My taking care of myself, I am in PAIN!

[totoro]

I was having a hard couple of months, who me?
With the in-laws bashing me and then husband and me ready to knock each other out over In-laws, finances, kids etc...
husband had a severe Gout attack for almost 3 weeks, he could not walk.
I also had to hear all about how I could never start or finish anything, I had no friends, (I had thoughts of Abbey and my imaginary friends and throwing things).
I kind of sunk and got a tiny bit anxious wonky...
So I signed up for those classes, would not let myself cancel. I made an apt for a therapist.

Me and psychiatrist upped my medications a bit.
Her suggestion was to start a happy journal, I told her to F'off. She started laughing. Then explained her reasoning and theory behind it.
If I could start to think of happy things about myself, husband even the in-laws. Write them down... let myself visualize these things, burn them into my brain. When I start seeing red and want to strangle and cast these people out of my life... maybe just maybe I can stop and see something good and calm myself.
So I have actually been trying it, kicking and screaming. But I have to say it has been helping a bit. I am also trying to let his parents out of my mind. Not ask about them, not let them invade my space.
Slow process but good.
They are good people, they are trying, they do mess up and have have, but they want to try. So I have to give them that. Who am I to throw stones?

Then there is my therapist. She wants me to learn to breathe, to stop and breathe before I want to just walk away. Stop and breathe, think of my happy thoughts... another long process.
She feels I have a lot of deep dark PTSD. She thinks I am messed up because I laughed when I told her about my suicide attempt. I said, "Well don't you think the whole story is absurd?" Laughed more...
I was laughing and telling her about how California let me out in 24 hours, no medications, no long term plan etc. How Therapy was with my Dad, but there were rules about what we could talk about because he was a drug dealer.
I find that pretty funny. I don't think she did. LOL
I think she will be pretty good, because she will teach me how to stand up for myself, even just by standing up to her. Telling her when I think something is BS.

I started my Spanish class, I feel really dumb! But it will be good for me, I just have to keep forcing myself to keep going, not let my anxiety stop me.
Like our kids, once I am there I have fun, it is the getting out the door part!

So the painful part! YOGA OMG!
Yesterday, husband and I went for an 1 1/2 class. I was shaking by the and of the class. This is a beginning class. I am so sore today! husband is as well. She said we did really well. But she is a butt kicker and makes you really hold the poses and do them very sloooowly, so you feel them.
It will be very good, but my gosh. I hurt all over! She is in her 40's and very traditional, not a fancy place which is perfect.

Any way, my journey to well being seems to be going OK, the therapist wants me to go once a week. Ha Ha.

Lots of deep breathing and trying to find the good in people.
But husband was trying to start a fight the other night and normally I would have turned into a raving banshee... I stayed calm. He later apologized and said he was stressed. It was over K's neuro-psychiatric apt cost. Dumb.

Sorry this is of course LOOOONG.
just thought I would update a bit.

 

[house of cards]

I admire how proactive you are for the kids and for yourself. I understand the desire to talk yourself out of something that is good but hard for you so I'll be offering you earplugs so you don't hear the negative talk (figuratively)...I give in much too easy.Your a fighter so go, do these things and feel better.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Watch this video and get yourself a Gratitude Rock
http://freedocumentaries.net/media/167/The_Secret_/

I made SO sit down and watch - then we went to the park at lunch and looked for a stone for him. Believe it or not he always has that rock in his pocket now. This is not to say I am sooo tempted to pull mine out and whale it directly at his head at times, but it has helped a lot with his thinking good thoughts instead of the swirling negativity mode he gets in.

Its the same as writing stuff down, but when you write it down, you have to pull out a journal - with the stone, its in your pocket.

Marcie

 

[Star*]

I also had to hear all about how I could never start or finish anything, I had no friends, (I had thoughts of Abbey)


OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I SEE!



Love-

 

[klmno]

You are really making some major efforts here!! I hope you start feeling better soon.

FWIW, I had a therapist (a mental health therapist- whatever that is- it wasn't a sw or psychiatric) give me the spill about deep breathes once. I told her that with all repsect, I'd been taking deep breathes since the day I was born and they hadn't solved my problems yet. Then, she decided to "teach" me how to visualize being on the beach alone or someplace else relaxing and comfortable.

So, with that said, SRL is throwing a party on a private island. I think you should plan to attend.

 

[gcvmom]

Very proud of you for trying the yoga class despite finding muscles you never knew you had... You're a better woman than I. The closest I've gotten to yoGA is youGURT. 'Nuf said.

Take a hot bubble bath -- and LOCK the door. It will do you wonders

 

[totoro]

I have a rock that I carry that a little Autistic girl gave me! I had no idea she was Autistic at the time. It was when I just beginning to figure out that Kendall had issues. K was about 2.5. I had met this Mom working out and she would tell me all about her daughter but she never told me what her daughter was diagnosis'd as having.
I still have that little polished rock, 5.5 years later!
It really touched me when she stopped me and gave it to me.

