta there! I would say if the need arises to leave sooner, skidattle!
Life is too short to be mistreated by anyone. You deserve so much better dear friend.
Prayers going up for new horizons for you and M, and a new beginning for your son as well.
May you all find peace surround and within.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[mof]

Copa, wow...sorry for your drama. Congrats on taking the bull by the horns and navigating the thing we call treatment, almost impossible in this day and age.

I think your boundaries are good and your Approaching with positive thoughts.

Praying your son does what is needed and finds that medication could be the beginning of a healed life for him.

Many blessings....hugs

 

[Copabanana]

I do hope and pray he is at the facility he sought

Praying your son does what is needed

Thank you mof and New Leaf.I spoke with him just now and he sounded content. He bought a new cell phone with a plan so that we could reach him "any time you want, day or night," he said. This was a brand new attitude. M had thought the same thing when he had called earlier, saying my son sounded humble and passive. I wouldn't go that far but close to it.

He said direct quote " this place is laid back. It is waaay better than the other one." He went to residential treatment maybe 2.5 years ago, but that was through his medicaid. He says the program will be between 30 days and 60 days depending on his need and what insurance will pay for.

I would say if the need arises to leave sooner, skidattle!

Thank you New Leaf. You are talking here about my work.

I had convinced myself that I had 7 days more before I could give notice and 8 days of work after that but when I looked again at the calendar it seems I forgot about a week. My last day will be 9/2, if I can hold out that long. I have begun to tell the patients that I will leave sooner rather than later, but not specifically when. It has gotten to staff but I have not yet been approached by a supervisor.

I will look at the calendar now to try and get clear. Tomorrow would not be fast enough but I want to complete 3 months and I have a certain amount of money in my head to make (which irritates M because he says no amount of money is worth it.)

Thank you for your support. It feels like I am not doing this alone.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

It only costs you whatever you put into it. This cautious optimism is about as good as it gets. You should always have hope, but you should never let your guard down entirely when dealing with people like your son, and I. Find a point where his success is excellent for you both, but where his failure does not destroy you completely. Probably easier said that done, but I think you're close to that.

I love this advice, where his success is good for both and failure does not destroy you completely. I still have a guard up somewhat- and think I always will. I have learned what works and what doesn't. This is where I am with my son.

 

[ColleenB]

Wow Copa... I just read this thread. You have had a rough go, but so glad your son seems to be making some progress.

I have no wisdom, no advice.... Just sending you some good vibes, and prayers of hope for healing for both you and your son.....

 

[Copabanana]

I want to check in just because it feels good to do so. I have not spoken yet to my son today but he called while I was still at work. M said he sounded content and happy. I asked M on the way home: Do you think he feels pleased with himself that he took the step to enter treatment? M said yes.

M says I look for things to worry. How to not to? I am worried now if he comes home, and he goes and lives in the other house, and starts using his marijuana and caffeine pills again--it is the type of neighborhood where some people use drugs. How do I ever begin to trust him--his own judgment and self-restraint? Do I ever stop wanting to be a policeman? Him living with me, or in a space I control--is that one of the dangers? That I will always want to take control? Always be afraid?

Or the other side of the coin. He clearly misses us. His capacity to be involved with us--to love us--seems greater. Or not his capacity but his willingness to own his love and act from it. Seems greater. He knew M would be here alone, that I would be at work. He is clearly seizing the opportunity to make positive contact. He asked about the remodeling. About the other worker. It is as if he is beginning to feel and acknowledge that he has a life with us that he appreciates and misses.

So the idea of not letting him come back--would be almost cruel. But I have to say I am afraid. To be hopeful--is to risk. My open heart feels tender. It is a strange place to be.

I love him. What more is there to say? Except I am afraid. How could I bear to lose him now?

 

[mof]

Copa,

I echo your worry line. How can we not? My son isn't responding to my texts...is he sleeping, in mtgs.....who knows, I jump to the conclusion he might not be doing something he should. It drives me insane.

I pray people don't ask me about my son either, but I know rumors spread. I try to trust him...but I don't, I try to breathe and lean on he is doing this on his own...but I will never not worry. It doesn't help, but it's what I do.

He seems to be doing well and progressing, but we know it doesn't take much to digress.

I love him...so much. Let's face it, We will always carry our sons with us. Don't isolate....everyone carries something.

Hugs,
Mof

 

[GoingNorth]

Just remember that if he's inpatient, he may not have access to his phone. Quite commonly, substance abuse treatment centers and some sober houses, do not allow their clients to have their phones at all, or if they do, only after a certain of time has passed. Other facilities only return the phone after certain levels of return to health are demonstrated by the client.

