My son is now one of the homeless...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Feb 27, 2015.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I never wanted to be amongst those who had to post such a thing. But here I am, in the comforts of a warm home with a lovely guest bedroom and a son who is living in a downtown city homeless shelter.

    I suppose all the roads my drug addict/alcoholic son has traveled lead to this time in his life. Marriage, The Army, Prison...now homelessness.

    He texted me around 12;30 am last night and said...

    "I want you to know I love you but am changing my number. I permanently need the family out of my life for good. I will not attempt contact and I would appreciate the same. Thank you for the hand offered at times. But I have my own hands and I do not need these people who I honestly consider the biggest hypocrites and liars I have ever met in the world other than myself, but I am changing that. I'm not angry I just haven't had a mother or father or brother or sister or wife and I think you all were made for each other and hope you all keep spreading your version of love amongst yourselves. I however am opting out. Seriously considering after getting on my feet a name change. I truly do not want association with people who in my best understanding hate me. None of you are examples of a functioning family and it's beauty. You are a turmoil gossiping hypocritical unloyal happy to point out fault but never your own.
    I am in a rehab program that works with my job and has strict rules. I'll be here for at least 30 days but I could stay 2 yrs if I needed too. After all the extreme trauma and stress much self inflicted but certainly without a doubt not all I may need 2 yrs. I get a breathalyzer and UA. I have to provide proof of work and be in at a certain time. I'm barely fed but I am witness to a world you and dad lied to me about. These homeless people are not deadbeats or even drug addicts. These are some of the most giving genuine people I have ever been honored to be around. They have so little and willfully give and I too have taken this practice up recently and it makes me feel very good. These people, not all, but quite a few are funny, they are smart. Their weathered faces show they are TRUE survivors. The ex communed the banished the forgotten ones. I don't believe you or dad were ever homeless. Dad tried to scare me when I was a kid cuz I said I rather be homeless so he took me downtown and found people to scare me and to punish me for disrespecting his goodwill for not exiling me immediately for my disrespect of his home. I think I was 7. I have talked (to wife) everyday barely does she speak to me. She has abandoned me once again in my time of need. I'm done with her. Truth she's a terrible mother and you all are enablers for not calling her on her bs regarding the care and safety of your grandchildren. She is a speed freak she's a pill popper liar and she too learned from my own family how to sit on the high horse and look down. You all need some conviction and have none. You need principal and have none. You need integrity but you guys are old and set in your ways. If I am to ever cross paths I will need to see true change in all of you to even consider a further relationship. As it stands now I need you all to know that A. I will have another family. B. It will be with a woman who knows the whole truth of our family and as it stands you all will not be apart of our lives. I'm sending this to you mom but it's not directed at any one of you this goes for Grandma too or lachthereof. It's going to take years for me to recover from this and counseling and work. I really don't wish to see you all or hear your laughing noises to make fun of me. I am not a full person. I'm incomplete and have been since born. Now I get to spend my adult life My prime putting the pieces back together alone. Now I have many faults and have hurt myself and others but my family has given me a form of ptsd and stress disorders that I pray I'll recover from as well as abondonement and self loathing. I'm sorry to my children but it is best they do not know me until I can rebuild myself as a person. I wish you would have had an abortion mom. You were not and are not ready to be true loving parents. Though I know you are both vicims as well as perpetrators and for that I'm sorry. You all will get older and will want a relationship and I don't know if I'll be ready for that then or ever. I am an orphan. I am my own man. I came from me and I will rebuild me and it will have been no thanks to anyone but myself. Like I said I know none of this was directly intentional but I am exhiled until meeting the standard. Well good ridence I'll never meet your stupid standards so that I can have support and or feel comfortable in the same room with my family. Right. Family. s%$# your standards I've lived my F'd up life not you. Goodbye."

    husband and I find it interesting that of course the "rehab" program that son speaks of will also have RULES...not so unlike the ones we had at our home when nearly 2 yrs ago (few months out of prison) son told us he "can put whatever substances he wants in his body." That is when I think we gave him 3 weeks to move out. He has not lived with us since.

    A few weeks ago, husband reluctantly paid for a week at an extended stay hotel close to the train/bus transportation so he could easily get to work...surprisingly he still has new job. According to his wife, he trashed the room this past weekend and the hotel said, "We have pulled bodies out of these rooms before and have never seen a room left in this condition!" So apparently son destroyed the room and does not remember doing it because he was in a drunk black out state of mind according to a "friend" who told daughter in law about the incident.

