My two cents worth....for all of us fighting

[everywoman]

the battle of addiction and mental illness.

Letting go, detaching doesn't make you a bad mom. Loving and trying to help doesn't make you a bad mom. Both are acts of compassion and caring---they just are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Through all of my battles with each of the co-dependents/addcits in my life I have always started out believing if I did one more thing, tried one more time, pushed a little harder, it would work. Then I would become angry at them for not responding. Then I would be angry at myself for not trying harder. Their recovery depended on me and what I was able to do. I just knew I could fix them. First my mom---she was a a gambling addcit---then husband---he was addicted to oxycontin and then crack---and finally difficult child---he was addicted to any drug he could use and sex and well, the chaos his mind created. Each time I fought and lost I felt like a bad daugther, wife, mother. So I would fight a little harder. Give up. And then get up and fight some more.

Finally, one day, I stepped back. I started reading---I studied addiction and mental illness. I taught myself as much as I could. I attended Alanon and called hotlines and watched talk shows. I joined this board. I search the internet. I read the bible and Chritian counseling texts, and I read secular texts. I learned enough to realize that I didn't have any answers. I didn't have any solutions.

What I did learn and come to realize is that all I could do is love them with a healthy kind of love. I could love the person and not the actions. I could offer support without offering money to feed the addiction. I could make myself strong so that when they were ready to fight for themselves I would be there to aide them. I couldn't fight their pain for them. I could only stand behind and encourage their fight.

Some of us choose to walk away completely. Some of us suffer in silence. Some of us continue to look for answers in programs and doctors. Some of us just sit and wait for the bottom. Some of us cry and wail the pain that each of us feels inside. But, we all are doing what we think is best for us at that time. I have done it all...and more.

I don't know which way is better---I only know that having this place---this group of ladies and gentlemen who I know have fought the fight on my side makes my days a little less lonely---it makes the burden that weighs on my heart a little less heavy.

Thanks for listening tonight

 

[fedup]

Thank you for your post. It helps me to take in some of what I was told today. What I am doing is right for me at the time I do it, but not always. I am speaking of the way I handle interactions with my difficult children. Each of them has a different problem. Mine is trying to do too much to help. This, I sometimes let myself down by not giving myself enough credit. I don't honor myself because I try to get too many of my pats on the back from my family members. More of them need to be from myself.

So, my lesson to learn is to keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for an opinion. Boy, that doesn't sound like it came out right... Then, I get to move on to boundaries.

 

[KFld]

Do you mind if I print your post and share it with bff Jill. I think this is something she could use right now.

Just incase you don't know why I'm asking this, read my post in teen addiction and substance abuse.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">, my lesson to learn is to keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for an opinion. </div></div>

I call that "doing the bobblehead" because that's what you look like...a pleasant expression and your head is bobbing :smile: . Man, it is hard!

And....don't ask a question if you don't want to (or don't already) know the answer. :hammer:

Suz

 

[Sunlight]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Some of us choose to walk away completely. Some of us suffer in silence. Some of us continue to look for answers in programs and doctors. Some of us just sit and wait for the bottom. Some of us cry and wail the pain that each of us feels inside. But, we all are doing what we think is best for us at that time. </div></div>


well said! especially this part:
we all are doing what we think is best for us at that time.

 

[everywoman]

Yes Karen, please share with Jill.

 

[WhymeMom?]

everywoman, you have stated it beautifully and accurately....this is the feeling of having a difficult child in your life....and searching for some peace of mind.....thank you for your thoughts.....

 

[susiestar]

You have a very eloquent way with words. You managed to express what we have ALL felt at different times. have you thought of writing a book? I just enjoy reading your posts because you express things so well.

Hugs to you,

Susie

 

[SunnyFlorida]

:bravo:
Well said.

 

[Star*]

I found that the reason I couldn't find the answers I was looking for was because the questions I kept asking were not questions for me to ask - they were for the person with addiction to ask.

I bet a lot more people feel the way you do than you know!

Very well put!

Hugs
Star

 

[Steely]

Thank you so much.

I have walked many miles in your shoes, just like you, mine, and you are right.........there is the same exact feeling inside of me for my mentally ill son as there was for my drug addict ex. The feeling of, "I have to fix it - it is all up to me - I must make this better - I must save them."

And than we do everything under the sun in order to create this act of salvation for them, and it goes unnoticed, and unreconciled, simply because they are the only ones that can make it better, not even an act of Mother Theresa can make a difference, only them.

It is just so very hard in a child, so much harder than an adult. However, now that mine is becoming an adult, and I am letting go of the little boy, I am starting to see the need to view things in a different perspective.

What a long, long journey..........one I would not wish on anyone. But like you said everywoman............I am so glad I have you guys to lean on, and guide me.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Very nicely put.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Each time I fought and lost I felt like a bad daugther, wife, mother. So I would fight a little harder. Give up. And then get up and fight some more.

Finally, one day, I stepped back.

I taught myself as much as I could.

I learned enough to realize that I didn't have any answers.

What I did learn and come to realize is that all I could do is love them with a healthy kind of love.

I could offer support without offering money to feed the addiction.

I could make myself strong so that when they were ready to fight for themselves I would be there to aide them.

I couldn't fight their pain for them.

Beautifully expressed!

Thanks, everywoman. Even when we have been through all the steps and the pain and finally learned those lessons, it is so easy to slip back, to forget why it has to be this way.

Barbara