If he's inpatient or in rehab, it might be better to NOT speak to him and let him have the space to work on his own issues with the assistance of the trained personnel at the facility.

 

[mof]

He has no phone restrictions...He lives in a sober house. He is suppose to check in once a day..just with a , I'm good. He does go to night off-site mtgs.

I'll stay optimistic....but scares me. It could just not be charged too.

Thanks!

 

[Lil]

I understand the worry too. Even when things go well, there's this constant, underlying tension. It's like a subsonic hum...something just almost out of your range of hearing but just making you constantly on edge.

Poor Jabber. He puts up with so much. I came home yesterday and just fell apart for 15 minutes. Worried about my son getting his community service done...he's blown it off so many times he could have done it and he has to be done by the 15th, but he works most days and doesn't seem willing to put in more than a couple hours on his days off. If he isn't done, or if the church custodian won't say he is, then we'll have to kick him out. In fact, Jabber won't even be able to say where he is, so can't know. He'll have to do paperwork at work if there's a warrant. He's right on the edge of doing well...but realistically, the only things he's fully done right since we let him stay July 1 is work. Yesterday was the first time EVER he gave me the full 1/2 his check. He borrowed $3 from Jabber two weeks ago and hasn't paid it back. He doesn't understand why $3 is such a big deal...but it is. He said he'd pay it back and he didn't. It's trust and respect and responsibility all wrapped up in $3 and he keeps ignoring it or saying he doesn't have it. We still find dirty dishes in the sink, and I don't mind a couple now and then, but darnit we told him to clean up after himself!

Sorry...made this all about me, but my point is, it's one thing after another and though he isn't doing anything wrong he isn't doing it right enough to keep me from being constantly on the verge of screaming about something.

I don't know how to stop worrying. I have nagged and nagged about the community service for six weeks! For nothing. Jabber says, "It's on him." Even my son says, "It's on me!" but I still can't stop worrying. It's maddening. It was easier when he didn't live at home. When I didn't know where he was supposed to be from day to day.

 

[RN0441]

Mof: have you heard from your son yet?

Lil: Yes it's a constant state of wondering when the other shoe will drop. Mine dropped yesterday BUT I am doing better at detaching. I have been working hard. That is a good reason adult children should not live at home as some here have said. It prevents US from living the life we want and deserve. We fought with my son a few years ago about community service and since he didn't finish he has something on his record now. Not serious but...just stupid laziness or not wanting to conform or what??

Copa: This new development sounds promising. I do hope that this is a good sign of things to come. Up and down and up and down. EEK it's exhausting, I know.

My son went from 3 days of IOP to his new place which is 5 days of IOP to start! How funny is that? His house manager helped him find this place and he KNOWS how my son is so maybe he did this for a reason. Hoping.

 

[mof]

RN, I did and posted on your thread. I make myself miserable..pure a d simple.

Five days is good....my son does 5 days.

Work is needed...but .maturing.....can we rush that along? Lol

 

[worried sick mother]

I worry constantly so I understand how everyone feels. My only advice today is to try not to worry so much and be thankful your sons are in treatment. When my son was in rehab I worried the entire time, I think we do this because we are so afraid that they won't succeed and we want it so bad for them. I wish I would have used the time he was there to relax and have a little break from all the worry so that's my advice to you Copa, Mof, and RN. Try to trust that they are in good hands and safe.
I didn't talk to my son at all while he was in rehab other than a few phone counseling sessions. He had his phone the entire time. His counselor told us both to not have any contact with each other because it was me he was so angry with for sending him to rehab. It was also me he blamed for his drug use , he said it was because I was accusing him of using drugs all the time so he finally just started using. Anyway my point is that limited contact can be part of treatment. My sons counselor said she was trying to get my son to take responsibility for his drug use and stop blaming me. So I know how bad u want to hear from them but try to not worry yourself sick, they're safe right now.
It's been said on this site that around 25 years old they start to mature and things change, I sure pray that's true!! If so I just have a little over a year and I'll be able to confirm that theory.

 

[mof]

25.....I hope we all last that long!!!!!

Thank you worry sick!!!!!

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I want to check in just because it feels good to do so. I have not spoken yet to my son today but he called while I was still at work. M said he sounded content and happy. I asked M on the way home: Do you think he feels pleased with himself that he took the step to enter treatment? M said yes.

