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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 688181" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You see, Albatross, he did buy in--to the part of it he wanted: housing and proximity to us. He never did buy in to his part: commit to work, no marijuana. Even though that too, was for him. He said, yes, to the house, yes to our home, yes to a million ways his life got better--I mean it really did. He worked alongside other men. He had neighbors who watched out for him with whom he felt a community. He had stability and security.</p><p></p><p>But to him, this was not worth, something in return. The acceptance of any condition. Telling the truth.</p><p></p><p>He played along and he played us.</p><p></p><p>It will be a while before I extend a hand or believe anything he says unless he shows me with deeds that it is his decision.</p><p>Yes. This is it. Seeing it this way hurts. But it is true.</p><p></p><p>There was an inequality in the balance of power. He saw it as submitting to a forced choice, to get something he needed and wanted. Housing.</p><p></p><p>He felt all of the other things, our conditions to be something forced upon him. So he opposed them. With stealth. Kind of like a master-slave relationship. When the master was away, he asserted or subverted--covertly. He resisted.</p><p></p><p>It is all so clear now.</p><p></p><p>Does this mean that the whole idea is wrong--that we help him with housing? I do not know now.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>But I need to understand too, how I help or hurt my son. So as to know what to do. Engaging in some arrangement with him that will backfire sooner or later, is not what works for me. (Except, I can decide to see what has happened as not a failure, but a course--to be followed or not by another.) What I do not and cannot allow of myself is elf-deception. Engaging in a relationship that feels like it is support but is corrupted, from the start.</p><p></p><p>I have culpability here, too, if it was an illusion--a power play by me--in the guise of something else.</p><p></p><p>As sure as day he will approach us and want to try again.</p><p>While I can see this for you, COM, it is hard for me to accept that those years when my son was away--and I closed my heart--was my greatest hour.</p><p></p><p>These few months of closeness, I opened my heart again. How was it wrong that I did this? That is the struggle.</p><p>Yes. And no. My son succeeded in mooching on people and getting SSI. Becoming homeless and couch surfing.</p><p></p><p>The accomplishments of the past year? No longer violent or argumentative with us. Docile with M. Moderately respectful towards me. Loving sometimes.</p><p></p><p>Has completely curbed his talking to me about conspiracy theories.</p><p></p><p>Hardly a life plan.</p><p>No.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, in some ways I am more confused than when I started this thread. I agree with RE. I see things the same way. When we set boundaries, and require good behavior towards us--they change--in themselves.</p><p></p><p>But I agree with COM, too, in principle. That leaving them alone to figure out their lives makes sense, too.</p><p></p><p>How I can reconcile the two, is that our kids are different. I do not believe that my son is going to come up with and implement a life plan alone. at this point. He is going to need support.</p><p></p><p>I know he wants to go back to college. Some day. I realize I cannot control the doing of this. Ever.</p><p></p><p>Securing an apartment, finding a room in a house with others, with a rental agreement, honestly, I do not see my son doing this, anytime soon. I am not sure why. Because he has not done it, yet?</p><p></p><p>I guess all I can do right now is go on with my own life. He will call. That I know. He will think it through. He will come up with something.</p><p></p><p>Having this thread is so helpful, because it will be a map of where we have been, the wrong turns, and where we need to go. He will have to address each and every single wrong turn and come up with a plan to address it that makes sense.</p><p></p><p>There will no place to stay, upfront. He knows now what is possible, he just needs to decide if it is worth it. He is presented with a fork in the road. Let him decide.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 688181, member: 18958"] You see, Albatross, he did buy in--to the part of it he wanted: housing and proximity to us. He never did buy in to his part: commit to work, no marijuana. Even though that too, was for him. He said, yes, to the house, yes to our home, yes to a million ways his life got better--I mean it really did. He worked alongside other men. He had neighbors who watched out for him with whom he felt a community. He had stability and security. But to him, this was not worth, something in return. The acceptance of any condition. Telling the truth. He played along and he played us. It will be a while before I extend a hand or believe anything he says unless he shows me with deeds that it is his decision. Yes. This is it. Seeing it this way hurts. But it is true. There was an inequality in the balance of power. He saw it as submitting to a forced choice, to get something he needed and wanted. Housing. He felt all of the other things, our conditions to be something forced upon him. So he opposed them. With stealth. Kind of like a master-slave relationship. When the master was away, he asserted or subverted--covertly. He resisted. It is all so clear now. Does this mean that the whole idea is wrong--that we help him with housing? I do not know now. Yes. But I need to understand too, how I help or hurt my son. So as to know what to do. Engaging in some arrangement with him that will backfire sooner or later, is not what works for me. (Except, I can decide to see what has happened as not a failure, but a course--to be followed or not by another.) What I do not and cannot allow of myself is elf-deception. Engaging in a relationship that feels like it is support but is corrupted, from the start. I have culpability here, too, if it was an illusion--a power play by me--in the guise of something else. As sure as day he will approach us and want to try again. While I can see this for you, COM, it is hard for me to accept that those years when my son was away--and I closed my heart--was my greatest hour. These few months of closeness, I opened my heart again. How was it wrong that I did this? That is the struggle. Yes. And no. My son succeeded in mooching on people and getting SSI. Becoming homeless and couch surfing. The accomplishments of the past year? No longer violent or argumentative with us. Docile with M. Moderately respectful towards me. Loving sometimes. Has completely curbed his talking to me about conspiracy theories. Hardly a life plan. No. Honestly, in some ways I am more confused than when I started this thread. I agree with RE. I see things the same way. When we set boundaries, and require good behavior towards us--they change--in themselves. But I agree with COM, too, in principle. That leaving them alone to figure out their lives makes sense, too. How I can reconcile the two, is that our kids are different. I do not believe that my son is going to come up with and implement a life plan alone. at this point. He is going to need support. I know he wants to go back to college. Some day. I realize I cannot control the doing of this. Ever. Securing an apartment, finding a room in a house with others, with a rental agreement, honestly, I do not see my son doing this, anytime soon. I am not sure why. Because he has not done it, yet? I guess all I can do right now is go on with my own life. He will call. That I know. He will think it through. He will come up with something. Having this thread is so helpful, because it will be a map of where we have been, the wrong turns, and where we need to go. He will have to address each and every single wrong turn and come up with a plan to address it that makes sense. There will no place to stay, upfront. He knows now what is possible, he just needs to decide if it is worth it. He is presented with a fork in the road. Let him decide. [/QUOTE]
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