Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now

[BusynMember]

BITS, I admire you so much for having survived and thrived in such a crazy family. And GOOD FOR YOU for not depending on your father for money. Trust me, I understand. My father is, in my opinion only , a classic narcissistic personality. Well, ok, I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that about "me, me, I, I" my father...lol. It's a joke between my sister and me. He is forever disowning us. You know what? So what?

My mother DID disown me and I had no idea she felt so angry at me that she would not even mention me in her will. It took a few years of therapy to work that one out because, although we had been estranged for ten years, it was on HER side. I tried to make amends for my part in the rift, but she would never accept my apologies even when I went so far as to take 100% of the blame (which was laughable) and tell her how much I loved and cared about her. Didn't matter to her. After she disinherited me, I decided NEVER to try THAT hard to gain acceptance from ANYONE ever again. It was a waste of my time that I can't get back. I didn't even care about the money...she didn't have that much. It was how she thought I was nothing. So why had I tried so hard to be something to her? Well, she was my mother. In retrospect, I have learned that DNA does not make people a loving unit or even a family. I no longer consider DNA a reason to consider ANYONE a family member to me. The four most precious people in my life (my husband and three adopted children) do not have my DNA, but they mean more to me than those who do share my DNA, with the exception of 36. He is my bio. child and I still love him to pieces, although I don't always LIKE him (there is a difference).

I digress. I will share with you what I told my father the last time he did his, "I will disinherit you unless you (fill in the blank)." It was a phone call. I said in a very calm voice, "Dad, I have already been disinherited once and I survived. You have to do what you feel is best with your money. If you feel it is best to disinherit me, that is your decision. But I'm not going to do (whatever it was he wanted me to do) because of it." He was really shocked. This is how he controls us. Or tries. He has not disinherited me once since that phone call...lol

I'm sorry hearing about anyone who has to deal with the k ind of nutty DNA collection that I had/have. My heart goes out to you, but you are truly doing a wonderful job. Like you, I was the black sheep for daring to point out the various things going on in the family that were not right and often for sticking up for my siblings who both, at various times, turned on me. In dysfunctional families, there are things you're not supposed to talk about...you know the commercial.

Hugs for your hurting heart and have a peaceful day. One day at a time...

 

[Sabine]

We need to work on how you're perceiving the <difficult child, Grandfather, and you> dynamic.

Imagine the three of you are standing by a deep pit.

Your Dad has clearly been shoving you into the pit for years. You've managed to climb back up out of it, and as you've been working on those climbing muscles, it's getting easier and easier. Via "return to sender", you'll be able to prevent him from ever shoving you in again.

Your siblings were shoved in years ago, and haven't climbed out at all..hard to say if they ever will.

You have NOT thrown your difficult child into the pit..
Your son is currently hugging your father up on top. The more you try to lure difficult child away, the harder he'll cling. It's best to let them hold onto each other as long as they want, and when (not "if") Grandpa shoves difficult child into the pit, you can be there with a rope to help him out.

You can dangle that rope, but you can't force difficult child to grab it. He could end up staying down there with your siblings, and that will be his choice. But whatever you do, DO NOT climb down into that pit!

I'm glad you are enjoying the snow, it IS beautiful!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I have told this story before.

Once upon a time, there was a family of frogs living in a toxic pond. The water was brackish and warm, the plants and lilies and tadpoles deformed, the sun glaringly hot. But life in the pond was all any of them knew. One day, a brilliant green frog from a neighboring pond began singing his song. The song was so beautiful, the frog himself so brilliantly green, that a young lady frog from the poisoned pond gathered her courage and leaped out of the water. Though she could hardly believe what the handsome male frog told her about clear, running water and silvery dragonflies and lilies with deep, succulent roots, the young lady frog ran away with him, that very night.

The pond he brought her to was fresh and bright, and the water in it was sweet, so sweet! And it made her healthy and strong to live in that sweet water. And she felt badly for her family, living in the poisoned pond, but she did not go back.

One day, the frog had a daughter. And her child was so beautiful, so perfectly formed and so brilliant a green! And the frog began to miss her own mother. She wanted to show her mother her new baby.

And one night, she made her way back to the poisoned pond.

Smelling the brackish, stagnant scent she remembered so well, she hesitated.

Promising herself it was only for a short time, the frog leaped into the water with her baby, so excited to be with her family, so excited to show them her baby and to tell them about her handsome frog husband and her new life in that sweet water pond where she lived, now.

As the water closed over her head, the frog felt a momentary confusion. She shook it off. Eager to find her family, she paddled through that stinking, brackish water.

Oddly enough, it smelled like...home.

Her family did not respond the way she thought they would. In fact, they were angry. They asked her who she thought she was, to have thought she could live anywhere else.

The frog felt herself begin to weaken.

When her family stopped questioning her about who she thought she was, and began telling her who she really was...she hardly noticed. But then, looking down into her daughter's pretty green face, the mother frog felt her head clear.

She decided she would leave the poisoned pond.

But somehow...she didn't have the strength to climb the river's bank. She felt so weak, so confused and isolated and afraid, there in that poisoned pond with her family. By the time the sun set that day, the frog began to understand that no one in the healthy pond had ever really wanted someone like her, anyway.

Later still, just as the moon began to rise, the frog heard her mother whispering to her beautiful, green baby, telling her about what was real, and what was not.

Cedar

 

[DDD]

I have read your post & all the responses from CD family members. Once again I feel so thankful that we have our supportive, caring cyber family that allows each of us to share our deepest emotions.
Fortunately I was blessed to have a caring and loving family so I have not experienced the pain that many of you have lived with over the years. I admire the tenacity displayed by so many here.

Perhaps this will sound simplistic but my suggestion is to divert your attention when painful thoughts enter your head. It is has been extremely helpful for me as I've dealt with painful difficult child events. As soon as my mind begins to wander I recite the Serenity Prayer until I am able to "change gears". That silent recitation has saved my sanity. I hope that it can help you also. Hugs DDD

 

[BackintheSaddle]

Thanks all...hope you had a good day...it snowed again here in NC and it's quite beautiful...we kept our power so all was well...it was a good day- no drama, no letter (!)....tomorrow is Valentine's day and I got difficult child a card and candy bar like I always have...no stamp so it'll be late but maybe he'll appreciate it...I love that description from Sabine about the dark pit...and thanks for the frog story-- it's amazing how fast that poison can seep in and take all the strength from you that you've worked so hard to build up...it's scary really-- it takes so god-awful long and is so taxing to get that strength to pull away and next to nothing for them to suck it right out of you...those are great visions to keep in my head as I process things...I've had a good day of redirecting my thoughts away from those horrid people...hope the same for you all

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I'm happy about the story, BITS. Everything, anything we can do, every tool we can learn about ~ all that is good and strengthening for us. It helps me too to remember what I needed and did not get. There is strength there, too.

In a perfect world, our fathers would have been men who loved women.

Having taken their feelings about women into our psyches when we were little girls, we have to learn to love ourselves in that healthier way, now. We need to love ourselves as though our fathers loved and were so proud of, the women they could see in us, when we were little girls.

Cedar