Star*
call 911........call 911
Nancy,
Parents that guide children like ours in a poor direction are among the sorriest of people in the world. A year or so ago I found myself listening to Dude over the phone tell DF and myself what a wonder DaddyDisney was. I sat listening, knowing either he was lying to us, himself or both - perhaps just not at the same time. Later when I heard stories about eating out of dumpsters, living on the streets, how life was in Mouse-town I found out just how wonderful a therapist I had seen over the years, not to mention how much I had retained on anger management. Every single fiber clear down to my toes certainly, could have hopped into a vehicle and waged a full-scale war. All of me? Realized quicker than I got angry - that nothing I did would change a thing for Dude - these were all things he would have to come to realize on his own; if ever - and no matter how hurt, angry or disgusted I was (again for the second twenty years it seemed) THIS was not my battle. This life wasn't mine.
I very much wanted it to be, I very much wanted Dude to include me in it - I felt I lost so much already, that it hurt and only a Mother can explain that feeling to another Mother so you know exactly what I mean.
I sat three nights ago, holding my cell phone in my hand for no particular reason whatesover. It texted/buzzed - and it was Dude asking what I was doing, then he called. No particular reason, not asking for anything, just him chatting to me, about everything, and nothing at all. We laughed, he told jokes - he asked how everyone was - dogs, cats - his Dad (DF) called him Dad too, my family. When the call was ended - he said the "well I hate to get going Momma, but I have laundry to do and I have to take Monkee for a walk, love you, miss you." and I looked down at the phone and we had been talking for 29 1/2 minutes. TWENTY NINE and a half minutes. I just sat there Nancy, misty eyed. 29 minutes. Do you know that in 20 years - My son and I have not had a conversation that long without an argument - that included a laugh, and just was nice and not asked for anything or didn't include me, me, me statements. He wasn't angry, he wasn't ugly - he wans't going to kill anyone 0r ANYTHING like that. I just sat there looking at that dumb phone for the longest time - probably another 29 1/2 minutes - and had those happy, hot tears run down my face. It was like - HUH - so this is what it's like when you get () much normal huh? Nice - ME? Nice. I guess maybe I sat there for another 30 minutes and just had a moment of silence for the good call - and for the rest of us - mostly for the rest of us not having such good days and for our kids - mostly that whatever vacation their angels are on? Uhhh time to get off them and get back to work -
Anyway I didn't have any pearls of wisdom to share to make you smile - but I thought maybe that would give you a little grin - knowing how it's been over here in flashlight land. Hang in there - and if it's any consolation - the walls in my 'office' are still dudes last awful green - I have no idea what we were thinking....and now the dogs have his bedspread. lol.
Hugs
Star
Parents that guide children like ours in a poor direction are among the sorriest of people in the world. A year or so ago I found myself listening to Dude over the phone tell DF and myself what a wonder DaddyDisney was. I sat listening, knowing either he was lying to us, himself or both - perhaps just not at the same time. Later when I heard stories about eating out of dumpsters, living on the streets, how life was in Mouse-town I found out just how wonderful a therapist I had seen over the years, not to mention how much I had retained on anger management. Every single fiber clear down to my toes certainly, could have hopped into a vehicle and waged a full-scale war. All of me? Realized quicker than I got angry - that nothing I did would change a thing for Dude - these were all things he would have to come to realize on his own; if ever - and no matter how hurt, angry or disgusted I was (again for the second twenty years it seemed) THIS was not my battle. This life wasn't mine.
I very much wanted it to be, I very much wanted Dude to include me in it - I felt I lost so much already, that it hurt and only a Mother can explain that feeling to another Mother so you know exactly what I mean.
I sat three nights ago, holding my cell phone in my hand for no particular reason whatesover. It texted/buzzed - and it was Dude asking what I was doing, then he called. No particular reason, not asking for anything, just him chatting to me, about everything, and nothing at all. We laughed, he told jokes - he asked how everyone was - dogs, cats - his Dad (DF) called him Dad too, my family. When the call was ended - he said the "well I hate to get going Momma, but I have laundry to do and I have to take Monkee for a walk, love you, miss you." and I looked down at the phone and we had been talking for 29 1/2 minutes. TWENTY NINE and a half minutes. I just sat there Nancy, misty eyed. 29 minutes. Do you know that in 20 years - My son and I have not had a conversation that long without an argument - that included a laugh, and just was nice and not asked for anything or didn't include me, me, me statements. He wasn't angry, he wasn't ugly - he wans't going to kill anyone 0r ANYTHING like that. I just sat there looking at that dumb phone for the longest time - probably another 29 1/2 minutes - and had those happy, hot tears run down my face. It was like - HUH - so this is what it's like when you get () much normal huh? Nice - ME? Nice. I guess maybe I sat there for another 30 minutes and just had a moment of silence for the good call - and for the rest of us - mostly for the rest of us not having such good days and for our kids - mostly that whatever vacation their angels are on? Uhhh time to get off them and get back to work -
Anyway I didn't have any pearls of wisdom to share to make you smile - but I thought maybe that would give you a little grin - knowing how it's been over here in flashlight land. Hang in there - and if it's any consolation - the walls in my 'office' are still dudes last awful green - I have no idea what we were thinking....and now the dogs have his bedspread. lol.
Hugs
Star
