Need adoption advice for child with ODD

[Methuselah]

Hi Molly. My husband and I adopted four kids out of foster care--two with normal thought process and two who are, sadly,...broken. With all my heart, I seriously suggest you do not adopt him. You may be able to handle him now, but you have no idea what the future may bring. Given he has shown violent tendencies now, he will be beyond your scope and skill to help him. For the sake of your family, you can not put them at risk. Do not feel guilty. You are doing it for your family. It is the right thing to do. Really.

I would suggest you try to sell social services on the benefits of his sister being removed from his presence. It will be a tough sell, because they don't like to split siblings up. It can be done if you sell it as a benefit to him; he can be placed in a therapeutic home and his sister will continue with a family she has bonded to.

I'm sorry you and your family is on such a tough place. You face a tough decision, but a clear one to my experienced eyes.

 

[seriously]

I think you should not adopt him. You must consider your priorities carefully and make your decision based on the welfare of everyone for whom you are responsible. You have four other children (biological or adoptive is irrelevant) who are relying on you to provide a safe, loving, appropriate home for many years to come.

You will not be able to provide that if you bring this child into your family permanently. It would not be right for you to keep him knowing that his welfare would come before the welfare of your other children AND that he might (probably will) endanger them and possibly hurt them and you in the future. He's only 6 now. You need to spend time thinking about how it will be when he is 16, bigger and stronger than you and possibly your husband. Adolescence is a time of upheaval and stress. I can only imagine what his adolescence is going to throw up for him to cope with given the horror of his earliest years and memories. You are playing with fire to believe that you can help him without placing everyone in harm's way.

It is very sad and you may be right that his future will be really bad. But it is also possible that a better placement is waiting for him.

I hesitate to address the issue of his sister. In my head I hear her asking you when she's about 6 - why didn't you adopt my brother too? And there will never be an easy answer to that question. If her brother gets a healing placement then it may be possible for them to reunite in the future.

I think that if it's an option for you to keep her and give up her brother then you should consider that option carefully. Remember that she is very young and she may grow into disabilities and problem behaviors/mental illness due to her genetic heritage and any drug or alcohol exposures she had in utero or as an infant. I would go so far as to say that you should EXPECT her to develop problems and you need to factor that into your decisions. Yes, having a loving family raise her will help but honestly, it will only go so far to protect her from her genetic programming and brain damage from drug/alcohol exposure.

I've excerpted a small part of the article found at this link. The article discusses very recent findings that demonstrate the very high level of heritability of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. If you don't know what the mother's diagnosis was, I think you should assume the worst case = in which case it is either schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/587148

Overall heritability for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder was 64% and 59%, respectively. The comorbidity between disorders was 63% and mainly due to additive genetic effects common to both disorders.
Shared environmental effects were small, but substantial — 4.5% for schizophrenia, 4.4% to 7% for bipolar disorder, and 2.3% to 6.2% for both disorders.
According to Dr. Hultman, these results demonstrate that members of families in which someone has either of these affective disorders run an increased risk of developing the same condition and that this is chiefly the result of genetic factors, with only a slight influence of shared environmental factors.

If they are a package deal then I think you will have to walk away - as hard as that will be.

You have given them both a better chance than they would have had without you. Hug that to you tightly when you send them on to the next loving person who will hold them close and try to help them heal.

 

[DDD]

I have known of a case where the children were separated..although I doubt that is common. The explanation given to the children was simply "it's important that every child have the best environment to grow and find a way to lead a happy life...sometimes the right family for one child is not the right home for their brother".

Don't know if still is the case, by the way, but siblings who were separated had supervised visitation once or twice a year...to acknowledge their biological attachment. Often times subsequent children were born or located and those siblings who didn't even know each other also had visitation. Complex. Hugs DDD

 

[buddy]

My son is adopted separately from his siblings....obvious for dad's other baby mama's kids but he was married to difficult child's bio mom and she had 5 others, they had 2, so he has one full bio sister. Her family has all but two of the kids, the two with special needs. His bio half bro has autism and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and was adopted by a couple and they were interested in Q (they had 4 bio kids and 5 adopted, each of the other adopted kids were in pairs and difficult child's bio bro. wanted a "blood brother"--he has LOTs of anger over them not taking mine)...but at the time they had comitted to taking 2 others and they were so near the end, those kids needed the support and difficult child got sick with his brain mass at that time. It would have overloaded their family. SO, not only was he not placed in a bio sib family, but he was placed out of state with an adoption assistance contract that they have kept for the entire 11 years so far.... The contract will continue till 21 since he is certified by the state as permanently disabled. (usually till age 18, thank god till 21 because he will only be a jr. in highschool at 18).

