how is your son doing? And of course, how are you doing?
Thank you for thinking about me, all of you.
Let me catch you up. This is the longest vacation from CD I have taken since I found you. What happened was this: I have this mobile hotspot internet connection which ran out of bytes so my only way on was with a phone. I cannot maneuver typing on the phone.
Then this weirdness set in. I wanted to see if I could stand being away. I got this kind of superstitious feeling, like if I did not post--maybe I could keep things better. I mean, if I did not make it a catastrophe by memorializing it here--maybe it would not be a BIG HUGE PROBLEM. Did it work? I am not sure.
STEAL your joy, your hope, your life away.
Just after I stopped posting I decided to give notice at that crappy job AND I DID. Tomorrow is my last day.
So I am on the upswing. Just what it was that tipped the scale will be a long post, probably better on FOO or Watercooler--but I look forward to sharing. Right now, I just want to get through tomorrow.
M is fine, but tired, too. He has been driving me back and forth to work. Almost 4 hours a day on the road. So I am so glad to be able to take this pressure off of him. He has been very worried about his aged parents.
My son is still in the program. I think he thought that changing would be easier and for the past 10 days or so has been very morose and defeated, but still there. The (somewhat) good news is he is trying medication, something that for years and years he would not consent to do. He is taking it because the staff told him that the only way he could maximize the chances he could stay in treatment there--would be to show he was doing all he could--compliant with treatment.
It was a bit of a crisis last Sunday because he told me (when he told me about the medication, an anti-depressant) the medication had caused him to have a bit of a psychosis. I got frantic because one reason for this response with this medication is history of brain injury and compromised liver--and my son has both. I feared he did not tell the psychiatrist about his history.
Sometimes my son believes if he pretends something (does or does Not exist) it can be so. Not really, but he is the champion of denial.
I was so concerned about his despondency (and all of everything all rolled together) that I called the program on a Sunday and blurted out all of my hopes and fears (2 minutes worth) to somebody, I am not even sure who he was. And then I felt fearful about what I had done--that I had busted into my son's treatment--and I was worried about that! So I called Monday, asked to speak with somebody with some authority and said this:
I am just so worried about my son, but I am also concerned I am acting inappropriately. I need help in deciding about proper boundaries. My son is an adult. But he is my child.
So in the course of the call (there was no release so she could not even acknowledge my son was there) I decided, on my own, that there was no role for me in his treatment. That if he lied about his history, and suffered untoward consequences, the consequences were his because this is his life. He deserves his errors, to learn. And I really really liked her response: She said,
"he is here to find his own voice. The only way he will find it is to choose his path himself. If it makes it any easier for you, many many parents find this very hard. They, like you, are very frightened."
I liked what she said. I was able to not call for 5 days, and then tonight I relapsed.
your son wanting to send you some money. Was that offer made to you before he found out that you discovered the theft, or after?
Hi Darkwing. You are so, so hard on yourself. I wish you could find heart for yourself. I know you feel if you lighten up you may slip up. I believe holding yourself accountable does not require you to be harsh and self-accusatory. You do not deserve it. You deserve respect. Especially from yourself.
Actually, he offered to send the money before I found out. (But still has not sent it. I understand. Where he is staying there is no bus access to Walmart or anywhere else for that matter.)
This is all so, so hard. I would have given anything for him to get into treatment. That he is open to psychiatric medications is like a miracle. But he is still morose and negative and feels every bit as much constrained by his symptoms. It is not enough time for the medication to take effect--I tell him that and I tell myself that--but I am so affected by his moods. I know change is hard and slow and he will not change into what he wants to be in a couple of weeks or months or even years. But knowing and KNOWING are completely different animals.
I want my son to be content and happy and fulfilled, with a life that gives him meaning and connection. Most of all I want him ALIVE and NOT ILL or GOD FORBID dying.
I told him tonight:
I do not believe I could survive your dying. I need you to take care of your health.
I do not know why I am not getting better. M said:
He is changing. He is making good choices. He is trying. Look at the positive things that are happening instead of the bad things.
People. Why can't I?
I am glad to be back. I hope you are well. I have not been reading any threads but once work is over I will try to catch up.
Thank you.
she dumped in the garage, and found much of those items. She was very hurt. She really laid into sister about it, angry and in tears. Next day, we get a post card from the jail confessing to stealing the very expensive camera, and telling us where she pawned it. My aunt felt that this was improvement of some sort, but I disagree. If she had sent it BEFORE my aunt found all of her stuff, I'd be a bit more generous about the post card. But she didn't. Which seems to suggest that she didn't send the post card out of remorse, or shame. Merely to preserve an incredibly beneficial (to her) relationship to my aunt.
