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General Parenting
natural consequences vs.?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 433378" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I mis-read the original post, missing the part where he got a level one during the ten day period. Because the deal was no notes home/level ones, and he got a level one, he should not get an mp3 player. </p><p></p><p>While I agree that the deal may have demanded more than he is capable of, I still do NOT think it wise to give him the mp3 player. If you do, he will assume that EVERY contract/deal you make means he can break the terms and still get the item. THAT will become what he understands is the rule. Even if he can verbalize knowing that the contract was a mistake because it was too difficult for him at this age, he will still latch onto the idea that if he violates the terms of a deal he can still get the reward.</p><p></p><p>I don't know his diagnosis's, but this is pretty common with many of them. Marg has given us a great example of this. One day while walking home from the beach with one of her sons (difficult child 3 I think) she stopped and got ice cream with him. He enjoyed it so much that for a very long time he expected ice cream every time they came home from the beach. He also got very upset when he did not get that ice cream every time. It took a lot of work to help him learn that it was an occasional thing and that it was NOT something that happened every time.</p><p></p><p>The other real problem I see with letting him have the mp3 player, even if you explain that the contract was too much, is the effect it will have on easy child. easy child will feel that his efforts are not worth a dang because difficult child got the reward and he didn't have to stay out of trouble. this will create HUGE sibling rivalry issues, likely worse and more long term than difficult child's outrage that easy child gets the reward and he doesn't.</p><p></p><p>IF you decide you need to give him a reward for only getting one level one report, find something other than the original reward, preferably something much smaller/less expensive. It just sends the wrong message to both kids if you give them both the reward when only one held up his end of the deal.</p><p></p><p>This does NOT mean you cannot make another contract with difficult child, one that is more "doable" than this one (if he hasn't been able to go more than a few days with-o a level one this year) so he can earn an mp3 player also. Just be sure not to make it a big deal that he has another chance and make sure that easy child gets plenty of praise (not over the top but what difficult child would get for the same thing) when he gets his reward. difficult child doesn't have to be there, but should not be purposely excluded to keep him from getting angry and/or upset. It is a lesson he has to learn, just because he didn't earn something doesn't mean easy child or another person won't get the reward if they finish the terms of their agreement. </p><p></p><p>Just in my opinion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 433378, member: 1233"] I mis-read the original post, missing the part where he got a level one during the ten day period. Because the deal was no notes home/level ones, and he got a level one, he should not get an mp3 player. While I agree that the deal may have demanded more than he is capable of, I still do NOT think it wise to give him the mp3 player. If you do, he will assume that EVERY contract/deal you make means he can break the terms and still get the item. THAT will become what he understands is the rule. Even if he can verbalize knowing that the contract was a mistake because it was too difficult for him at this age, he will still latch onto the idea that if he violates the terms of a deal he can still get the reward. I don't know his diagnosis's, but this is pretty common with many of them. Marg has given us a great example of this. One day while walking home from the beach with one of her sons (difficult child 3 I think) she stopped and got ice cream with him. He enjoyed it so much that for a very long time he expected ice cream every time they came home from the beach. He also got very upset when he did not get that ice cream every time. It took a lot of work to help him learn that it was an occasional thing and that it was NOT something that happened every time. The other real problem I see with letting him have the mp3 player, even if you explain that the contract was too much, is the effect it will have on easy child. easy child will feel that his efforts are not worth a dang because difficult child got the reward and he didn't have to stay out of trouble. this will create HUGE sibling rivalry issues, likely worse and more long term than difficult child's outrage that easy child gets the reward and he doesn't. IF you decide you need to give him a reward for only getting one level one report, find something other than the original reward, preferably something much smaller/less expensive. It just sends the wrong message to both kids if you give them both the reward when only one held up his end of the deal. This does NOT mean you cannot make another contract with difficult child, one that is more "doable" than this one (if he hasn't been able to go more than a few days with-o a level one this year) so he can earn an mp3 player also. Just be sure not to make it a big deal that he has another chance and make sure that easy child gets plenty of praise (not over the top but what difficult child would get for the same thing) when he gets his reward. difficult child doesn't have to be there, but should not be purposely excluded to keep him from getting angry and/or upset. It is a lesson he has to learn, just because he didn't earn something doesn't mean easy child or another person won't get the reward if they finish the terms of their agreement. Just in my opinion. [/QUOTE]
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