My story

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by layne, May 12, 2014.

  1. layne

    layne Member

    Hello All,

    I wish I found you all a bit sooner, actually a lot sooner. Somehow my years of surfing the web about out of control teenagers, I never came across your forum until now which is very surprising because I have been basically everywhere on the web regarding this topic for a very long time. However, I am glad I found it now, even though I basically came to a point of acceptance, if you can call it that. I really don't know what to call it. However, I would like to tell my story.

    I was a teen mother and struggled immensely, even for a teen mom. Her father committed suicide when she was a baby. I suffered from severe bipolar and PTSD. It's sad to say, despite my VERY best efforts (tried so desperately hard) she had a very chaotic childhood. I was always poor financially and always struggling. I just couldn't control our situation no matter how hard I worked. Do you not think my heart breaks in guilt over my daughters childhood? Every single day. I was fully aware of it happening and was powerless to stop or change anything. The fact of the matter is, there was never enough money and I had ZERO support. This little girl went through hell and it's the reason why she acts the way she does today and for the last five years, since she was 12 years old. My ex husband threw us out into the streets, became homeless and she lost all of her friends back then in the worst way. She is now 17 and my god, what an awful nightmare the last five years have been. Everything from abuse, screaming, yelling, my nose being broken, bullying me, humiliating me out in public on purpose, getting us thrown out of three different places, getting into trouble at school daily, putting us on a watch list, calling the police because I was scared of her up to 35 times, having to admit to my family members what was happening just to get a little bit of help from those jerks, and a TWO YEAR infestation of LICE...... just pure and literal hell. She annihilated me on almost a daily basis. Things have calmed down a bit recently , or I am just getting use to it by now, but we still have problems. In these last five years, I gained one hundred pounds from the pure stress. Have many health issues and I am certain that these last five years have shaved years off of my life. I don't know how clear to make these words, but I never, EVER , thought this is what I would be dealing with, especially everything that we had already went through.

    The worst part about it all was living in fear of my daughter every day. I really felt like a hostage and I was being terrorized. You know you have it bad when you start thinking jail might be a safer place for you to be than at home with your child. You start thinking that because your always scared your going to go to jail because your child keeps threatening you she will lie to the police and say you abuse her. Then you start thinking, maybe that's a good thing in the end just so you can get away from her. You know it's bad that you would give your house away, car and money, just so you can leave the situation and have some peace. However you're not legally allowed to do that. Never mind feeling all the shame that goes along with this and everybody knowing your problems. How utterly embarrassing. All of that has semi calmed down now, even though we do have flare ups.

    The thing that hurts the most is that I gave up everything I had for her, even though it wasn't a lot. I gave her everything, spoiled her. I go without clothes and a life, just so she can have. However, it was no where near enough. I just wish she could see that I tried so hard and I wish she could see that we wouldn't have this much if I didn't literally sacrifice everything. I even stayed single after me and my ex split up 5 years ago. I stayed single so I can devote all my time to her and make sure no step dad would take advantage of her.

    Anyway, something horrible happened back in October. She came out of her bedroom one night and said "mom , I think something is really wrong". A trip to the ER, we were informed she contracted herpes. She was diagnosed with Genital Herpes. I was her rock ever since it happened. How could my beautiful 16 year old daughter get herpes? Why her God? I know she's bad, but there are reasons for it and it's just a phase. Why does he have to keep smiting us? That's how it feels. Just beaten and beaten and beaten down some more. I am so sorry to God that I am talking and speaking this way, but WHY? I have been in shock for the last 7 months since the diagnosis, but it's finally starting to kick in. I wake up every morning in a panic. All of 2013 I had to worry about truancy because truancy came after us hard core threatening to throw me and her into jail, and then the Herpes diagnosis happened. It's like how much more can we possibly take. I just feel like giving up sometimes. One thing that has never changed is how much I love her, even though I get severely angry with her. She didn't deserve any of this and she is just acting out because of her childhood. Who wouldn't? I know it's not an excuse,, but come on, it's real and the truth. I just wish she knew I was on her side and there was nothing I could really do. She's just too damn young too understand. I just wanted to share my story for any other parent who might be going through the same.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but I do want to straighten out your thinking.

