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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 688215" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I don't know how it is with your son but that would not work with my daughter. She knows the "carrots" to dangle in front of me if I were to ask her what she wanted and a commitment to working together. For my daughter, she will tell me whatever I want to here to get what she wants or needs for as long as she needs it or until she, like your son, begins "slipping" and it all falls apart.</p><p></p><p>I don't think they know what they want. I don't think they can follow through with even simple goals for long. I think it may, sometimes, start out with good intentions. I think they may even believe themselves when they tell us the things we want to hear. But old habits, old behaviors, old ways of thinking are too hard to let go of and it is too much work, too much effort to consciously create new behaviors, habits, thinking patterns. Because it would have to be a conscious effort, a rebuilding of self. A form of reflection they aren't ready to see. </p><p></p><p>Many adults never make it to a level of self-reflection that directs their thinking to themselves - what did I do in this situation? what can I do differently? what is my responsibility/role in this? how did I affect others? </p><p></p><p>Many adults never make it to any other point of view but their own, look at things from another person's experiences, feelings, role in a situation.</p><p></p><p>And we are dealing with "adults" who are already operating at a lower level than normal of self-reflection, abstract thinking, and responsibility and a higher than normal level of impulsivity, sense of entitlement, and immaturity. Add to that addiction...psychological disorders...past traumas...feelings of abandonment...self-loathing...insecurity... a host of other things our adult children deal with in combination, and there is so, so much for them to overcome. </p><p></p><p>If I could transplant my sense of self, dignity, motivation, and independence into my daughter, I would. But I can't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 688215, member: 19905"] I don't know how it is with your son but that would not work with my daughter. She knows the "carrots" to dangle in front of me if I were to ask her what she wanted and a commitment to working together. For my daughter, she will tell me whatever I want to here to get what she wants or needs for as long as she needs it or until she, like your son, begins "slipping" and it all falls apart. I don't think they know what they want. I don't think they can follow through with even simple goals for long. I think it may, sometimes, start out with good intentions. I think they may even believe themselves when they tell us the things we want to hear. But old habits, old behaviors, old ways of thinking are too hard to let go of and it is too much work, too much effort to consciously create new behaviors, habits, thinking patterns. Because it would have to be a conscious effort, a rebuilding of self. A form of reflection they aren't ready to see. Many adults never make it to a level of self-reflection that directs their thinking to themselves - what did I do in this situation? what can I do differently? what is my responsibility/role in this? how did I affect others? Many adults never make it to any other point of view but their own, look at things from another person's experiences, feelings, role in a situation. And we are dealing with "adults" who are already operating at a lower level than normal of self-reflection, abstract thinking, and responsibility and a higher than normal level of impulsivity, sense of entitlement, and immaturity. Add to that addiction...psychological disorders...past traumas...feelings of abandonment...self-loathing...insecurity... a host of other things our adult children deal with in combination, and there is so, so much for them to overcome. If I could transplant my sense of self, dignity, motivation, and independence into my daughter, I would. But I can't. [/QUOTE]
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