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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="DarkwingPsyduck" data-source="post: 688218" data-attributes="member: 20267"><p>I had a girlfriend who I started dating months after my mom died. I love her more than anything. And she put up with me at my absolute worst. I had many plans with her. After 4 years together, I genuinely never considered that I may lose her at some point. She was perfect. And the <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> she put up with... She was a recreational drinker, and smoked some pot here and there, but I was the junkie. Kept her up countless nights with cold sweats, and my incessant kicking. Her mom allowed me to stay in their home for long stretches of time. Literally, I would not have survived without her. Then I got clean, and everything changed. I don't understand it even now, a few years after the fact. She actually ended up leaving the night after we had the other baby, Chris, taken from us by CPS. Not a very good couple of days for me. I was more shocked than anything, though. I mean, the thought of not having her around never once crossed my mind. The closest thing I had to any long term plans all included her. And weren't possible without her.</p><p></p><p>So, here I am, unable to answer what should be a simple question about what I would like out of life. Even if I try to imagine that EVERYTHING in my life was perfect, I still cannot tell you what I'd want from it. The only tangible things I had for years were this girlfriend, and my group of friends who helped keep me alive. I don't have those things anymore, and I am struggling to find purpose outside of them. When you become addicted to drugs, EVERYTHING you enjoy slowly falls to the side. Even the things you enjoy most of all. Your hobbies, your taste in music, even your sex drive. None of those things are going to help get you drugs, and will probably hinder the pursuit by wasting time and money on them. So they no longer matter. Plans you busted your ass for your entire life goes next. Then your relationships with the people you love, and (in my case) the very few who truly love you back. Until you are left with NOTHING but the drug, and the pursuit of the drug. So, when you sober up, you don't have a life to really go back it. It is what makes it so <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />ing difficult, and scary. Slowly, you will begin to enjoy music again, sleep starts going back to normal, sex drive returns, etc. But you are left with the consequences of your actions during all the time you were using. This usually means burned bridges with those loved ones, loss of employment, and goals you were actively pursuing before the drugs. </p><p></p><p>I really just do not know. I haven't been clean for that long, though. Just recently, I have started getting somewhat back to normal physically. More motivation, more energy, better appetite, more sleep, etc. We don't ruin our lives overnight, and we cannot expect to repair them over night, It takes time. It is a process. I am working on the things I can change for now. Maybe, after I am more grounded, I will be able to provide a better answer to your question. It seems like I have come a very long way, but I haven't. Not in the grand scheme of things. I have only gotten through the easy part, and I am struggling to get through this more difficult part. I still feel almost completely useless much of the time. </p><p></p><p>Sorry. I didn't mean to ramble on about my <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />. Just reflecting.</p><p></p><p>I genuinely wish I had had somebody like you. Not saying that would have saved me from all of this, but nobody offered me any second or third chance (aside from this aunt, recently). If your son doesn't learn that he is much luckier than many of us, he is going to have a rough time with real humility. He is being given an opportunity that not everybody gets. It is his responsibility to take advantage of that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DarkwingPsyduck, post: 688218, member: 20267"] I had a girlfriend who I started dating months after my mom died. I love her more than anything. And she put up with me at my absolute worst. I had many plans with her. After 4 years together, I genuinely never considered that I may lose her at some point. She was perfect. And the :censored2: she put up with... She was a recreational drinker, and smoked some pot here and there, but I was the junkie. Kept her up countless nights with cold sweats, and my incessant kicking. Her mom allowed me to stay in their home for long stretches of time. Literally, I would not have survived without her. Then I got clean, and everything changed. I don't understand it even now, a few years after the fact. She actually ended up leaving the night after we had the other baby, Chris, taken from us by CPS. Not a very good couple of days for me. I was more shocked than anything, though. I mean, the thought of not having her around never once crossed my mind. The closest thing I had to any long term plans all included her. And weren't possible without her. So, here I am, unable to answer what should be a simple question about what I would like out of life. Even if I try to imagine that EVERYTHING in my life was perfect, I still cannot tell you what I'd want from it. The only tangible things I had for years were this girlfriend, and my group of friends who helped keep me alive. I don't have those things anymore, and I am struggling to find purpose outside of them. When you become addicted to drugs, EVERYTHING you enjoy slowly falls to the side. Even the things you enjoy most of all. Your hobbies, your taste in music, even your sex drive. None of those things are going to help get you drugs, and will probably hinder the pursuit by wasting time and money on them. So they no longer matter. Plans you busted your ass for your entire life goes next. Then your relationships with the people you love, and (in my case) the very few who truly love you back. Until you are left with NOTHING but the drug, and the pursuit of the drug. So, when you sober up, you don't have a life to really go back it. It is what makes it so :censored2:ing difficult, and scary. Slowly, you will begin to enjoy music again, sleep starts going back to normal, sex drive returns, etc. But you are left with the consequences of your actions during all the time you were using. This usually means burned bridges with those loved ones, loss of employment, and goals you were actively pursuing before the drugs. I really just do not know. I haven't been clean for that long, though. Just recently, I have started getting somewhat back to normal physically. More motivation, more energy, better appetite, more sleep, etc. We don't ruin our lives overnight, and we cannot expect to repair them over night, It takes time. It is a process. I am working on the things I can change for now. Maybe, after I am more grounded, I will be able to provide a better answer to your question. It seems like I have come a very long way, but I haven't. Not in the grand scheme of things. I have only gotten through the easy part, and I am struggling to get through this more difficult part. I still feel almost completely useless much of the time. Sorry. I didn't mean to ramble on about my :censored2:. Just reflecting. I genuinely wish I had had somebody like you. Not saying that would have saved me from all of this, but nobody offered me any second or third chance (aside from this aunt, recently). If your son doesn't learn that he is much luckier than many of us, he is going to have a rough time with real humility. He is being given an opportunity that not everybody gets. It is his responsibility to take advantage of that. [/QUOTE]
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