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Substance Abuse
Need a Little Advice from Those Who Have been there done that
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 608087" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>*hugs*</p><p></p><p>I have been there, in the way. Circumstances were little different, my son's misdeeds were against specific individuals and also against core values of the organization there it happened and also value's of the whole concept of the team sports. In fact most consider breaking that team honour code more serious than criminality of the acts themselves. Still, even though fans of the team this happened in etc. claim my son to be a rat bas**rd, scumbag and traitor of the worst order, they can hardly claim personal violation. Also our publicity laws prevented any mainstream media publishing my son's name, but that only helps him later in life, when people will not so easily find information of this if they google his name. They were giving enough identifying details that everyone knew about it anyway. And there is still awfully lot of innuendo. But we were again lucky it did reach the media only half a year after it happened and difficult child was in the much better position when that happened. Still, ending up in the front page of country's biggest tabloid due to your misdeeds is huge. And also I, husband and our younger son have gotten our share of the shame.</p><p></p><p>First thing I want to say is, that time helps. People do forget, and even if not, they move on. After the first blow, those same people don't bother you with it that long. With new people it may come up depending on how violated people feel or how juicy gossip it makes. And if it comes again later (for example when court takes place) the second blow of public reaction is usually milder. </p><p></p><p>I have tried several different approaches to people coming to talk about it with me. It mostly depends about how I see motives of that person. I haven been everything to haughty to sorry and from sharing parts of the struggle it is to almost not acknowledging the whole thing and ignoring all the attempts to take conversation to that direction. One thing I decided early; I haven't done anything wrong and I will not be bawling my eyes out and begging for forgiveness in public. </p><p></p><p>My tactics vary from simply looking a person from head to toe, flicking an eyebrow and turning away to actually discussing difficult child's issues and how he is currently doing in sincere way. Mostly somewhere between those two. My staples are "Yeah, it is very unfortunate. difficult child does have some issues and is very sorry for what he did. He is fortunately doing better now." and "yes, it was such a shock to us too. difficult child can't really explain it himself, but he is now in better path and I really hope this taught him a huge lesson." But as I said, we were fortunate it didn't become public right after it happened and we could actually say difficult child was doing better already, when it came public. </p><p></p><p>We are now almost three years from actual deed and two years from it coming public, so few people ask or comment bluntly any more, it is more heavy innuendo etc. and that I try to ignore and avert. </p><p></p><p>It is more difficult for my easy child. He moves in same sport circles as difficult child and people do use it against him. Mostly to rile him up. He and his team mates get questions and comments shouted from the stands and from opposing players to be careful if easy child is like his brother, during the arguments there are comments about things running in the family etc. easy child has adopted an attitude that he is not his brother and WTF it is their business anyway. </p><p></p><p>I think that over the time we all have become bit colder towards people bringing it up. The first comments could had been about actual concern, for now it is just juicy gossip or even deliberate slander for most people still bringing it up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 608087, member: 14557"] *hugs* I have been there, in the way. Circumstances were little different, my son's misdeeds were against specific individuals and also against core values of the organization there it happened and also value's of the whole concept of the team sports. In fact most consider breaking that team honour code more serious than criminality of the acts themselves. Still, even though fans of the team this happened in etc. claim my son to be a rat bas**rd, scumbag and traitor of the worst order, they can hardly claim personal violation. Also our publicity laws prevented any mainstream media publishing my son's name, but that only helps him later in life, when people will not so easily find information of this if they google his name. They were giving enough identifying details that everyone knew about it anyway. And there is still awfully lot of innuendo. But we were again lucky it did reach the media only half a year after it happened and difficult child was in the much better position when that happened. Still, ending up in the front page of country's biggest tabloid due to your misdeeds is huge. And also I, husband and our younger son have gotten our share of the shame. First thing I want to say is, that time helps. People do forget, and even if not, they move on. After the first blow, those same people don't bother you with it that long. With new people it may come up depending on how violated people feel or how juicy gossip it makes. And if it comes again later (for example when court takes place) the second blow of public reaction is usually milder. I have tried several different approaches to people coming to talk about it with me. It mostly depends about how I see motives of that person. I haven been everything to haughty to sorry and from sharing parts of the struggle it is to almost not acknowledging the whole thing and ignoring all the attempts to take conversation to that direction. One thing I decided early; I haven't done anything wrong and I will not be bawling my eyes out and begging for forgiveness in public. My tactics vary from simply looking a person from head to toe, flicking an eyebrow and turning away to actually discussing difficult child's issues and how he is currently doing in sincere way. Mostly somewhere between those two. My staples are "Yeah, it is very unfortunate. difficult child does have some issues and is very sorry for what he did. He is fortunately doing better now." and "yes, it was such a shock to us too. difficult child can't really explain it himself, but he is now in better path and I really hope this taught him a huge lesson." But as I said, we were fortunate it didn't become public right after it happened and we could actually say difficult child was doing better already, when it came public. We are now almost three years from actual deed and two years from it coming public, so few people ask or comment bluntly any more, it is more heavy innuendo etc. and that I try to ignore and avert. It is more difficult for my easy child. He moves in same sport circles as difficult child and people do use it against him. Mostly to rile him up. He and his team mates get questions and comments shouted from the stands and from opposing players to be careful if easy child is like his brother, during the arguments there are comments about things running in the family etc. easy child has adopted an attitude that he is not his brother and WTF it is their business anyway. I think that over the time we all have become bit colder towards people bringing it up. The first comments could had been about actual concern, for now it is just juicy gossip or even deliberate slander for most people still bringing it up. [/QUOTE]
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