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My Trip Home & My Mom.......very long sorry
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 547928" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Star I've been trying to do that mini vacation for months. Mom won't go for it because she's terrified of being "robbed" blind while she is gone. </p><p></p><p>Witz, dealing with a schizo with dementia is bad enough, but dealing with a retired nurse on top of it.........well, let's just say she's going to have to get much much more confused before I'm going to slip any medications past her. Best I can hope for is that doctor will tell her they're for "sleep" or some such and she falls for it because she doesn't recognize the medication. He'll only be able to use new medications too, she'll spot any older ones immediately. </p><p></p><p>I do my best to go the honest route, or at least as close to it as possible. I plan to explain to mom that the short term memory issues which are age appropriate (depending on the person) is making it appear that someone is either moving her things around or taking them. This may or may not work. But I can use my own experience with this issue to try to get her to understand. Because I swear I have put something in a certain spot and 5 seconds later it is not there and I can't find it. It eventually turns up in some unlikely place and I may or may not recall how it got there. It might work.......but it won't work where she is now. Mostly because stepdad's kids DID come into the house and clean her out of a lot of her things as well as their dad's things and wipe bank accts and such. She's got it fixed in her head they want the house and are coming in and taking things to make her appear crazy so she'll give up the house too. Now we know that this is very unlikely as they wouldn't get the house regardless and stepdad has been gone 6 yrs now and I'm sure they've moved on with their lives at this point......busy spending what money she wasn't able to get back via lawyers. </p><p></p><p>When she leaves the area, that delusion won't hold water even to her. So that ought to at least help the paranoia to some extent, at least until she comes up with a new scenario. </p><p></p><p>This is, in short, going to be a nightmare. Mom won't be bullied or pushed. She's a control freak who not only wants to control every aspect of her own life but everyone elses. You can't intimidate her, you can't guilt her. She's as stubborn as a mule on steroids. You *might* be able to convince her certain things are in her best interest, IF you can find just the right way to go about it and the timing is perfect........and there aren't others butting in to confuse the issue. I think younger bro has finally come to understand this. (it only took him about 40 some years) That's why he wants everyone together to have a game plan in place before she's approached. </p><p></p><p>Problem is? Game plan or no game plan, I see this being one of the ugliest most horrific things I will ever deal with. Because eldest sis being a whack job herself is going to say some off the wall thing or ten to set mom off. Eldest bro has got no backbone whatsoever and is about as smart as a piece of paper (gotta love the side effects of lifelong addiction). Sis in Texas is non confrontational at best. Youngest bro is already frustrated beyond reason and fed up. Three out of those four are secretly hoping that Mom keels over and leaves them money (aka the house & a small inheritance from the selling of our childhood home which is in CDs in our names there) One is only based in greed. The other two are in a financial hole they're hoping to get out of. Thankfully none of them seem to be aware that Mom has more funds (much more) than she let's on.....she lives as the penny pincher she's always been, but I've seen strong indications she's not hurting in the slightest. But youngest bro didn't seem pleased when I explained to him she could use her funds from selling the house to finance the rent for assisted living and make it at least a year on that alone. (here anyway, I don't know the price ranges for other areas) I know what the house is worth and Nichole and I did a walk through, it's ready to sell and even in this economy the neighborhood it's in......it would be snatched up fast at a decent price. It's already paid off, has been for years, so it's free and clear cash for her to use. </p><p></p><p>Hmm. Got a bit side tracked there. lol Even with a game plan, odds are someone is going to set her off and blow the whole thing up in our faces. If that happens, I dunno what we'll do because.......well, you'd just have to know my mom to understand. I've worked with her during most of her worst times, both in person and at a distance. It's delicate tight rope type thing. You have to watch the tone of your voice, every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to wait on timing, you have to remain calm even when you want to strangle her. Sibs can't do that. I was coping with this my whole life while they were busy off in denial land. Their only now that she's become so severe seeing reality that is our mother. They lose their patience and temper with her easily and will blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Plus younger bro is going to have to, while discussing this with us ect, take a back seat because Mom is already convinced he wants to lock her up and throw out the key. ugh</p><p></p><p>I'm rather surprised by the dementia to begin with because none of her sibs showed any signs. Yet they died younger. My aunt Jennie is 83 or so and sharp as a tack.....physically she's a mess. Mom's family is not long lived, they tend to die young. I don't recall any relative having dementia as they grew older. And so I just never thought about having to deal with it with Mom. Know what I mean?? I figured it would be a stroke or heart attack or some such....not this per se. </p><p></p><p>It's further complicated with everyone being so spread out. Odds are, even though he lived with her, even younger bro doesn't know how severe it is because he also spends 12 hrs a day on the road. I'm sure there is much he missed. And you can't just take Stormy's word because she's manipulating it to her advantage when she thinks she can get away with it. </p><p></p><p>I'm going to try to contact sis in texas either this evening or tomorrow and talk to her a while. I know she trusts my judgment, it's going to be a matter of if she's ready to hear it. </p><p></p><p>IF mom came here, she'd do the whole round of docs/specialist anyway because she'd have to establish herself as a new patient. I know who to take her to, so that's not a problem. </p><p></p><p>Gawd. I thought dealing with mother in law was bad, but it was nothing compared to what this will be. Which is why I really am not eager to become overly involved. Yet on the other hand, this is my mother.......and while she made my childhood in many respects a living hades........I still won't let anyone mistreat her or mess her over. Mom never asked to have paranoid schizo any more than any of our difficult children asked to have their dxes. Even when it was horrible, she did the best