My son told me he got stabbed. I can't stop shaking.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son called me, after 5 weeks hearing nothing.

    I had told him that I would think about blocking his calls, if he continued disrespecting me, by mocking abuse I experienced by my father.

    So, he cut me off.

    He says he was attacked by several men with knives, was stabbed, hospitalized and had surgery during this interval.

    I was OK for the first 20 minutes after we hung up. Now, I cannot stop shaking. I want to go and find him and just watch him so I know he is safe. And not let him leave. Ever.

    But I do not know where he is staying except the general area.

    You know how a scared dog shakes? Tremors that come from deep inside. Uncontrollable tremors. I am that dog.

    What follows was written before I turned into a terrified animal:

    My son baits Meth addicts, because they trigger him. He thinks they do not have the where with all to be a threat to him because they are disorganized and ineffective. The men who attacked him, knew who he was, remembered him and came after him. Perhaps now, he understands. But I do not think so.

    When he gets his SSI check he will return to live on the street in the metropolitan area near us, to avoid the street life here in our smaller town.

    Then he mentioned going to Montana. We know nobody there, nor have we ever been nearby. What about the cold?

    I could not help but say, would it not be easier to go back to college?

    He seems to not understand, still, that others expect him to pay his way. Especially since he gets free money (SSI.) He counters that he is still symptomatic so cannot work.

    OK, your choice, but accept that others may still expect you to pay your part, and resent it when you do not.

    If your symptoms are bothersome, and restrict you, get treatment. Your choice.

    Does detachment require that I say nothing? I fear this is so. And I keep blowing it.

    Something must be said because it seems that my son's life may be at risk in ways I had not even thought of.

    I want him to live long enough to have a chance. One cannot teach judgment. I know that. And there is not one thing that I can do.

    I love you, I said.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2015
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa, the story makes me doubt him. It really does. It could be true and it could be a ploy for your extreme angst.

    Think about it. If he was stabbed and had surgery do you really think he wouldn't have called you? Did he mention the hospital he was in? Why won't he give you his address? Is he that brave that he wouldn't be more in fright mode after all that and maybe want to see you?

    I wouldn't worry about Montana. If he has no money except SSI he won't likely be able to get there, especially if he has a long trek. As for the cold, if he actually moves to a cold area, believe it or not, they learn to survive in the cold too. They build fires and get warm clothing from shelters. Not that this is much comfort, but I do want you to know that it is amazing how they do learn to cope.

    How did you end the conversation? Did he tell you why he called you? If he gave you no information other than to scare you, you can't help him even if you want to. So was his object to frighten you? Are you sure it is true? Did he explain his surgery? I keep coming back to that. Is he using meth now? It would seem so if he actually did have a fight with meth addicts. If not, where did he find them and did he just walk up to them all by himself and bait them?

    Copa, there is much more to this story than you were told. It doesn't make sense as a stand alone story.

    If he was just trying to scare you, it was cruel and I'm so sorry you are so scared. I would be too.

    The next time he calls with a scary story, and he will, I would say, "Son, if you want to tell me the frightening events in your life, then you also need to tell me where you are and we need to go to McDonalds and talk. I want to see you. If you won't tell me, then it is torture and please don't call me. I am here to give you love and emotional support." Don't mention money. Detachment is whatever you want it to be. There are no rules. But it is accepting that we can't change their lives...only they can...and they can have us as their biggest cheerleaders once they decide to turn it around. That isn't enabling to me.

    My heart hurts for yours and I am very sad that this happened and I hope he exaggerated or that it didn't even happen at all. Take care of yourself now. There is nothing you can do for your grown son. Go seek comfort with M. Cry. It's ok. Don't let your son pull anything like that again. Cyber-hugs from every cell in my being.
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Copa, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I've been there.

    My son called me once telling me that he had been jumped and stabbed, it turned out that it was not as serious as he wanted me to believe.
    One thing I have learned about my son is the length he will go to in an attempt to get me to feel sorry for him.
    If you have not done so already try and verify his story. It may be all true or there may be parts that are not.

    It's so hard when our Difficult Child choose to put themselves in harms way every day. They have no concern for how it affects us, the ones who love them the most.

    This is something that you cannot fix or make better. You know that your son's choices are his and whatever consequences there are, he has to deal with.

    Do your best to focus on you, focus on your breathing, slow and steady. He's alive, he's ok.

    ((HUGS)) to you Copa. Hang in there.
     
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  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Copa.

    What you wrote down is true, true and so true.

    I am definitely here with you tonight and feeling for you, going through angst with my THIRTY-FOUR yo son who has yet to figure out that he needs to get help. You do not want to be in this place when your son is 34..... and neither do I.

    These adult offspring will tug at our hearts however they can. It's easier for them to try us again than to take steps to change. They can take those steps, but they can choose not to.

