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Narcicistic father. Is he too old for me to take a stand?
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 546203" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I'm with the "don't take a stand" side for several reasons.</p><p></p><p>Your sister and you may agree now that you will take care of each other after his death, but what if he lives another 10 years and she is the only one she's screaming at all that time? She might decide that you got off easy and resent you for it. <em>And </em>it's not as though you won't hear every nasty thing he has to say about you and your husband if you try to shut him down. Every little word and slight will get back to you. He'll make sure of it.</p><p></p><p>More importantly, especially with the statement that he's "not going to hold back anymore", I believe that he has issued a challenge to his children to see who he can make the most miserable and/or cut out of the will. If you are correct that he is not suffering any type of dementia, then he has this very well planned out. He feels he's not getting enough attention, and lashing out is the only way he knows how to get it. Imagine what a thrill it would give him to have someone actually <em>fight back! </em>Don't go there.</p><p></p><p>Other than the Father's Day thing, do you ever call him? I know it must be torture, but it would probably throw him off the track if you called and asked him how he was doing. He wouldn't have that putrid anger all built up and planned out because you would be the one initiating the contact.</p><p></p><p>The next time you <em>do</em> talk to him, regardless of who initiates it, I would <em>not</em> tell him off if he says something nasty. I would say, "Oh, my goodness! The pan on the stove is smoking, I have to go!" Then I'd hang up. It accomplishes the same thing. I'd do it every time he calls. Burning pan on the stove, dog peeing on the carpet, someone at the door. Anything to hang up on him. I've been known to go to the front door, ring the doorbell and make the dog bark to get away from people on the phone if I don't want to talk to them. He'll figure it out, and better yet he can't say anything bad about your for doing it that way. Things happen and sometimes you have to hang up the phone.</p><p></p><p>I was at a picnic a while back and a man was there with his teenage daughters who were visiting for the summer vacation. They were from New Orleans and <em>very</em> proud of The Saints. They wore gold and black everything, so the conversation of where they lived came up. One of the girls, about 14 years old, said something less than flattering about her mother, who is apparently <em>lacking</em> in maternal instincts. The father said, "Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said by you?" It was a kind of mantra, and it shut her down very quickly. All of what your father says that is hurtful is a "no" answer to those questions. Don't lower yourself to his level. </p><p></p><p>FWIW, the last thing my father said to me before I tried to make my point that he wasn't going to treat me badly anymore was "I never told any of you kids that I was proud of you because 'perfect' was the <em>least</em> I expected of you." I have not heard one word from him or my four brothers and sisters in the 14 years since. Well, not directly anyway. I hear <em>plenty</em> about what they say about me. Believe me - you don't want to go there.</p><p></p><p>I hope you will consider how bad it could be if you actually gave him a reason to be angry at you. He's a nasty piece of work when you're a meek and loving daughter. He'll be ten times worse if you aren't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 546203, member: 99"] I'm with the "don't take a stand" side for several reasons. Your sister and you may agree now that you will take care of each other after his death, but what if he lives another 10 years and she is the only one she's screaming at all that time? She might decide that you got off easy and resent you for it. [I]And [/I]it's not as though you won't hear every nasty thing he has to say about you and your husband if you try to shut him down. Every little word and slight will get back to you. He'll make sure of it. More importantly, especially with the statement that he's "not going to hold back anymore", I believe that he has issued a challenge to his children to see who he can make the most miserable and/or cut out of the will. If you are correct that he is not suffering any type of dementia, then he has this very well planned out. He feels he's not getting enough attention, and lashing out is the only way he knows how to get it. Imagine what a thrill it would give him to have someone actually [I]fight back! [/I]Don't go there. Other than the Father's Day thing, do you ever call him? I know it must be torture, but it would probably throw him off the track if you called and asked him how he was doing. He wouldn't have that putrid anger all built up and planned out because you would be the one initiating the contact. The next time you [I]do[/I] talk to him, regardless of who initiates it, I would [I]not[/I] tell him off if he says something nasty. I would say, "Oh, my goodness! The pan on the stove is smoking, I have to go!" Then I'd hang up. It accomplishes the same thing. I'd do it every time he calls. Burning pan on the stove, dog peeing on the carpet, someone at the door. Anything to hang up on him. I've been known to go to the front door, ring the doorbell and make the dog bark to get away from people on the phone if I don't want to talk to them. He'll figure it out, and better yet he can't say anything bad about your for doing it that way. Things happen and sometimes you have to hang up the phone. I was at a picnic a while back and a man was there with his teenage daughters who were visiting for the summer vacation. They were from New Orleans and [I]very[/I] proud of The Saints. They wore gold and black everything, so the conversation of where they lived came up. One of the girls, about 14 years old, said something less than flattering about her mother, who is apparently [I]lacking[/I] in maternal instincts. The father said, "Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said by you?" It was a kind of mantra, and it shut her down very quickly. All of what your father says that is hurtful is a "no" answer to those questions. Don't lower yourself to his level. FWIW, the last thing my father said to me before I tried to make my point that he wasn't going to treat me badly anymore was "I never told any of you kids that I was proud of you because 'perfect' was the [I]least[/I] I expected of you." I have not heard one word from him or my four brothers and sisters in the 14 years since. Well, not directly anyway. I hear [I]plenty[/I] about what they say about me. Believe me - you don't want to go there. I hope you will consider how bad it could be if you actually gave him a reason to be angry at you. He's a nasty piece of work when you're a meek and loving daughter. He'll be ten times worse if you aren't. [/QUOTE]
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Narcicistic father. Is he too old for me to take a stand?
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