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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 688176" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Copa, I think we can go out of our minds trying to figure out to do more, or less, or one more thing, or give them one more day, or say this one additional thing, or stop and say no more...on and on. There is no possible way to know for sure what is best for them. Only they can decide what is best for them, and when, and how, and why.</p><p></p><p>I spent months and years trying to do the above, and I thought I would go absolutely crazy trying to figure how the "right" thing to do.</p><p></p><p>In the end, it came down to this, for me...figuring out what worked for ME, not for him. And in our culture today, we moms and dads, it sounds awful to put "us" first. What about our hurting, struggling, sick, disabled, mentally ill kids? What about them? </p><p></p><p>Well, what about them? If they will not get help and comply with help and refuse to conform to any real level, we can only stop the madness of trying and trying...trying so hard...to make another human being do something they absolutely do not want to do.</p><p></p><p>I believe the energy has to shift to us, and to our lives, and yes, I know there are so many variables, and diagnoses and specific situations that are different, and that is why it is up to each person to set their own boundaries and ground rules and to know when they are done or not done, and when they want to try again, or not try again...and letting each other have that respect and dignity to figure it out for ourselves, what works for us, just for today, is a worthy goal here. </p><p></p><p>I can only imagine that is was very hard for you to say no more this time. I know he made progress, and has made progress, and that makes it ever more confusing and hard to set a new boundary.</p><p></p><p>But I think you are doing what works for you, today. And that can change, and you are the only one, who gets to say when that change occurs. </p><p></p><p>I remember in Al-Anon there was once a very strong focus on this Phrase: You have choices. </p><p></p><p>I think many of us felt that we actually had NO choices, that we were at the beck and call and whim of our addicts and mentally ill persons who we love so much. </p><p></p><p>But we do have choices. For some of us, for me, I learned that for me and my Difficult Child, my highest and greatest love for him was illustrated by leaving him alone for long periods of time. Just completely getting out of the way and staying out of the way. So he could figure his own life out.</p><p></p><p>That was very very hard for me to do. But it was right for me and for him, in this case. That doesn't mean it would be right, or maybe it would be right, for anyone else.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you today. I can only hope and pray that something good comes from this, and he will again take another step forward. His choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 688176, member: 17542"] Copa, I think we can go out of our minds trying to figure out to do more, or less, or one more thing, or give them one more day, or say this one additional thing, or stop and say no more...on and on. There is no possible way to know for sure what is best for them. Only they can decide what is best for them, and when, and how, and why. I spent months and years trying to do the above, and I thought I would go absolutely crazy trying to figure how the "right" thing to do. In the end, it came down to this, for me...figuring out what worked for ME, not for him. And in our culture today, we moms and dads, it sounds awful to put "us" first. What about our hurting, struggling, sick, disabled, mentally ill kids? What about them? Well, what about them? If they will not get help and comply with help and refuse to conform to any real level, we can only stop the madness of trying and trying...trying so hard...to make another human being do something they absolutely do not want to do. I believe the energy has to shift to us, and to our lives, and yes, I know there are so many variables, and diagnoses and specific situations that are different, and that is why it is up to each person to set their own boundaries and ground rules and to know when they are done or not done, and when they want to try again, or not try again...and letting each other have that respect and dignity to figure it out for ourselves, what works for us, just for today, is a worthy goal here. I can only imagine that is was very hard for you to say no more this time. I know he made progress, and has made progress, and that makes it ever more confusing and hard to set a new boundary. But I think you are doing what works for you, today. And that can change, and you are the only one, who gets to say when that change occurs. I remember in Al-Anon there was once a very strong focus on this Phrase: You have choices. I think many of us felt that we actually had NO choices, that we were at the beck and call and whim of our addicts and mentally ill persons who we love so much. But we do have choices. For some of us, for me, I learned that for me and my Difficult Child, my highest and greatest love for him was illustrated by leaving him alone for long periods of time. Just completely getting out of the way and staying out of the way. So he could figure his own life out. That was very very hard for me to do. But it was right for me and for him, in this case. That doesn't mean it would be right, or maybe it would be right, for anyone else. Warm hugs for you today. I can only hope and pray that something good comes from this, and he will again take another step forward. His choice. [/QUOTE]
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