    About the visit downtown when son was young...he was more like 10 yrs old and was expressing a very ungrateful woe as me attitude even then. husband and I wanted to show him how others live who do not have it so good. It is sad that the message he got was that they are deadbeats. I do think many struggle with mental illness and drug addiction and I suppose that is why our son thinks we are victims as well as "perpetors"...as we are riddled with addiction on both sides of the family tree. And son is well aware of my mental illness issues...the psychotic breakdown 8 yrs ago...or maybe he thinks we were not loved well by our parents and did not know how to love well as his parent...I don't know.

    As for daughter in law...I do think something is wrong with her these days. She lives with her mother still and husband has been picking up oldest grandson on Sunday mornings to take him to the bowling alley (husband is a bowling coach). We even had both oldest grandson and middle granddaughter spend the night this past Saturday. My mother came over Sunday afternoon and spent some time with the grands and us and took the grands home to daughter in law's mother's home. She said daughter in law is destroying her face. She said she is picking at her face so badly that she will have permanent scars.

    I know daughter in law is stressed! Grandson recently started on Focalin for ADHD...seeing psychiatrist, CPS investigation because daughter in law and her father got into a fight and her father ended up with a bloodly lip and then called police on daughter in law...long story but suffice it to say I think her father is the one at fault and the ultimate abuser. Now daughter in law was taken to jail and has court in a few weeks, already had court and it was postponed to later hearing date. I know she is stressed beyond belief...maybe she is using. I don't know.
    Certainly son thinks she is...but then again everyone is a hypocrite or just as bad off as he is! I think since he is not getting his way by wife running to his rescue or living in our home with us right now that he is trying to make everyone else look like the "bad guy" in his mind. I just wish he could realize that all of his choices have lead him to this bitter end...not all of us.

    It's so sad that all of a mother's love/a wife's love is not enough to turn son away from the grips of self pity and self destruction from drugs and alcohol...but most of all...love for even his own children...is not enough.

    Thanks for reading and caring,
    LMS
     
  2. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Sorry for what you're going through. With your son blaming everybody else for his problems it doesn't look good for him turning things around. You don't need to justify what you did / didn't do while raising him. He's an adult now and responsible for his own choices. His rant sounds like a combination of blaming others for his problems and lashing out at you to cause you pain. Limit your contact with him.

    Meth use can cause severe acne like you describe with your daughter in law.

    Dealing with drug users is crazy-making. They're living in a twisted fantasy world where up is down and right is wrong so there's no reasoning with them while they're using. At a certain point you have to start worrying about your own sanity and survival.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have no words. Prayers for you.
     
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If I were you I would print this out to keep in a special file folder for written things you get from him. I think keeping a history, in their own words is helpful for us in how we deal with them in the future. It is too easy to "forget" what was said, but having tangible evidence will help you to use caution in dealing with him in the future. It is HORRID what he has said to you. Believe me when I say what I see when I read this is the whole intention here is to take a big dump on you. This is why I say it should never be forgotten. I think, if you use the psychological term called transference - he is transferring what he feels about himself onto the rest of the family. It sounds as he has made one bad choice after another (which is a theme in the letter but is you did, you did, you did, instead of I did, I did, I did) If he is in the earlier stages of actual recovery, he may find comfort in blaming others for what his addiction has caused in his own life and parroting back what he hears others saying. With addicts it certainly can devolve into a situation about blame. That is a huge warning sign though because in order to really become clean, you have to take the step where you deal with the harm you have brought to others. This letter certainly shows that no only is he not ready to do his own self inventory but has found an excuse to blame anyone or anything for where he has found himself in life now.

    Don't fall for it - he is where he is because he put himself there. You were in your right mind when he was leading his life down a sick and dark path. You could not have saved him from himself and you have nothing to apologize to him for.
    Here is an example: here he says bad things about you, from his point of view. But who made you unhappy? Gossiping is probably relating how you refused to keep his dirty little secrets of what he was up to, to yourself. UN-loyal? To him because you enabled - or got to the point you were unwilling to enable?
    And so on and so on.
    About the only person this kind of rubbish would make any sense to in reality is him. He has once again stricken you with hate filled words. Words that mean nothing, the sole purpose is to bring you down to the same type of pain he is in having destroyed his life by his choice!
    This is pure self loathing for the problems he has brought upon himself. Maybe he wrote this as he is now at an age where he, himself, fears for the future of his life. The abandonment he speaks of, I am going to go out on a limb and say, that he was put out of the house because he refused to follow reasonable rules.

    Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of trying to make sense out of nonsense. You guys have been through he!! and back with him and now it is all your fault? I don't think so and neither should you.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS..... I am so sorry he is being so awful in his writing to you.. I hope he really is in some kind of rehab program and is really working. The positive I see i this is he is asking for space to do this himself,.... and he really does need to do this himself. He is being very hurtful in the process and that may be part of his process. He clearly is angry about some things and is blaming but again that may be part of his process. I would take what he says with a grain of salt. You know all that you have done for him and all that he has put you through. This blaming the family (you and his wife) is a bit ridiculous really. He is now a grown man and it is time he takes responsibility for the situation he is in. Hopefully he will get further along in recovery and at that point stop all the blaming and really look at himself. And of course he may not get further in recovery but you have no control over that, it is up to him.I think this is a time to let go yet some more and let him find his way and focus on yourself and the grands. Do something nice for yourself.

    I like the idea of keeping a folder of his writings to keep the history and remind yourself of how awful he can be, when you need the strength to step back.


    Hugs....
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS you do not have to explain anything about what he said. It is his addiction speaking. He is all over the place. I know what he said is difficult to hear but it is not him, it's the drugs and alcohol.

    The sores on your daughter in law's face may also be due to heroin use.

    LMS go on with your life. I suspect you will hear from him sooner than you think. But he needs help and if this program will help that's great. Hopefully when you do hear from him again it will be him talking, not the drugs.

    Sending comforting hugs to a hurting mommy's heart.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS, I am so sorry that you are going through this again.

    I think you will know that he is truly on his way to recovery when he starts accepting that he alone is responsible for his problems and stops lashing out and blaming others. Until then, I think you should give him the space he is asking for and use this time to find some peace.

    Besides, he is not homeless. He is in rehab and is expected to work. What's wrong with that?

    ~Kathy
     
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    So sorry for the hurtful words he used and all you are going through. He is playing the blame game and until he reaches reality & accountability he will remain unfocused & believe his lies. It's true, the drugs are speaking, not your son. ((Hugs)) don't give up hope!
     
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    When I read speed freak and sores on her face, I thought meth.
    You have done everything in the world for this man. I agree with the others- that is the addict talking, not your son...hopefully he does stay in rehab and comes out with a better outlook!
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter still has a bad complexion (scars) from her meth days. Be careful before you defend her. Meth causes facial sores. My daughter is upset at the marks on her face from a habit long over, but...yeah.
     
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    One of the tell tale signs with my daughter was the horrible complexion. It is sooo much better when she is clean!
     
  12. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I've been on this site since 1999 and I know how hard you and your husband have worked to help your sons. You two should hold your heads high because you have gone above and beyond for those boys. I truly hope that your son will get his act together and get clean. If his ability, in his mind, to get clean can only be done by cutting off contact, then so be it... Hopefully, like MWM's daughter, he will come back to you when he is ready and able to be a son, a father, a husband and a friend. If he doesn't, it is NOT on you.

    As for your daughter in law, all you can do is offer love and support to her and your grandchildren. I don't know anything about meth but do you think mentioning drug use to her mom might help?
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like drug crapola and poor me stuff. My daughter told me, the day I made her leave, that she would never ever speak to me again. Didn't happen.

    I'm sorry he hurt you when you so don't deserve it. Right now he is very sick. If it were me, and this IS what I did, I'd let it go and see what happens. Focus on the other parts of your life that are better. At least he is agreeing that his life is up to HIM now.

    Hoping for the best and sending healing vibes. Hugs!!!!
     
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry I have not responded sooner...I am having a problem with my computer and am using my phone right now to post. Thank you all for your thoughtful reply's. I will post more when I can get through on home computer again.
    Love,
    LMS
     
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lms, Thank you for sharing his post. We see you here, and we see him here, clearly. Let him go, for now.

    I will bet you anything he will be back, sooner rather than later.

    I would offer silence back to him right now. I would say nothing. Instead, you and your husband---turn, and walk in a new direction, a direction that leads to happiness and peace and joy for the both of you.

    In time, your son will come back. And in the meantime, you will have enjoyed the peace and the quiet that HE has established and created.

    Warm hugs. We get it.
     
  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    What a relief it is to be able to post again from my home computer...It helps that husband is a network engineer and he asked me to "reproduce the problem" so he could troubleshoot and fix it.

    This got me to thinking about what donedad said...about justify what I did/didn't do while raising him. And...so wishing I could go back in time, "reproduce the problem" so as to fix it...sigh.

    I wish I could go back to a time I remember laying on my son's bedroom floor, beneath their bunkbeds reading "Hank the Cow Dog", lol...to swimming birthday parties, skating rink parties, to the tire swing in the front yard...usually with sweet easy child on the swing while the boys were of course climbing to the heighest point on the tree...always risk-takers! It wasn't far from the whiskey barrel that spilled out beautiful pansies below an Oak. Those were such sweet and simple times.

