My son was kicked out last night...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by LostMum, May 2, 2016.

  1. LostMum

    LostMum New Member

    Hello Parents. This is my first post ever of any kind. I am stepping out on faith for support because I know if I don't reach out for help, I will do more damage to my family than my son has already done. I will keep our story brief. My 19 yr old son has had a spice (synthetic marijuana) problem for at least two years. He has received outpatient counseling, takes antidepressants and sees a psychologist regularly. He has promised and failed numerous times to stop smoking. He was finally admitted to inpatient care (21 day max per insurance). His counselor told me while he was in treatment that she didn't believe he was truly committed to sobriety. Nevertheless, he graduated from the program and came home. He was smoking again within one week of his return home. A condition for his return home was no smoking period. If he was caught, he would have to immediately leave the home. This happened last night. It's been more than 24 hrs since I've heard from him. I had to watch him walk out of our house with a duffle bag. We took his car keys away. I am an absolute mess. My husband is ready to leave me, and I know this is about tough love but how do I turn my brain off ? I am physically sick with worry. I have to pretend in front of our 13 yr old daughter that everything will be alright when honestly I don't know that to be true. He has zero friends and no relatives in the area so I'm sure he slept in a park last night and will again tonight. I fear for his basic safety. I'm scared the police, hospital or morgue is going to call. How soon do I reach out to him just to tell him I love him? His dad (my husband) says he is forever banned from our home and I support that but practically speaking, how do I just pick up and move on? I am lost.
  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Lost. So sorry you've had to join us, really.
    This is the crux of it. You simply (and it is not simple and certainly not easy) followed through with consequences. When they are boys- if they do this-then this happens-learning this as an adult is hard for all. Many of us have been where you are. Personally, my husband and I lost about ten yrs. to trying to fix it. We learned too slowly. Don't be us.
    The turning your brain off happens in increments as you change your focus to you, hubby and daughter-it is the hardest thing on a marriage isn't it? No, you don't just forget the mess son's making but you realize in a concrete way that you had to step aside for everyone's good. You tried. It didn't work. Go on, be strong. You can. Prayers.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Lost, I think kicking a child out of the home is one of the hardest things we as moms face. We also had to do this when our son was 18 and yes it was excruciating. The advice I got from a therapist at the time was to keep the emotional door open..... So I would text my son that I loved him although not inviting him home, and eventually when he got in trouble he called me.

    So my advice is two fold. One is go ahead and text him and let him know you love him. He may or may not respond. Get some real life support... Do they have alanon groups in your area.... If you can find one for parents that can be a great help. You need to get support for you and to recognize this is not your fault, this is your sons choices.

    The 2nd is around your marriage. You have not said what the issues are there. Is your husband ready to leave because of issues with your son or is there more to it? If it is around your son then you and he need to get some help to get on the same page and understand each other. Although this is excruciating no matter what, if you can share your fears and worries with your spouse it is easier. And one of the things you need to talk about is under what conditions if any, would you let your son come home..... And what kind of help are you willing to give him. He is still young and probably will need some help..... And if he is sleeping in the park he may quickly decide that his way isn't working. Him knowing you will follow through is a very good thing.
  4. LostMum

    LostMum New Member

    Thank you for the replies and encouragement. I will seek out a support group. My husband refuses to attend but I know I need to go. We have both agreed to marriage counseling when things settle down and yes the primary issue has been dissension on how best to help our son. I recognize that I have been the enabler so agreeing to removing him from our home has been the toughest thing I've ever done. He is young but has damaged his family relationships so much my husband will never allow him back. My son has to hit rock bottom. I don't know if he's close or not. He will likely lose his job shortly and then his meager savings will be gone. Please continue to pray and send positive words our way. I appreciate everyone's support.
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LostMum my heart goes out to you. It was not that many years ago when we had to do the same thing when our daughter returned from rehab and relapsed very soon after. We had to kick her out in the middle of a snowstorm, calling to police because she refused to leave. I didn't think I would ever recover, my heart was broken in a million pieces and I was sick to my stomach with worry. It took her about two months before she reached out and begged us to let her come home. We was the most heart wrenching thing I ever did, even worse than kicking her out. We told her we would support her going to a sober living house but that was all. She found one and that began her coming back. It took about a year, two sober houses, two good jobs lost, being kicked out of her apartment and other things before she finally decided to stop living like that.

