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My son is not getting it!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 489827" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I have two suggestions - and I don't know anything about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids - but I do know about two things - One - How I like to be spoken to, and two - about the fears of abandonment from being adopted, dumped.....unwanted. </p><p></p><p>There is a very excellent book out about effective communication that for me and my son - (hard headededest of the hard headedest) and the day I got it I put it to use and it was like a lightbulb moment for me. It's called How to Speak So your Children will Listen and HOw to Listen so your Children will speak." There are a lot of things in this world that we say - believing that we are asking, or saying something in a correct way to a child or a friend or a co-worker. Not ever meaning to come off snide, snippy or snarky- it's not even how we say - it's WHAT we are saying. Some things even come off as back-handed compliments and we mean the best of intentions - this book - points out those things to us - so that we can stop - hear ourselves and learn the RIGHT way to being asking and TELLING our children what we need them to do. </p><p></p><p>The second thing that I need you to understand is that ANY reference on quitting being ones Mommy is HUGE - even if it's in reference to just stopping doing Mommy things. The majority of adoptees I have met - are suffering from anger issues they don't even know they have. I suffered nearly into my mid thirties and had NO idea that I was so angry about adoption. I had great parents - I just had issues with being adopted. I had fears, abandonment issues, I had self-esteeem issues. I had self-confidence by the buckets full - but lacked so many other things in my life that I made really really poor decisions and had no idea at all - why. Poor choice after poor choice plagued me. I swear to you I thought I was cursed or something. It ruined my life. I picked a horrible husband, I stayed in an abusive marriage. I nearly ruined my sons life over it all. When I finally got into therapy and started dealing with the adoption I swore I had no issues - I was happy - I had great family - I had confidence - and then the therapist touched on issues and I shut down, and shut him out and that was that - and boy howdy it was over. Bingo. It took a few years to deal with it all - and I had NO idea. I was told the majority of adopted kids have no clue that these issues snowball out of control from a young age - but they did....and maybe this is something you could look into for your son. </p><p></p><p>I just know that if he has any incling that in his subconscious his biomom - "dumped" him - and you say things like you say - I think it's a trigger for him to dig his heels in deeper and then thats probably where he starts parenting the brother - someone has to take over - he's not going to be dumped again. He doesn't even know it's happening. I think a lot of his anger he doesn't even know where it's from, but it wouldn't hurt to find different things to say until you can get to a therapist that deals with adoption issues and can talk to you both so he knows he's not going anywhere and you know maybe a better vocabulary of things you can effectively communicate to him to get your point across - (not in any way putting you down so don't get upset - I had to learn to - belive me - ask anyone here about throwing holy water on my kid) lol. </p><p></p><p>Just a different view - froma sometimes sideways star.....</p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 489827, member: 4964"] I have two suggestions - and I don't know anything about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids - but I do know about two things - One - How I like to be spoken to, and two - about the fears of abandonment from being adopted, dumped.....unwanted. There is a very excellent book out about effective communication that for me and my son - (hard headededest of the hard headedest) and the day I got it I put it to use and it was like a lightbulb moment for me. It's called How to Speak So your Children will Listen and HOw to Listen so your Children will speak." There are a lot of things in this world that we say - believing that we are asking, or saying something in a correct way to a child or a friend or a co-worker. Not ever meaning to come off snide, snippy or snarky- it's not even how we say - it's WHAT we are saying. Some things even come off as back-handed compliments and we mean the best of intentions - this book - points out those things to us - so that we can stop - hear ourselves and learn the RIGHT way to being asking and TELLING our children what we need them to do. The second thing that I need you to understand is that ANY reference on quitting being ones Mommy is HUGE - even if it's in reference to just stopping doing Mommy things. The majority of adoptees I have met - are suffering from anger issues they don't even know they have. I suffered nearly into my mid thirties and had NO idea that I was so angry about adoption. I had great parents - I just had issues with being adopted. I had fears, abandonment issues, I had self-esteeem issues. I had self-confidence by the buckets full - but lacked so many other things in my life that I made really really poor decisions and had no idea at all - why. Poor choice after poor choice plagued me. I swear to you I thought I was cursed or something. It ruined my life. I picked a horrible husband, I stayed in an abusive marriage. I nearly ruined my sons life over it all. When I finally got into therapy and started dealing with the adoption I swore I had no issues - I was happy - I had great family - I had confidence - and then the therapist touched on issues and I shut down, and shut him out and that was that - and boy howdy it was over. Bingo. It took a few years to deal with it all - and I had NO idea. I was told the majority of adopted kids have no clue that these issues snowball out of control from a young age - but they did....and maybe this is something you could look into for your son. I just know that if he has any incling that in his subconscious his biomom - "dumped" him - and you say things like you say - I think it's a trigger for him to dig his heels in deeper and then thats probably where he starts parenting the brother - someone has to take over - he's not going to be dumped again. He doesn't even know it's happening. I think a lot of his anger he doesn't even know where it's from, but it wouldn't hurt to find different things to say until you can get to a therapist that deals with adoption issues and can talk to you both so he knows he's not going anywhere and you know maybe a better vocabulary of things you can effectively communicate to him to get your point across - (not in any way putting you down so don't get upset - I had to learn to - belive me - ask anyone here about throwing holy water on my kid) lol. Just a different view - froma sometimes sideways star..... Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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