my son on his own

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am trying to make a new post. I was formerly my son in jail. However he is out now and living in a dump with a friend. It is horrible and I need all the detaching help I can get. thanks
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hey, why don't you check out the watercooler forum and tell us about your daughter's wedding plans----you need to shift off thinking about your son.....he'll survive.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Susan, you did good. I'm glad you started a new thread! :thumbsup:

    You need help with detaching? Have you gone back to read old posts? Have you read the archives of this forum? How about the archives to the General forum? There is a lot of information there about a variety of subjects and detaching is a biggie.

    Diversion is a huge help, too. That's what WMM is suggesting---focus on daughter's happy times ahead instead of son's dreary times now. It's part of The Serenity Prayer with the knowing what you can control and what you can't and the wisdom to know the difference. It takes discipline and we all falter from time to time but you get back in the saddle again.

    Don't give up.

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I'm gonna try something with you.

    "My son in jail" was a title to one of your posts. It was a very long, drawn out post. Perhaps because you did not know better. Perhaps because that is all you knew. Perhaps because you clung to it. For whatever reason, you chose to keep that post open way longer than he actually was in jail. I responded to you many, many times on that post, trying to help you detach, but you still seem to be struggling.

    You just now started a new post. I was very happy to see that! But you started out by saying "I was formerly 'my son in jail'".

    "My son in Jail" does not define you. You are letting it define you. You are letting it consume you. "I am the lady with the son in jail." And now "I am the lady with the son in a dump". You know what? Your son has a roof over his head. There are many warrior moms here who are not sure if their child has one of those. I am not trying to pick on you, I am trying to put this into perspective.

    When your son tries to blame you, it is not because he believes it is your fault. It is because he is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. And it is working! Don't let it. He is playing you like a violin. Don't allow that.

    Don't you have a wedding to think about? Stop letting your son and his BS own you. Remember, "my son in jail" does not define you.

    "Stands with courage". THAT defines you.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OK thanks for all of your help. I hope I can live up to Stands With courage. I am still standing. I will reread the posts and have fun with my daughter. Please keep reminding me.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yes. You are still standing. And that takes courage.

    There is NO question who you are.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks! you guys help me have courage! :smile:
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Change your name to Mysonlivesinadump...lmao.Let it define him...not you.

    Personally I have lived in many a dump and been pretty happy in them. It isnt always the outside that makes one happy.

    He will be fine...or not. Up to him now.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    The fact that your son lives anywhere but with you is definately Cause for Applause!

    You have already taken the biggest step in detachment. Continue to practice, practice, practice! Of course we'll keep reminding you!!

    Good words given by everyone. I'm glad you're with us!!

  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    lmao to dammit janet.
    ant has lived in so many dumps. scarey dumps. I swear you could drop ant off naked in an inner city area and he would walk out wearing designer clothes, smoking a cig and swaggering down the street with a girl on his arm.

    now ant lives in a nice apartment but only after he had decided he hated the dump. it meant him working hard and coming up with the rent money.

    the dump will teach your son to appreciate it when he's "moving on up"
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Hopefully he might be moving on up. He got a job today at Pizza Inn so he says. My husband took him to it after he showed up at our door about 5:30 in the afternoon. We havent heaard from him anymore - hope he got a ride back home. I hope he can continue it - he had a 40 hour a week job and lost it for marijuana possession. I just dont understand how they can live like that - I hope my husband can go get him if he needs it - I cant. It is not good for me to go. Thanks for helping me. I went to Alanon last night. I really get a lot of support from those people. This is hard for me. :rolleyes:
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Antsmom! :rofl: :rofl: You are probably right. That is the best way to describe Ant!!

    SWC - here is a hug. Things have been rough for you. You have to let your son sink or swim. I hope he swims - but sometimes it takes these kids longer to swim. So be patient.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tell ya change your name and I will change mine. When Cory gets bailed out...which he is fixing to do since he found a bail bondsman who is willing to take his money, he is going to go live in a tent!

    Sooooo...I will be Mysonlivesinatent and you can be Mysonlivesinadump

    LMAO. Together we can be Mykidsliveinadumpytent!!!!
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    And I will still be Mykidliveswithaknob.
  15. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Janet, my son was living in a tent too, when he ran away to Virginia with his druggie girlfriend at the time. The best part is, even though he was planning to live in a tent, she still had to talk him out of his original destination, Canada in February!
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is so funny!! Thanks for making me laugh! :rofl:
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I love the names. Maybe we should all come up with them.
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Somebody help me! I just dont understand this craziness. The support here is wonderful. My son got a job. He still lives in the dump but he has been able to come home around the time I get off teaching school just in time for me to take him to work. Then he starts about he doesnt know how he is going to get to his probation meetings, drug classes, GED classes, etc. He is anxious about it and it makes me crazy because I cannot take off from school in the middle of the day to take him to work, etc.! My husband has been taking him back to the dump. There is no one in that household that has a drivers license but they all drive one car that has an expired tag!!!! Sooooooo I dont really want my son to get in trouble but I dont know what to do to help him. If we allow him to come back home (which my husband already said no) it might be easier on us to take him to work and etc. but already it has increased my anxiety and my sons. I dont know why! It consumes me - his anxiousness. I understand it. He said if we had allowed him to come home the night he got out of jail none of this would have happened. He said whos fault is it and I said it was his. He said it was my husbands fault (his dad). Sooo my question is - what do I do? It seems crazy all this stuff - he doesnt have a car - no one to take him to work, etc. What does he do? He doesnt want to get violated! What do I do to help? Should we consider taking him back home. He said he was doing good - whatever. I told him it would take more than a few weeks for me to be a believer. :crazy2:
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You're kidding, right?
  20. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, gee, who did the actions that got him in jail? You? Your husband? Santa Claus? Oh, no, it must have been the Tooth Fairy ... you know, the one who forgot to leave Tink some money!

    Sounds like he's learned very little. He definitely has the "poor me" card down well. He's doing an excellent job of making you feel guilty and he's obviously taking no responsibility.

    Was the dump in the middle of nowhere his only choice of a place to live? Does he have a bike at home? If so, give him his old bike. It is a legal means of transportation. Heck, you might even want to consider buying him a good used one if he doesn't have one. Walking really is an option. Many people do it even today and not just for exercise even though that would be an added benefit. It may mean that he has to get moving 3 hours before an appointment, but that's the way it is when you live in the boonies and have no transportation. If he were my son, I might (and the operative word is MIGHT depending on how much he is willing to accept his responsibility in his plight) be willing to take him home after any meetings, but daylight things are his responsibility.

    You shouldn't have to take off from work. Heck, you shouldn't even have to take him when you get done teaching. You deserve a break and some down time before going home and doing all the chores teaching entails. Plus, you have a wedding to plan, a house to run, a family that needs you. He's an adult living on his own.