    I won't tell you that everything is rosy, she drinks way too much, but has a good job and has moved out of a destructive relationship with the boyfriend and is back home with us putting money away every paycheck to get her own place again.

    Your son is 19, the same age our daughter was when she first went into rehab. There is hope. You have to stay strong and let him know you love him but that you will not enable him to abuse drugs anymore.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is find a good support group. I have this board which was a godsend in my darkest days, and a parent support group from a recovery center in my city that I networked with through my contacts in rehab.

    This is hard stuff, we can;t do it by ourselves. I hope you and your husband can find the support you need to come together and lean on each other during these difficult years.

    P.S. I just read your last reply and my husband is not into support groups either but the parents I met in my group are wonder parents just like you and they are more like friends now. I went alone for a long time, but when I came home I shared their stories and he came to understand and appreciate their value. It helps to know there are others just like us out there and we didn't do anything to cause this.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Lost

    We just gave my 20 year old a choice of rehab or being kicked out after 5 years of his on and off drug abuse, stealing etc. Normally a wonderful and kind and loving person. Drugs change that. Luckily he chose rehab and after rehab we told him he cannot come home so he is in Florida in sober living. We are in Illinois. My story is long (how can you put five years on one post) but most of our stories here are similar.

    You may save your son's life by removing him from your home. My son is now working steady. Has been sober for 2 months. He needs the support that sober living offers him. He doesn't think so but I know so. Your son proved he cannot live with you and be sober. You tried that. Just like we tried the two other times he was in rehab and came home - both those times he was a minor so we had no choice. He is now a grown man and I had to get out of his way so he could either sink or swim. Yes it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's just not fair but it is what it is. Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault.

    I learned on this forum that nothing changes if nothing changes. Truer words were never spoken and it's just that simple.

    Keep posting here. You'll get sound advice and no judgement from people who have been there or are there!
  7. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    Hi Lost.
    I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I am in a very similar one myself, with my son who is almost 21 (haven't had to kick him out, but told him he can't live home/return home from college due to the issues we have had with him). It DOES make us physically sick. I don't even know what to do with myself. For what it's worth, I think you are 100% absolutely doing the right thing. It's also 100% the hardest thing, but you are doing it. You are strong. Hang in there.
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi LostMum. I wanted to chime in to give you encouragement. We too had to kick our son out after we tolerated his weed smoking his senior year and warned him numerous times. It was painful to watch him leave. We also brought him back several times after he cried and promised to change. The worst time was when we packed his bags put them on the porch and didn't allow him back in the home. My heart was ripped in half as he sat on our lawn, crying and calling me on my cell. I ended up getting him a room for a couple weeks at a low class hotel, which killed me. Fast forward, we've been through so much more, learning he was using heroin not just smoking weed. Our kids have to take their journey, all take it differently and some take longer than others. But it's THEIR journey. They must decide to make the changes to make it in this life. If we don't allow their consequences, they have no reason to change. The best thing you can do is offer him rehab, prayers & love. But rescuing poor choices is never ever the way. My story ends well,as our son is healthy and happy now. He thanks us for never giving up on him and for praying for him, & guiding him to Victory Outreach where he became sober & his life changed. So, hold on to hope and stand for what's right. He is an adult and is capable of finding his way. I'm very sorry for your hurting momma heart. ((hugs))
  9. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    The best way to help your son is to not support his behavior in any way, shape, or form. Do not enable it. Do not let him think it is somehow acceptable. He needs to hit rock bottom, and the faster he does, the sooner he will be open to true change. He isn't going to do it unless he has to, though. Not until he reaches his absolute lowest point.
  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I'm so sorry for your hurting heart ❤️

    It is not something we picture when we bring home our babes from the hospital and what pacifier or bottle/breast drama seems like such a big deal! If we only knew :(

    We haven't kicked our son out, but have asked him to leave this summer once he has a job. He had been dealing drugs, so learning how to make an honest living is proving hard for him. We have told him any drug dealing again and he is out asap.

    I know I will be a mess if we have to do it eventually. I wish it were different for all of us. Welcome to the forums.... I wish you didn't have to join us here, but glad you found support.