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My son is in the hospital.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 696763" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Darkwing, the only "apology" we ever want or need is to see our precious loved one doing better. Not even perfect, just better. You clearly are in a very different place, where honesty reigns. I believe that is all your aunt would ever want. </p><p></p><p>Watching your sister I'm sure brings up feelings about things you did and said. Most of us learn the long hard way that none of this is personal. It still feels personal, at first, but as we process the thefts and cursing and lies and all of it, we learn that it isn't personal. It's the addiction. It's the mental illness. It truly has nothing to do with us. We get that over time. We can let it all go, especially when our precious loved one---who we never, ever stop loving, even through it all---starts to walk a different, better path.</p><p></p><p>I can't tell you how grateful and thankful I am for my son's continued improvement. I hope and pray I never take it for granted. Sometimes, when I don't talk to him or hear from him for a few days, I feel that old knot of anxiety and fear in my stomach. My PTSD flares. </p><p></p><p>I just want him to be okay. That's all. A tall order, I know, but I still am learning that being okay doesn't mean living life my way or through my little dreams for him or the Cinderella way I still think. It has to be his way.</p><p></p><p>We talk about worry on this thread. I used to be Master Worrier. I use capital letters here because I was well known for it. I have learned that worrying is about wanting to control things. I had the best of intentions, of course, but in the end it was about control. In fact, when I was growing up, one time my own precious mother gave me an embroidered pillow with a brass stand. The pillow read: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse. </p><p></p><p>That's how much I worried. </p><p></p><p>I don't really worry like that anymore. My work through Al-Anon has helped me let go. Sometimes, if I get too involved with other people, I can sense the seeds still inside me. I work hard to correct myself---my thinking and my behavior---even if I still have the feelings. Usually I can let go of the situation. </p><p></p><p>Living without that type of deep worry---about all people, places and things---has been a true gift. I can accept imperfection so much more easily now---in myself and in other people. I feel calm and peaceful very quickly after new problems occur...after I can identify what role I may have (usually none) and what I can do that would be helpful and healthy. I think now a lot about having healthy behavior. </p><p></p><p>My toughest nut to crack is still with my son...and with my aging parents next...and my alcoholic brother next. I use all of these lessons in those situations, and usually I can come around to better thinking and behavior, even if I get off track at first. </p><p></p><p>Letting go is the goal I believe. Just letting go. Sounds simple, but it really isn't as we all know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 696763, member: 17542"] Darkwing, the only "apology" we ever want or need is to see our precious loved one doing better. Not even perfect, just better. You clearly are in a very different place, where honesty reigns. I believe that is all your aunt would ever want. Watching your sister I'm sure brings up feelings about things you did and said. Most of us learn the long hard way that none of this is personal. It still feels personal, at first, but as we process the thefts and cursing and lies and all of it, we learn that it isn't personal. It's the addiction. It's the mental illness. It truly has nothing to do with us. We get that over time. We can let it all go, especially when our precious loved one---who we never, ever stop loving, even through it all---starts to walk a different, better path. I can't tell you how grateful and thankful I am for my son's continued improvement. I hope and pray I never take it for granted. Sometimes, when I don't talk to him or hear from him for a few days, I feel that old knot of anxiety and fear in my stomach. My PTSD flares. I just want him to be okay. That's all. A tall order, I know, but I still am learning that being okay doesn't mean living life my way or through my little dreams for him or the Cinderella way I still think. It has to be his way. We talk about worry on this thread. I used to be Master Worrier. I use capital letters here because I was well known for it. I have learned that worrying is about wanting to control things. I had the best of intentions, of course, but in the end it was about control. In fact, when I was growing up, one time my own precious mother gave me an embroidered pillow with a brass stand. The pillow read: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse. That's how much I worried. I don't really worry like that anymore. My work through Al-Anon has helped me let go. Sometimes, if I get too involved with other people, I can sense the seeds still inside me. I work hard to correct myself---my thinking and my behavior---even if I still have the feelings. Usually I can let go of the situation. Living without that type of deep worry---about all people, places and things---has been a true gift. I can accept imperfection so much more easily now---in myself and in other people. I feel calm and peaceful very quickly after new problems occur...after I can identify what role I may have (usually none) and what I can do that would be helpful and healthy. I think now a lot about having healthy behavior. My toughest nut to crack is still with my son...and with my aging parents next...and my alcoholic brother next. I use all of these lessons in those situations, and usually I can come around to better thinking and behavior, even if I get off track at first. Letting go is the goal I believe. Just letting go. Sounds simple, but it really isn't as we all know. [/QUOTE]
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