M says I look for things to worry. How to not to? I am worried now if he comes home, and he goes and lives in the other house, and starts using his marijuana and caffeine pills again--it is the type of neighborhood where some people use drugs. How do I ever begin to trust him--his own judgment and self-restraint? Do I ever stop wanting to be a policeman? Him living with me, or in a space I control--is that one of the dangers? That I will always want to take control? Always be afraid?

Or the other side of the coin. He clearly misses us. His capacity to be involved with us--to love us--seems greater. Or not his capacity but his willingness to own his love and act from it. Seems greater. He knew M would be here alone, that I would be at work. He is clearly seizing the opportunity to make positive contact. He asked about the remodeling. About the other worker. It is as if he is beginning to feel and acknowledge that he has a life with us that he appreciates and misses.

So the idea of not letting him come back--would be almost cruel. But I have to say I am afraid. To be hopeful--is to risk. My open heart feels tender. It is a strange place to be.

I love him. What more is there to say? Except I am afraid. How could I bear to lose him now?

Oh Copa- all your feelings, so justified. I really had to let son go and live his life and know that it will not be the way I imagined his life would be when he was born and years later when he became an adult.

What if- he lived someplace other then your other house? I think him living with you or at your other house does not allow him to be totally free to live his life- however he chooses. It also would free you from the feeling of having to 'police him'. I went through this with my son- he would make a statement and I would call people and verify if it was true or not, if he lied, etc. It drove me insane. I became addicted to his every word, story and felt the need to call him up and say gotcha, you lied. I couldn't live like that anymore. Recently son told me a lie, I found out by accident, but it's ok and I am not letting him know I know. The reason being because he is 90% better then he was 9 months ago. I can choose to focus on the occasional lie or I can choose to focus on how well he has progressed. What I had hoped for, that he have a somewhat normal life then the crazy life he had for years is my little bit of joy.

Giving up the control of knowing where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, if they are lying, doing drugs, is the hardest thing once they make some progress. Your son is making progress. Yes decisions will have to made after he gets released but let him perhaps live elsewhere. YOU and M have tried that before and maybe its time for something new for son. You both, son and you have to slowly start detaching from one another.

 

[ColleenB]

25.....I hope we all last that long!!!!!

Thank you worry sick!!!!!

I have heard this too and I always think... I can't do three more years!!! I will lose my mind!

I am actually envious of you all whose sons are actually in treatment .... I wish my son would go. He doesn't think he is " that bad"... For a while I guess I believed him.

I wish you some peace Copa.... And keep us posted.

 

[mof]

Colleen,

Its not the age....your son could wake up any day and realize, I don't want this anymore. All guys take awhile to grow....Our just have a disease that challenges that.

Hugs...let's take a break from the insanity

 

[Copabanana]

Something came up today that hurt me. Last night I used 2 Amtrak vouchers that would soon be expiring to buy cross country train tickets for M and I for a trip we have been planning for years. And when I redeemed the vouchers there was money missing.

I called Amtrak to research the missing funds and the lady asked: Do you have somebody living with you with the same last name? And sure enough a ticket was bought on 7/29 and sent to my son's email. That was how he took the train to enter the facility (and got hijacked into the hospital.)

One other time I let him pay for a ticket to see the therapist using another small voucher, but this was a different voucher and no consent was given or asked for. Seventy fine dollars. I felt sliced through my heart. A shallow cut, but blood was shed.

M said my son called while I was at work wanting to send me money. I am wondering if he feels guilty about what he did. It really feels lousy. I am not eager to talk to him.

? I think him living with you or at your other house does not allow him to be totally free to live his life- however he chooses

I agree.

It is complicated though. My preferred facility for him has a series of less restrictive living situations culminating in community apartments where he could live while working. He could have lived under their wing for years, while going to school etc.

We live in California where anyplace he would want to live he could never afford. He does not like where he can afford which includes the community where I live. When he finishes the program he is in he will be discharged and that is it.

The thing is-I think my son wants to live better--I do not mean financially, I mean a more structured, accountable and purposeful life. I am really wondering if he can live independently without some support. I know there is community mental health and subsidized housing.

I think the answers are not readily available and they will be decided by him in the course of his treatment, hopefully, which I think we will have some role in.

I guess this will work itself out.

I wish you some peace Copa

Thank you Colleen.

 

[Feeling Sad]

As always...I am very proud of you. I am proud of your returning to your very difficult work and how you are handling your son's behavior. You did the right thing.

I can picture you right now, Copa, with a column dressing tunic and flared legged pants blowing in the brisk sea breeze, as you stand beside your dedicated Chinese Crested wearing a jaunty skipper hat!