    It seems as though most of our Difficult Child lead charmed lives...parents who cared about their homework/good education, had them involved with sports activities, church, awesome trips, etc. These were well-loved children...well cared-for children. But addiction doesn't care!

    I guess you could say I had a "moment of weakness" night before last. I texted son and asked him if he was okay? and he said, "Yes, I'm ok." He then called me yesterday morning and really only wanted to know why he couldn't get ahold of daughter in law...apparently she couldn't pay her bill til yesterday afternoon. It was alright that he "used me" in this way...because I also used him. See...I wanted reasurrance and I wanted to hear him tell me "I love you mom"...which he did.

    Thank you Svengandhi for the validation of all we have been through for our son's. It's sad though...just last night tears began to roll from husband's eyes as I had gotten alittle chocked up when remembering son as a tiny boy. Sad...that husband is left feeling like somewhat of a failure when it comes to raising our son's.
    For this reason, husband doesn't like to coach the boys team at the bowling alley...primarily focuses on the girls because he feels he has a problem "teaching" boys. And husband is not a man who knows failure very often!

    For me...it was my life's ambition to be a mom. LOL my own mother has often said, "LMS. I don't understand how I, as a single mom who had to focus on her career, could have raised you to have such little ambition!" Her words sting...for that is exactly why! I wanted a family...I wanted us to belong to each other...I wanted the "picturesque" American dream...

    I feel like I'm rambling I suppose...
    The good news right now is that son is apparently still in this new Rehab program he described in his text to me. The bad news is that I don't know how long it will last...seems he doesn't get treatment that he needs for very long before he moves on to something else. I know he was still working as of yesterday...but I spoke with daughter in law last night and she had apparently talked to son. Son begged her to come visit him at the shelter/rehab program...but daughter in law told him she really wants a divorce. daughter in law said that son said he didn't know how long he could hold on to his current job as he was feeling "emotionally unstable".
    So we wait. ...as do so many of us here on the board...waiting to see what direction son will go next.

    I have reminded him several times over the past few yrs that he comes from " a long line of survivors"...and that he can do this...get out of this hole he has dug. I pray he will "stop digging"...and just embrace the help being offered, take the hand, and climb out. We shall see...

    Thank you all again for your caring reply's.
    Love,
    LMS
     
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    LMS it sounds like you had a good conversation with him. Hang onto that and remember it. My son went to the salvation army rehab once and ended up just staying for three mobths after getting kicked out twice for using. That wasn't "the bottom" either but who is to say that the culmination of all of the rehabs together finally started to penetrate perhaps.

    I don't know the answer or the combination that works. I think it is time and prayer and getting older and rehab and people stopping enabling and who knows what else? And even when progress happens it may or may not stick.

    I am still learning this. I am glad you have these loving but grief filled memories. We want so much to return to when times were good but we also realize that is not only possible but perhaps not even desirable.

    We are all a product of our own journeys and most of us have experienced tremendous pain grief and growth if we are lucky from it all.

    Perhaps that is just the way of the world. Who would ever have thought we on this site would have to endure what we have?

    I am grateful that I don't know the future and I am coming to realize that there is an equal chance for great joy as there is the same chance for great pain.

    What I am going to do, today, to try to live the best possible life I can live? Part of that answer for me includes letting go of people places and things and as you are, remembering the blessed sweet moments and look forward but do not expect more of those moments in my future.

    You have a solid perspective and I am praying today that your son hears something new in a new way where he is right now. And in the meantime you and your Husband can focus on yourselves and enjoy today.

    Thank you for sharing here. Please keep posting.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Childofmine...
    How interesting. I never knew that your son was in the Salvation Army rehab...this is exactly where my son is!

    Thank you also for the reassurance that my son may hear something new...or even not so new...but that it might finally make sense to him.

    And...I am reminded as I read your post about "an equal chance for great joy as there is the same chance for great pain"...of that Helen Keller quote: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure."

    We, on the board, are acutely aware of what it means to walk bravely as we continue to take our next breathe. Full of the unknown...so much uncertainty, but yet still, with hope in our hearts.

    Life is certainly a daring adventure for us all!
    LMS
     
  19. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Wow, that was gut wrenching to read. I can only imagine how you feel. I'm so very sorry you are having to endure this. Please just keep reminding yourself this is not him talking. **hugs**
     
  20. Rina

    Rina Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this mess. I agree with the poster who stated that he's transferring his feelings towards himself to you. Maybe going no contact for a while is a good idea - could give you some breathing space.
    Take care.
     
Loading...