    So many times husband and I tried to get help for our Difficult Child--and each time he told the therapists nothing....because Difficult Child did not feel he had a problem(?) I am so bone-tired of my Difficult Child playing the victim card. Wish he would tire of it, also.

    Copa, you hang in there! I have more years' experience, but still I get those real-life shakes.
     
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  5. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Hi Copa. I have been in your shoes with my Difficult Child 1 who is bipolar. He has told me horrendous things that have happened to him and has expressed hopelessness and rage. He has accused us of abuse and even said he was raped in a mental hospital. I was aghast and horrified, and like you shaken to the core. After examining this pattern of behavior and reassessing the "stories" I find that many of them were manufactured to elicit sympathy and some sort of response from me. They were also shared as a way to hurt me...kind of a show of power over my emotions from him to me. He knows that I would be heartsick over anything that happened to him.

    I finally told him, "I understand your life has not been easy, but I am not the person to tell these things to. I am your mom and I will no longer listen to this type of talk. Tell a friend, tell a doctor or counselor, find a member of the clergy, but not me." He said ok and I haven't been told those kind of stories again.

    My nephew who is 40 is also bipolar and living in a tent in a city in the south. He wrote my sister that he was living next to a murderer and arsonist and was in danger, could she please send him and his girlfriend money so they could get a hotel room across town. She was beside herself and when she told her doctor (she has dropped to under 100 lbs from the stress of all this) he started laughing and told her to tell him to move his tent. He called it what is was, a ruse/extortion.

    The things they come up with are unbelievable, literally. Hang in there. You are getting stronger so the ante is going to be upped in order to get a reaction from you. Hugs and more hugs.
     
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  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    When daughter would be in Intensive Care during that time she wound up in Intensive Care four times, the hospital would call us. She had no husband. As your son has no wife, I would think the hospital would have called you had your son been there for more than one night and in danger of losing his life.

    Can you call the hospital to determine the truth of your son's story?

    I agree.

    One of us here on the site told me my daughter was trying to hurt me iinto FOG so I would give her what she wanted. At the time, it was like I could not stand up, I could not think; I kept seeing her face, kept seeing the bruising and swelling. But this is what happened, Copa. We did money, we had her home, we did everything we could and she got worse.

    And she did worse things, Copa.

    Having this site is lifesaving for me. It is still very hard. I don't know what to do so much of the time, or how to get through it.

    How are you coping this morning, Copa.

    I find it suspicious that the son put you on no contact and then, comes up with a story filled with savagery and with such horrifying imagery.

    He may be doing what my daughter did, Copa.

    She did it on purpose, to hurt me into helping her again, one step at a time.

    Cedar
     
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  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How are you feeling now, Copa.

    Cedar
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am better. I am lazy and cannot seem, still, to do anything sustained and productive. But I am not desperate.

    I got hives last night or some other itchiness all over my body that I get when I am extremely nervous. I took Benadryl and slept like a baby.

    I got that way occasionally when I worked at far off places and once I accused the motel of having bed bugs.

    I am trying to not ask much of myself. Same old thing.

    Occasionally this morning, after reading your posts, I thought to myself, what do I do now if he is using Meth? Do I insist he get a drug test? He has offered, but usually tied to wanting one thing or another.

    We went through the residential drug treatment option, already. At the assessment interview, everything I had tried to do he undid. I was humiliated, ashamed, helpless and furious.

    If he is using hard drugs, I see nothing in his attitudes or choices to indicate that he wants to change one thing.

    This is the life he wants to live: No rules. No responsibilities. No obligations. Taken care of. So he can use whatever money he has to buy whatever he wants. That is it. I see no place in a life like that for me, except at the margins. I think he sees that too.

    On the phone he said he had not called me because rationally *that is his favorite word, he sees us as getting along so poorly, and fighting so much, that he accepted the reality of the situation.

    I see it as he wants his rules, and does not want a limit or a boundary and sees such as "fighting" because he fights it. And I think he sees no place in his life for a mother who does let him have pretty much all he wants.

    I do feel sad. I had kept hoping my son would "get better." Instead, he seems to be digging in and doubling down. I am seeing no difference what so ever in his way of being from the other DCs on the board, where this goes on to their 30's and then what?

    Do most of the parents just drop off the board? Where do they go?

    I asked him if he was taking his medicine, an anti-viral he needs for his liver. He hesitated and said yes, but he missed his appointment with the Hepatologist due to being hospitalized. Why did I bother to ask?

    I guess I am sadder than I thought.

    If I could just get going around the house, we could leave town. M's Mother leaves July 7th to return to Mexico.

    Do you think it is realistic to bring two dogs and a cat to go to a new big city, 3 or 4 days drive? (We are thinking we might fly with the animals, instead of driving.)