    This is not your fault, regardless of her childhood. Many kids have worst childhoods than her and do not act like she does. She is sixteen and old enough to be making her own choices. Has she ever been diagnosed, in therapy, is there mental illness or substance abuse on either side of her family genetic tree? Is she a threat to hurt you? That is NEVER EVER acceptable no matter what her background is. Ever. That makes her dangerous. There is no reason for her to lash out at you or her house or be abusive. Unless you sold her into prostitution, which I doubt, this behavior is either due to inherited mental illness or probably drug abuse and you do not and should not have to tolerate it or coddle her while she acts self-destructive and destroys her own life and tries to take you with her. At 18, I'd be showing her a list of "MUST" behavior and make it clear she will have to find her own place to live and support herself unless she stops her bullying and gets a job and is respectful to you. Enough of her acting out, past or no past.

    You did the best you knew how, like we all did. So why is it ok that she is abusing you? You can love her all you like...we all love our kids...but tolerating t hat sort of behavior is not good for her or for you. This may or may not just be a phase. If you don't want her to end up in prison, it would be a good idea in my opinion to get her into a psychiatric rehab center and in 24/7 treatment.

    She is not the only teen with herpes and she will be ok. There are treatments for it and she won't die. She maybe learned from it. How did s he get it? She had unprotected sex and she knew the possible consequences. It is her own fault. The problem is our difficult children tend not to learn from their mistakes and it's never their faults. It is everyone else's faults. Their father left when they were ten, so that gives them the right to steal, lie, hit us, deface our property, cuss us out and you'd BETTER give them money when their hand is out or else you are a very horrible parent.

    Why not hop over to Parent Emeritus (older kids) or Substance Abuse and read about detachment and taking our lives back. Read our stories. Read what we do about our disrespectful kids. I wish I had gotten a head start!!!

    Hugs and so sorry you have to walk this path.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2014
  3. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    So sorry to hear about your struggles, but I have to echo, that this is not your fault! I believe that we all show up, basically as we are. We are a product of our environment to a small extent. My story would be much different from your's, in that our difficult child did not experience any childhood chaos. Within our family she has been exposed to loving and respectfully relationships, yet it didn't rub off on her. She can be very hostile and abusive and we have no idea why. You've been through enough....time to give yourself a break!!! As for the herpes, well it's a virus.....an annoying skin condition. It's not the end of the world, although I get that it would feel extremely devastating to you both. Perhaps the sunny side of the herpes is that she will be less promiscuous and will wait for someone really special before she is intimate again. I hope that doesn't sound too insensitive, but it's my nature to look for a silver lining.

    I hope that finding this forum brings you support and some peace.
     
  4. layne

    layne Member

    Yes, I understand. You are right. I would like to join that group when I am ready. She is 17 now (She was diagnosed at 16). She will be 18 soon and I was looking forward to that, but now with the Herpes diagnosis, it has made me more attached to her instead of detached. After the diagnosis and after a lot of crying, she said "Mom, I thought you would be so mad at me, I can't believe how kind you are being to me. I said "Why would I be mad or come down on you hard? You will have this for the rest of your life, I think that's punishment enough, wouldn't you say?". I tried to stop her from something like this, I even know the night she contracted it, I'm sure of it. I tried that night to stop her but she refused to come home. I know in time I will have to detach from her and believe me I will. I just wasn't expecting this. It has created fear in me and put me out of place in my already messed up mind.
     
  5. layne

    layne Member

    Yes, I am hoping that the Herpes is a wake up call to her, however I am not so sure. Words can not express how devastating and scary this is. My worst fear is her sleeping with someone and not telling them, then they seek revenge. That is my worst fear. She found a boyfriend about a month ago, and slept with him before she told him. I blame him too. He was really putting the pressure on her and wouldn't listen to her when she told him she wanted to wait a bit. She gave in because she didn't want to lose him. I do believe her on that. I know how men are. The night of their first date, I called him repetitively and told her to bring her home immediately but he didn't listen and ignored my calls. I even threatened him with the police and still he kept sending my calls to voice mail. So, maybe if he listened to me, the mother, he would have saved himself. Anyway, long story short, she told him and low and behold, he totally accepts her. I even had the talk with him and told him to take a week to think about if he really want to be with her or not because he may not have been infected yet. He was and is very adamant that he really cares for my daughter and loves her. Apparently he has been in love with my daughter for a long time. She had a massive outbreak and an allergic reaction on top of it last week. She felt like a leper and I couldn't blame her, it would have been a nightmare, an absolute nightmare if he wasn't in the picture. He came right over and he held her tight and didn't care if he got it. He is not hesitant in the least. He was even getting mad at me for panicking. Me and my daughter, before we found out it was an allergic reaction, we thought the herpes somehow spread all over her body. What do we know, we are still new to all of this? Anyway, he didn't care, he still held her and told her it was going to be okay. I don't know what in the world I would be doing without him right now. He literally is a bright light right now. Thank God we got some kind of break, usually we are not this lucky. I automatically accepted him because anyone who still wants to be with someone who has herpes means they are truly in love with them. There is no question or doubt about their intentions. At least that is a good thing. I honestly hope they get married. Please God, PLEASE. What a relief that would be. In my dreams probably, right?
     