 

[Hound dog]

Toto

S'all's good.

I hear you about going to classes. I love them. I love learning. Getting me out the door is another matter. But I force myself to do it. This quarter I gave myself a "break" and took 2 classes online. Uh, yeah. Not such a good idea. I forgot that involes extra work....got to keep on top of things......and I'm home more which isn't necessarily a good thing. lol

Yoga. I'm afraid I'd get into a position and get stuck. But huge kuddos to you and husband for taking this on. Lord knows is more of a work out than it looks.

Now join the island party. You can show us your new yoga moves.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Totoro,

I know absolutely nothing about yoga. However, now I know, I won't be in a rush to try it...lol... I like the hot bath idea followed by the island party. Palm trees.... sand.... margueritas..... raoul.... Now where is that party? WFEN

 

[Ropefree]

totoro: Yoga is so good..and yep, in the beginning hard to do. The self awareness to stay safe and to go slow and to progress can lead to a far better life. Good for you for doing it.
I like Louis Hay and learning affirmations.

The negative inner talk and the habits of mind that perpetuate our own self
enduced misery do sound as if the things that are behind them are unimportant.
Yet when we have bad things and the thoughts that purculate up in our minds around them as companions we are clinging to the negativity and nursing it into a
imaginary companion that is a misuse of our imagination. Something bad happens.
Then it is over. WE remember the bad thing that happened and we add to it with our busy mind. The best thing we may do with the memory of a bad thing that happened is decide or determine if there was something we did not do that could have been done to prevent it. If there is something that we think of after the fact that we could have done but did not we can accept that we missed the chance, or we can add to the bad thing that happened by including the new thought that we did not think fast and do that thing we did not but could have. Or if we did think of the thing and did not do it befor the bad thing happened we can then wallow in misery over the fact that we essentially are bad and wrong.

Yes negatively speaking we can go on and on and on.

The happy journel is a great idea. Now you have and assignment to create something tangible that has the quality of possitivity and that compells you to find the happy and focus on it. And where does that lead? hmm...I may have to try that out for size myself.

One vedio I found that I watched just because of the title was called THE JOY OF STRESS. That in mind the next time someone is endulging themself with same you may adopt a calm relaxed counter pose and let them be the center of attention emotionally. usually that is what the REAL problem is. Does you husband not want his child to get care? No. The down right truth is, though, it is that what proffessional require for their time is exploitve. It is healthy to feel mad when someone is exploiting the suffering of others for finacial gain. So watch and enjoy the primal adjustment proceedure as the modern human takes in an attack(bill) and then eventually rises to the occation to counter attack(pay it).
I might decide to have a husband if he were likely to adorn himself with feathers and paint and either with or without loin cloth sit down to pay bills.

 

[amazeofgrace]

well kudos on trying new things! I had a hunch the pain was associated with exercie of some kind, I am there, just running/walking the dog has me stiff as anything! The freezing tempertures are not helping!

 

[Marguerite]

You're welcome to move the beach party to our neck of the woods. We're in full summer here, the beach is perhaps Sydney's best-kept secret because it's never crowded (often empty). Lovely yellow sand, turquoise water, sandstone rocks nearby for fishing but no chance of scraping yourself because they're smooth. If you don't want to swim you can lie on the sand - it's warm underneath.

And as for pebbles: I picked up a piece of pumice yesterday and gave it to a child who was nearby with his father. I explained how that little rock was so very light that it could float; where rocks usually form over very long periods of time, pumice is the froth from the top of the foam in a volcano, like the head on a glass of lemonade that has been thrown out into the air in explosion (like when the bottle is shaken), and then solidified instantly as it fell. Most pumice is too soft to survive, only the hardest can make long journeys. It was a rock maybe 6 months old, no more. But it could live for millions of years and travel the world on the currents.

The piece I had probably came from somewhere in the Phillipines (Mt Pinatubo is a common source for the pumice on our beach).

I did this once before, to a man who was being baptised in our church. It was baptism by immersion, he is in his 80s. I just happened to stopp down and pick up a piece of pumice, and gave it to him, explaining where it comes form.

I never knew until he told me a year later, he has kept that little rock in his treasures box and will never forget the story.

Sometimes we never know how we touch people. The same goes for you, totoro.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Toto,
So glad you are taking care of you. Sorry about the pain!

 

[ML]

I am proud of you for taking these steps. I have a "yoga for dummies" tape I may get out, thanks for the reminder. Love, ML

 

[totoro]

I felt like a dummy in the yoga class!
I do feel much better today!
I am trying to keep stretching so I do not go back next week and go into shock!
I actually feel really good.
Maybe feel good love stuff is actually working, oh and my In-laws went back out of town.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm glad you're doing better, now Totoro.
Your therapist sounds like a hoot. (And smart, too. )
Watch out for yoga ... it can creep up on you. You feel like you can do anything and then the next day, OUCH!

Yeah, the inlaws left town. That COULD have something to do with-it, LOL!!

When they are bugging you, just say, "Bastante." Enough.

Muy bien.