    Are there dogs in big eastern cities? Now, the dogs spend most of their day outside in the yard. But they like being inside with us.

    We have moved with one dog and a cat. But never with 2 dogs and a cat.

    It was kinda horrible, I must admit. They both got sick of the motel and began peeing on the carpet, but it got better when we got a place. We lived in a converted school bus a couple of blocks from the Pacific Ocean in the Northwest. But it worked. They had just needed to be "home."

    Thank you for checking in with me. Thank you for everything.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Copa, I'm so sorry. Our troubled kids can take us for such a big ride sometimes. As with the others, my guess is he is exaggerating his predicament to elicit sympathy so as to gain something from you. It seems to be in the 'Troubled Kid Handbook'.....for the most part, they all do this tactic in one way or the other in varying degrees. It takes us awhile to catch on and let go of the fears it brings on.

    Sounds as if you are feeling a little better. It takes us time to get back off of the fear train.

    Over time, one gets through it without too much of a ripple in the fabric of life.......We change and we grow and we heal and we get better........even when our kids stay the same.

    I think over time, those of us who have detached from the orbit of our adult children's lives and let go of believing we have any control over it, simply go on with our lives.......our troubled kids are no longer the focus of everything, we are no longer enmeshed with them in ways that take over our lives. Once we get out of that orbit, there is a whole life out there which we can now LIVE.

    It is not easy, it is not simple, it takes time, it takes a real commitment to yourself, it takes telling yourself the truth of what is. And then, accepting that truth.

    But, Copa, it IS doable. I am over here on the other side of that devastation.......just keep walking in a straight line in the direction you're going.......and you will be on the other side too.........

    Sending you a big hug.......this stuff is hard.......and you're doing it.....
     
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  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Cops let some time go by with this thing that he has called and told you. My antenna are up and I don't think you have the truth here.

    The bottom line is this: even if it did happen he survived it. He is still alive and functioning enough to call and tell you about it.

    I don't know about you but most people don't live like this. In fact I have never been around anybody who tells the tales my son tells. And especially the ones he used to tell. Right now he is looking for another job and that's fine but I don't want to hear the daily ins and outs. Let me know when you're settled and then we can all celebrate.

    Copa it is time for us. For you and for me. Get in the car with those cats and dogs and go somewhere. Do something different. Have a cocktail. Buy a sundress. Get some flowers. Go to a movie. Get some new makeup.

    Your son is a survivor. My son is a survivor. Let's let them go for a few days and focus on us.

    Warm hugs.
     
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Copa, once my son let us know about him and his roommate being attacked by a gang with knives one night. When I saw the roommate later that week and asked him if he was all right, he had no clue what I was talking about. *AWK-WARD*. I suspect you aren't getting the whole story.

    Our DCs seek out and survive a high-risk lifestyle. And THEN, as if reality isn't risky enough (!!) they have to embellish it! Crazy-making! But they will be all right.
     
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  12. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    When my son was first in jail, back in March, he was desperately hoping we would post bail. It was the only thing he would talk about, using every plea, promise and rationalization possible. On the third day he told me he had been raped. I KNEW it wasn't true..but my heart froze in my chest in fear and grief.
    Later he admitted he had made it up.
    Who can do that?
    Your son can. And mine.
     
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  13. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I understand your question about animals..are you thinking of moving, or just visiting? I live in a big east coast city and have two 65 pound dogs and 3 cats. I walk the dogs two or three times a day, and you have to pick up their poop and throw it out or flush it..that may be new to you. But overall dogs in cities are fine. Cats though..they hate change and will pee on everything. But that is my cats. Maybe they are Difficult Child cats.
     
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    A hybrid plan. Go with the 3 animals for 6 months or so, getting an apartment, to see if we can handle the winter and like it. Then, if we do, think longer term.

    We live in a small city, under 100k, although both of us are from very large cities. While living here is comfortable, there is nothing that beckons me to leave the house. And even if I decide to change that, I want more than this city has to offer.

    I have gone through a hard time, and need to feel again, that life has possibility. And for me big cities, like NYC offer possibility. While I cannot afford to live there, we can afford to live within commuting distance. That is what we hope to do.

    It sounds like it is doable, but we have got to get the dogs on a schedule. And with that handled the other hard parts will be the trek and then, the interim period while we look for a place. (We're still talking dog-centricly here.)

    I have been to the East Coast, mainly NYC, but only marginally to this city where we hope to go. That part does not bother me. It is mostly the animals.

    As I write this I am feeling it sure would be nice no longer to be a main character in my son's chaotic day to day saga. I will miss him and worry about him. But I can do that from afar.

    Thanks for the info and support, Echo. What breed are your dogs?
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I just have to figure out how to fit this on an inner arm tattoo so I can see it daily.
     
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi, Copabanana!

    :hugs:

    How are plans coming along for the move?

    Cedar
     
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