  6. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    Yes I understand your fear....it would be mine too.
    I do hope they had protected sex?! It would be very negligent of her, and him for that matter, not to! I dread this phase! I know it's coming sooner than I'd like!

    It sounds to me like the "herpes" has taken on a life of its own. The new boyfriend is modelling the mindset of many teens. This is really not as "big" as it seems. It's almost the norm.... I have two twenty something nephew/niece that I talk to a lot about these things. There are things she can do to lessen the severity and frequency of the outbreaks....diet, exercise, supplements, stress reduction....if this was my biggest problem, I'd be doing ok!!

    Again, I don't want to be dismissive or insensitive about this, but I think over time, this will become a non issue.

    Peace Out!!
     
  7. layne

    layne Member

    Thank you Jugey. By my understanding and research, teens still do care enough not to want to get herpes. The stigma is still there. We belong to a teen support group online for teens who have herpes and many of them have horror stories of being rejected and shunned by their peers. Not always though, it can be the complete opposite as well. It just depends on the situation really.

    Anyway, he is 20, so he is a little bit older than her. I honestly think it's because he loves her. I can tell and no they are not having protected sex, at least I don't think. Even if they were, did you know condoms do not really do jack to stop the spreading of herpes? They are basically ineffective, only 30% protection rate. However, I am afraid of my daughter having my luck and not being able to keep a man and that means not only do I have to worry about her sleeping around, I have to worry or not whether she is telling people before hand. She is not some major slut, but she definitely isn't a pam the prude either, obviously. She's in between. She thought she was grown and that she was Sarah Jessica Parker from sex in the city. I just pray to God, literally pray, she find someone to marry her and marry her soon and I hope it is this guy. I mean this is the cherry on the cake. I am so turned around, especially everything else that has happened in the last five years, that I don't even know what the hell I am talking about. This is just ONE of many, millions , of the issues I have with her. I know I am calm right now, but trust me, it's only by mistake.

    Thank you so much for being supportive, I wanted to make sure I told you that.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it makes you feel any better, herpes is not the big deal it used to be. My son dated a girl who told him she had herpes and that was not even part of their relationship. She is under medical care and has not had a breakout. She is also a lawyer so she is not a brainless child. She is matter of fact about it. When my son asked how most men reacted to her when she told them, she said, "Most don't care." My sister, who is in the dating scene also, said about the same thing. It's not the big deal it once was.

    What your daughter does about her herpes is her issue. If she immorally chooses not to tell her partner, sadly she is NOT the first to do that. Anyone who consents to be a sexual partner with another person and does not use protection is taking a risk, and that risk is on THEIR shoulders. It is nobody's fault that your daughter got herpes except hers and it will be nobody else's fault except theirs if somebody gets it from her. It is not as easy for a female to spread it to a male as vice versa. In this day and age of AIDS it is insane to have frequest, unprotected sex. It is a personal decision and the decision to do it is the blame of the person. Do not feel shamed. HPV is everywhere and I know several people who not only don't tell, but don't care...hey, if that's how they want to live, YOU can not control it. You can't control your daughter. There is good treatment for herpes and she can choose to take care of it.

    I personally would not want my daughter to marry anyone for any reason if she were still young, immature, and a difficult child. Badly taken care of grandchildren would follow that she could use against you if she got angry. A divorce would probably also follow. And she would expect YOU to fund her little dysfunctional family most likely. That is not something that I'd wish for if this were my child. The horrors of young difficult child marriage are legendary. Marriage is hard even if you are financially stable, emotionally stable, and older. Teen marriage with two teens who don't think and have no jobs or futures...if you have any clout with her, I'd DIScourage it and say that you won't help her out if she does it, however that's what I would say...you have you take your own walk through GFGland.

