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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 420724" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Depends on the name and who is calling it. I cannot hear anything said to me after I am called an unpleasant name. A curse word, like *itch, means I do NOTHING for you and often will do things that really bother you. Wiz hated to hear me sing, even as an infant. He learned to NOT call me names in the car because I turned on the radio to country - which he did not like, and I sang along as loud as I wanted. He didn't DARE kick my seat or hit his sister because having me pull over on the side of the road and go off on him was NOT fun and because it would make me cut out whatever fun thing he wanted to do. If he had the bad luck to have a police officer stop to see why we were pulled over it ended even worse for him. Police officers are NOT nice to boys who's behavior makes their mom pull over and step out of the car rather than having an accident or strangling their child. Wiz was shocked both times because he expected the officer to be mad at ME for not giving Wiz what he wanted and for being "mean" to wiz.</p><p> </p><p>If the child has an activity that they need a ride to, that ride doesn't happen unless the child can pay me what a taxi would cost. They also often get to run laps or do some other type of hard physical labor. Scrubbing the bathtup is a favorite chore to assign because clearly the child needs to work out something with hard work. I always worried about the kids exposure to cleaning chemicals so mine had to use baking soda and diluted dish soap in a spray bottle (a generous squirt, maybe a couple teaspoons, of dish soap in a 1 quart spray bottle and then fill it with water) works just fine. The baking soda is a mild abrasive that will help cut the crud but won't scratch most tubs.</p><p> </p><p>I have found that going deaf to their wants and whims is very effective over the long run. One thing I learned from Parenting with Love and Logic is that the consequence does NOT have to be immediate. If your child calls you a monkey tushie on thursday and you have told him in the past that this isn't acceptable, you do NOT have to tell him again that it is not allowed and his punishment is x or y or whatever. You can let him know that this hurts you and then not do something you planned, telling him that you don't do nice things for people who call you names. But what happe,ns if you just have a normal, routine night at home with homework, dinner and the normal stuff? Creating something that would be fun and making him sit it out is punishment for both of you. Don't do it. Instead when he comes to ask if you are ready to go out for pizza on Sat afternoon because that is your usual mom-difficult child thing on Sat afternoon you tell him that you don't take people who call you names out for pizza and fun. Maybe next week you will want to go out with him for pizza on Sat afternoon. Leave it there, nothing more, nothing less. Not all real world consequences are immediate. Heck, some cities don't even give you traffic tickets right away - they have cameras and computers monitor red lights and they mail the tickets if you run the red light. Why should it be different for the kids that we are trying to make into contributing members of society. One of the L&L authors actually did this with his 4yo son and it worked. the kid didn't call him a name for a very long time. It wasn't easy for the doctor to not yell at him or give a big meaningless punishment like a spanking or taking a toy away. It was a lot harder to be calm and to impose the consequence a couple of days later. The kid was only 4 and many of the "child development" based discipline methods say you have to have an immediate consequence esp with a child that young because htey can't remember what they did several days later. in my opinion that is hogwash. The kid can remember that you gave him lima beans two weeks ago and he hates them, and he can remember that you got him ice cream on the way home from the doctor last month. He can remember he called you a name three days ago - and link it to you not wanting to spend time doing something with him because he called you a bad name.</p><p> </p><p>Yeah, if he is a difficult child he will rage when you tell him no outing/special thing. Unless that outing was earned for doing something like behaving in school or is otherwise tied to a behavior you want him to do, he will learn if you stick to your guns. Get him to an area that he cannot hurt and cannot hurt himself and let the rage play out with-o an audience, or whatever it is that works for your difficult child when he rages. But stick to it if you have said you will do it.