Just one story. They do try to keep them together if they are in placement together especially, bio ties are super important, but the big picture must be looked at. I wish all SW would really look at that better, and to lie or down play issues, just results in disruption in adoption and that hurts the kids so much more than waiting for the right placement in the first place.

 

[ready2run]

my difficult child had 3 other bio-siblings and when their birth mom gave them away after the youngest died 'mysteriously' they all went to different homes. he was 2 then and does not remember his other siblings as far as i know, i have asked him about them and shown him pictures. he said he didn't know who they were. he has no access to them.
when it comes to how he has effected my family, it has not been favorable. if i had to do it over again i would have passed on taking him in permanently. my other kids have missed out on alot of attention and opportunities they needed because he is here, and i have often feared for their safety. it also changes them to see another person act out in such a way and to have to deal with his behaviour day in and day out. honestly, i think taking him in has probably been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. don't get me wrong, i do love him and i know he loves me. i know that having me here has been a great advantage to him and all the work i've put into him has made a big difference in his life, it comes at a cost to my other children, my sanity and my marriage.

 

[rejectedmom]

I was a foster parent also. I fostered 22 children and we adopted 2 of them. Both of my adopted children had problems but the youngest has put us through hell. He was 4 by the time he was free for adoption and had been with us since he was three months. We loved him and we felt that with all his problems no one else would give him a chance. He was ODD and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and had physical deformities. Truthfully, I had misgivings, but a firm belief that love would work miracles along with a good dose of guilt of what his life would be like if we let him go fuled our push for adoption. The problem? We didn't ask the question what adopting him would do to the family. We never even considered it.

The result? He has broken both my heart and my bones. He has also broken the hearts of my husband and of his siblings.

I still love him with all my heart but... if I could go back and redo it? In all honesty I would spare my other children the chaos and pain that he brought to us. We did everything we could to help him. We spent fortunes on doctors, private schools, tutors, counsiling, special summer camps etc, When he got into trouble we spent another fortune for lawyers and court fees.
I could write two or more books on my experiences raising him up and people would probably think they were fiction.

There is no question that I still love him with my whole heart. I am sad that his life has been so difficult and he is so very lost. I morn what his life could have been and all the lost opportunities and dreams.

There is something I mourn even more though. It is the lost quality time that I could have spent with my other children, the lost health that I suffer due to the tremendous load of stress he put me under, the lost financial security that would allow my husband to retire before age 70. The truth is that we did everything to save this child but he was lost anyway and he wasn't the only casualty.

Sometimes we do need to lead with our heads instead of our hearts. Do not feel guilty should you choose not to keep this child. It is ok to save the many instead of the one. Hard, yes but still ok.

As for his sister, Dss does seperate siblings if it is in their best intrest. I had a few that were placed separetly. Make a good case for it and maybe you will be allowed. If not, then know that it just wasn't ment to be. -RM

 

[toughlovin]

What a heart breaking gut wrenching decision. The reality is for him it probably would be better to stay with your family....however it is probably best for the rest of you if he doesnt. I think 5 is pretty early to make an odd diagnosis, especially since he has been through such trauma nd he hasnt been with you that long. Is the agency pushing you to make a decision? Depending on where you are i would tell them straight out thar you are not ready to adopt him at this point, that you have way too many concerns about him and you have to protect your other children and so in no way can you make a decision that is final. If the agency finds another home for him then so be it.

We adopted my son at birth...and although i dont think he had the level of issues this boy does he has always been a very difficult child and those issues only got harder as he got older.

I do think you need to really think about what is right for your other children and for your marriage.

TL