    Does she have any plans after she graduates high school? Is she going to graduate? Does she have a part-time job now? Is she in any way on the way to becoming a responible young woman? I have an almost eighteen year old who is VERY responsible and on her way. I had a very irresponsible eighteen year old who took drugs and partied and eventually had to leave the house. There is a huge difference.

    I think therapy may help you handle the herpes issue and get over it. Wallowing in shame, which is unecessary, will not help your daughter and will hurt you and your health. A lot of people have herpes...just that most of the time their parents don't know. It is not your fault and if it were my daughter I would not want to emphasize a shame aspect, even indirectly, I would be more apt to write down the names of doctors who can treat it.

    Since she is going to be legal in a year, I think (and it's just my opinion) that you should start preparing her for life as an adult. Because in the eyes of the law she will be one. You also do need to de-stress or you will be useless to her and, worse, to yourself and to your other loved ones and friends.

    But I know you are early in this journey. When you are ready, you will know and you can hop over to Parent Emeritus and see how we handle these types of grown children. Trust me, you will have a lot of company!!!! And you will see the methods we have used to survive with a out-of-control adult child.

    Many hugs.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2014
  9. layne

    layne Member

    Midwestmom, I really needed that today. I was so strong when I first found out about the herpes. I really was, but I guess now, 7 months later, the shock must be wearing off because it's starting to bother me more and more. I can't express to you enough that i can't believe I am sitting here typing these words. I feel like this is someone else's post. I feel like as I am writing this I am having an outter body experience. We went to the doctors, she takes medications daily. However, of course being 17 and scatterbrained, she is not always careful. I caught her the other day shaving her pubic hair over her herpes outbreak! I wanted to really get her then. Out of all the asinine things to do. It could spread so easily all over her body that way. I had to really start world war 3 just to make her believe that. As for high school she dropped out and I can honestly say, thank god. That was a nightmare. I was getting called to school every other day for her behavior and then the whole truancy thing, please what a NIGHTMARE. All of 2013, I was waking up with nightmares that they were going to throw her and me in jail. There are hefty penalties in my state for truancy. The worst in the country. Thank God she finally turned 17 (legal age to drop out), but not in enough time. I got high blood pressure from truancy. I feel bad for any parent dealing with truancy. What a nightmare. She does have a job and she loves to work thank god. She's been doing that for a year, so let's see how that goes. But as far as making it on her own, I just don't see it happening. She drives me insane. Trust me, pretty soon I will be joining that detachment group, I just want to do it when I can legally detach from her. I have to be able to move away and she doesn't know my proverbial bags are packed and have been packed for a LONG time. God I hate to feel that way, but if I don't destress and get some peace I am going to be no good for anyone! I just want to say thank you again because your words meant so much to me this morning and you're right, I got to stay strong.
     
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ok so I get the child is difficult BUT the herpes issue seems to be blown way out of proportion here.

    First of all if someone is having unprotected sex then they have only themselves to blame when they get it. Second of all if they are having sex at all they should discuss this.
    Last but not least herpes wont kill you it is just a major pain in the buttocks.

    This is not a life ending disease it is equivalent to reoccuring poison ivy or any other skin disease that is transmitable. She is not a pariaha. No one who isn't sleeping with her needs to know. If you stop focusing on it sooooooo much then you may become more comfortable with it and just focus on keeping up her treatment. Depending on her doctor she could be on anything from a daily dosage to a treat when symptoms apear dosage.

    Instead of looking at it as such a horrible thing think of it like a cold sore. It's annoying it's treatable and if a guy doesn't like it then he isn't the man for her.
     
  11. layne

    layne Member

    dstc 99, no you're right. I gotta pull myself together right now. Thank you all for kicking me in the but with this, you don't know how much I needed this.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Layne, you are very, very welcome.

    My son was not at all concerned about this girl's herpes. In fact, she told him not one guy had said he wouldn't date her because of it. Granted, she was pretty and smart and a lawyer and very upfront (and not a bit ashamed), but had no trouble finding men who were interested in her. After she broke up with my son, she got into another relationship right afterward and moved in with the guy.

    At one time herpes was the lone STD that couldn't be cured, just controlled. But with AIDS around (and that can also be controlled now, but it's much harder and more dangerous)...AIDS has made herpes seem like the common cold. Any decent person can end up with an STD.

    I am glad this made you feel better :) You take good care of yourself now and try to keep away from your daughter's drama. You don't need it!! It's HER show, let her play the starring role.
     
  13. layne

    layne Member

    BIG BIG HUGS @ you midwest.
     
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