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The Watercooler
Narcicistic Family Members Always Deny the Truth
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655364" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I too think we are all more complex than any label. But reading descriptive pieces such as those SWOT posts for us here have been so helpful to me in identifying abusive patterns and externalizing shame.</p><p></p><p>So it isn't, and for the sake of our own integrity, it should not be, about diagnosing someone as a way to hurt</p><p>or insult them. I don't trust the professional's "diagnosis", either. Humans are more complex than to be categorized so easily.</p><p></p><p>But I agree with you Nomad that certain characteristic cruelties continue to be the preferred response for some of us, and that this does not change. </p><p></p><p>Some of us are bullies, by choice. Given the opportunity, we will set that dynamic up every time.</p><p></p><p>So it is best to be wise, and to be wary. If we are married to, or if we are the child or the sibling or the parent of, someone whose responses to us are consistently cruel or wildly disrespectful, we need to believe them when they tell us who they are. We need to stop believing they have any commitment to changing their preferred response.</p><p></p><p>Just like we have had to learn with our differently wired or addicted kids, helping can slip into the ugliness of enabling. The healthiest response for all of us then is to detach. </p><p></p><p>Once we make it through the shame work, we can choose detachment without the need to judge either our people or ourselves.</p><p></p><p>How we see both our FOO and ourselves changes.</p><p></p><p>I still stumble over how this could be true. But now that I know where to look, and how to interpret what I see, those understandings and interpretations are the only ones that make consistent sense.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655364, member: 17461"] I too think we are all more complex than any label. But reading descriptive pieces such as those SWOT posts for us here have been so helpful to me in identifying abusive patterns and externalizing shame. So it isn't, and for the sake of our own integrity, it should not be, about diagnosing someone as a way to hurt or insult them. I don't trust the professional's "diagnosis", either. Humans are more complex than to be categorized so easily. But I agree with you Nomad that certain characteristic cruelties continue to be the preferred response for some of us, and that this does not change. Some of us are bullies, by choice. Given the opportunity, we will set that dynamic up every time. So it is best to be wise, and to be wary. If we are married to, or if we are the child or the sibling or the parent of, someone whose responses to us are consistently cruel or wildly disrespectful, we need to believe them when they tell us who they are. We need to stop believing they have any commitment to changing their preferred response. Just like we have had to learn with our differently wired or addicted kids, helping can slip into the ugliness of enabling. The healthiest response for all of us then is to detach. Once we make it through the shame work, we can choose detachment without the need to judge either our people or ourselves. How we see both our FOO and ourselves changes. I still stumble over how this could be true. But now that I know where to look, and how to interpret what I see, those understandings and interpretations are the only ones that make consistent sense. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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