she could at the time. I'll do the same for her. My only exception is I won't risk Travis and my safety to do it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 547928, member: 84"] Star I've been trying to do that mini vacation for months. Mom won't go for it because she's terrified of being "robbed" blind while she is gone. Witz, dealing with a schizo with dementia is bad enough, but dealing with a retired nurse on top of it.........well, let's just say she's going to have to get much much more confused before I'm going to slip any medications past her. Best I can hope for is that doctor will tell her they're for "sleep" or some such and she falls for it because she doesn't recognize the medication. He'll only be able to use new medications too, she'll spot any older ones immediately. I do my best to go the honest route, or at least as close to it as possible. I plan to explain to mom that the short term memory issues which are age appropriate (depending on the person) is making it appear that someone is either moving her things around or taking them. This may or may not work. But I can use my own experience with this issue to try to get her to understand. Because I swear I have put something in a certain spot and 5 seconds later it is not there and I can't find it. It eventually turns up in some unlikely place and I may or may not recall how it got there. It might work.......but it won't work where she is now. Mostly because stepdad's kids DID come into the house and clean her out of a lot of her things as well as their dad's things and wipe bank accts and such. She's got it fixed in her head they want the house and are coming in and taking things to make her appear crazy so she'll give up the house too. Now we know that this is very unlikely as they wouldn't get the house regardless and stepdad has been gone 6 yrs now and I'm sure they've moved on with their lives at this point......busy spending what money she wasn't able to get back via lawyers. When she leaves the area, that delusion won't hold water even to her. So that ought to at least help the paranoia to some extent, at least until she comes up with a new scenario. This is, in short, going to be a nightmare. Mom won't be bullied or pushed. She's a control freak who not only wants to control every aspect of her own life but everyone elses. You can't intimidate her, you can't guilt her. She's as stubborn as a mule on steroids. You *might* be able to convince her certain things are in her best interest, IF you can find just the right way to go about it and the timing is perfect........and there aren't others butting in to confuse the issue. I think younger bro has finally come to understand this. (it only took him about 40 some years) That's why he wants everyone together to have a game plan in place before she's approached. Problem is? Game plan or no game plan, I see this being one of the ugliest most horrific things I will ever deal with. Because eldest sis being a whack job herself is going to say some off the wall thing or ten to set mom off. Eldest bro has got no backbone whatsoever and is about as smart as a piece of paper (gotta love the side effects of lifelong addiction). Sis in Texas is non confrontational at best. Youngest bro is already frustrated beyond reason and fed up. Three out of those four are secretly hoping that Mom keels over and leaves them money (aka the house & a small inheritance from the selling of our childhood home which is in CDs in our names there) One is only based in greed. The other two are in a financial hole they're hoping to get out of. Thankfully none of them seem to be aware that Mom has more funds (much more) than she let's on.....she lives as the penny pincher she's always been, but I've seen strong indications she's not hurting in the slightest. But youngest bro didn't seem pleased when I explained to him she could use her funds from selling the house to finance the rent for assisted living and make it at least a year on that alone. (here anyway, I don't know the price ranges for other areas) I know what the house is worth and Nichole and I did a walk through, it's ready to sell and even in this economy the neighborhood it's in......it would be snatched up fast at a decent price. It's already paid off, has been for years, so it's free and clear cash for her to use. Hmm. Got a bit side tracked there. lol Even with a game plan, odds are someone is going to set her off and blow the whole thing up in our faces. If that happens, I dunno what we'll do because.......well, you'd just have to know my mom to understand. I've worked with her during most of her worst times, both in person and at a distance. It's delicate tight rope type thing. You have to watch the tone of your voice, every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to wait on timing, you have to remain calm even when you want to strangle her. Sibs can't do that. I was coping with this my whole life while they were busy off in denial land. Their only now that she's become so severe seeing reality that is our mother. They lose their patience and temper with her easily and will blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Plus younger bro is going to have to, while discussing this with us ect, take a back seat because Mom is already convinced he wants to lock her up and throw out the key. ugh I'm rather surprised by the dementia to begin with because none of her sibs showed any signs. Yet they died younger. My aunt Jennie is 83 or so and sharp as a tack.....physically she's a mess. Mom's family is not long lived, they tend to die young. I don't recall any relative having dementia as they grew older. And so I just never thought about having to deal with it with Mom. Know what I mean?? I figured it would be a stroke or heart attack or some such....not this per se. It's further complicated with everyone being so spread out. Odds are, even though he lived with her, even younger bro doesn't know how severe it is because he also spends 12 hrs a day on the road. I'm sure there is much he missed. And you can't just take Stormy's word because she's manipulating it to her advantage when she thinks she can get away with it. I'm going to try to contact sis in texas either this evening or tomorrow and talk to her a while. I know she trusts my judgment, it's going to be a matter of if she's ready to hear it. IF mom came here, she'd do the whole round of docs/specialist anyway because she'd have to establish herself as a new patient. I know who to take her to, so that's not a problem. Gawd. I thought dealing with mother in law was bad, but it was nothing compared to what this will be. Which is why I really am not eager to become overly involved. Yet on the other hand, this is my mother.......and while she made my childhood in many respects a living hades........I still won't let anyone mistreat her or mess her over. Mom never asked to have paranoid schizo any more than any of our difficult children asked to have their dxes. Even when it was horrible, she did the best she could at the time. I'll do the same for her. My only exception is I won't risk Travis and my safety to do it. [/QUOTE]
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