</p><p> </p><p>All that being said, right now things are super tense and chaotic in your home because your husband's behavior is so violent and volatile. You may want to wait until after your exit has happened to start with things like that. The kids are all super sensitive to your husband's moods and anger and are likely to act out more because this. So maybe running laps around the house or cleaning something is a better discipline choice for right now. A lot will change once your husband is not in the daily picture and it is going to take time for all of you to adjust to that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 420724, member: 1233"] Depends on the name and who is calling it. I cannot hear anything said to me after I am called an unpleasant name. A curse word, like *itch, means I do NOTHING for you and often will do things that really bother you. Wiz hated to hear me sing, even as an infant. He learned to NOT call me names in the car because I turned on the radio to country - which he did not like, and I sang along as loud as I wanted. He didn't DARE kick my seat or hit his sister because having me pull over on the side of the road and go off on him was NOT fun and because it would make me cut out whatever fun thing he wanted to do. If he had the bad luck to have a police officer stop to see why we were pulled over it ended even worse for him. Police officers are NOT nice to boys who's behavior makes their mom pull over and step out of the car rather than having an accident or strangling their child. Wiz was shocked both times because he expected the officer to be mad at ME for not giving Wiz what he wanted and for being "mean" to wiz. If the child has an activity that they need a ride to, that ride doesn't happen unless the child can pay me what a taxi would cost. They also often get to run laps or do some other type of hard physical labor. Scrubbing the bathtup is a favorite chore to assign because clearly the child needs to work out something with hard work. I always worried about the kids exposure to cleaning chemicals so mine had to use baking soda and diluted dish soap in a spray bottle (a generous squirt, maybe a couple teaspoons, of dish soap in a 1 quart spray bottle and then fill it with water) works just fine. The baking soda is a mild abrasive that will help cut the crud but won't scratch most tubs. I have found that going deaf to their wants and whims is very effective over the long run. One thing I learned from Parenting with Love and Logic is that the consequence does NOT have to be immediate. If your child calls you a monkey tushie on thursday and you have told him in the past that this isn't acceptable, you do NOT have to tell him again that it is not allowed and his punishment is x or y or whatever. You can let him know that this hurts you and then not do something you planned, telling him that you don't do nice things for people who call you names. But what happe,ns if you just have a normal, routine night at home with homework, dinner and the normal stuff? Creating something that would be fun and making him sit it out is punishment for both of you. Don't do it. Instead when he comes to ask if you are ready to go out for pizza on Sat afternoon because that is your usual mom-difficult child thing on Sat afternoon you tell him that you don't take people who call you names out for pizza and fun. Maybe next week you will want to go out with him for pizza on Sat afternoon. Leave it there, nothing more, nothing less. Not all real world consequences are immediate. Heck, some cities don't even give you traffic tickets right away - they have cameras and computers monitor red lights and they mail the tickets if you run the red light. Why should it be different for the kids that we are trying to make into contributing members of society. One of the L&L authors actually did this with his 4yo son and it worked. the kid didn't call him a name for a very long time. It wasn't easy for the doctor to not yell at him or give a big meaningless punishment like a spanking or taking a toy away. It was a lot harder to be calm and to impose the consequence a couple of days later. The kid was only 4 and many of the "child development" based discipline methods say you have to have an immediate consequence esp with a child that young because htey can't remember what they did several days later. in my opinion that is hogwash. The kid can remember that you gave him lima beans two weeks ago and he hates them, and he can remember that you got him ice cream on the way home from the doctor last month. He can remember he called you a name three days ago - and link it to you not wanting to spend time doing something with him because he called you a bad name. Yeah, if he is a difficult child he will rage when you tell him no outing/special thing. Unless that outing was earned for doing something like behaving in school or is otherwise tied to a behavior you want him to do, he will learn if you stick to your guns. Get him to an area that he cannot hurt and cannot hurt himself and let the rage play out with-o an audience, or whatever it is that works for your difficult child when he rages. But stick to it if you have said you will do it. All that being said, right now things are super tense and chaotic in your home because your husband's behavior is so violent and volatile. You may want to wait until after your exit has happened to start with things like that. The kids are all super sensitive to your husband's moods and anger and are likely to act out more because this. So maybe running laps around the house or cleaning something is a better discipline choice for right now. A lot will change once your husband is not in the daily picture and it is going to take time for all of you to adjust to that. [/QUOTE]
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